u/wishing_sprinkles

One ongoing issue that’s still causing conflict is that my husband and I have different ideas about how scheduled our kids should be. They’re only 5 and 7, they’re in school full days, and they do plenty of camps, sports, and activities. My older child already has three after-school activities, and my 5-year-old strongly wants to be with me after 3pm. I feel like that’s completely appropriate for her age and not something we need to push yet.

My husband wants them to do more, and this is really hurting me. I think downtime is healthy; not screen time, just being home, playing, going to the playground or swim club. Their lives are already full of school, sports, piano, travel, and activities. And honestly, I want to be with my kids! They’re little. I like picking them up from school and spending those afternoons with them.

My husband’s argument is that they need to keep developing their social and emotional skills, but they’re already doing that five full days a week at school, plus through all the unstructured social time they get elsewhere.

I get near tears when we talk about this. I want to surrender to what he thinks, but I can’t on this topic. I want my young kids with me. Soon enough they’ll want to be with their friends all the time, and I feel like I don’t have that many of these younger years left.

I do want him to know that I respect where he’s coming from. I know the heart of it is that he wants our kids to have every advantage and every resource available to them. He tends to want to bring in specialists, play therapy, extra activities, etc., while my instinct is often that with good parenting, time, and connection, a lot of these things will work themselves out.

But I’m a stay-at-home mom, and this also feels like my area. I feel resentful when he pushes for the kids to be in after-school activities every day. Part of me thinks: then what is the point of me staying home? I don’t tell him how to do his job or structure his days. I know they’re his children too and these decisions belong to both of us, but I also want my judgment as the parent who is with them most to carry some weight.

Ultimately, he went with my decision when we were choosing after school activities, but he was clearly annoyed and became rude, which made me cry. He later apologized. And underneath all of this is something very tender for me: I grew up barely being with my parents and feeling profoundly emotionally neglected. I know that history affects how strongly I feel about this, but I also only get one chance to raise my kids. Being a present, connected mother while they’re still little matters enormously to me, and it’s deeply upsetting to feel like he isn’t hearing that.

Would love any advice. I don't want this to keep being a tense issue every school semester.

Thank you to all who supported me in my anxiety a couple of weeks ago around my family trip where I wanted my husband to make plans. Everyone's advice was helpful, and I successfully surrendered the entire trip. We had an amazing time. My husband stepped up and planned everything. I basically said "whatever you think" on repeat, and all went smoothly. He made my every stated desire come true and was doting and sweet to me during the trip. I learned a lot about what I was so controlling about, and realized they were all things I could let go. I focused a lot on self care. We had no fights or tense moments. Saying "I can't" has been a game changer, he immediately jumps in every time.

That said, I am trying to change my mental framework to accept this new normal and am finding it difficult. My husband does seem to be happier being in control of all of the decisions, and quite honestly it's hard to stomach. It's one thing to stay off his paper - I 100% needed to stop trying to control him and am so happy that I'm aware and can make that change. But.. he didn't want to make joint decisions this whole time and all along has preferred to be in charge without needing my input? And my input is imasculating? It's hard to digest.

One more.. What do you do if your husband tries to control things on your paper? Is there a way to kindly shut that down?

Reading the Surrendered Wife and I immediately recognize so many ways I've gone wrong and now I can't unsee it. I want to cry, I wish I could go back in time and take it all back. We have a respectful relationship, but I see now I have been really controlling of him and our children. Small things: I say "maybe you should.." a lot. I ask him when he has his next dentist appointment and tell him 'maybe he should ask about a prescription toothpaste' that I read about (he has gum issues). He fills up the kids' water bottles with warm tap water and I say "btw, I have chilled water in a pitcher in the fridge." Just.. minutia really. He takes the kids to breakfast somewhere I hate every weekend and I sometimes push back and say why don't I just cook them breakfast this morning? Nothing that you would point out as "bad" but I see now that I do this daily. I am controlling.

My issue is I've done these things for 12 years straight. On the whole, I don't think I'm a major nag. I don't tell him to clean or how to do his job or give him a hard time about almost anything. We are supportive of each other and show gratitude frequently. But I can't unsee that I've been doing this for so long and he is exactly the kind of man SW is intended for. I do think he feels these comments as disrespect and criticism. I've stopped doing this for 2 days and he has been immediately responsive to it. Despite everyone thinking we are "the perfect couple" I see that this has caused a negative undercurrent.

I just feel so guilty. Why was I doing this? I didn't grow up with good marriages around me - quite the opposite. And even in his own family culture, his mom is domineering beyond belief and his sister runs her own marriage like she is the General (her husband literally calls her that) and her husband is his underling. Compared to everyone around me I'm an easygoing saint!

I 100% know my marriage and my own sense of self will improve once I stop this habit. But how do I forgive myself?

I am well into my sewing journey, but so far I’ve mostly worked with woven cottons and made more structured garments.

I’d like to start making boxy t-shirts and muscle-style tanks, and I’m struggling to understand exactly what fabric I’m looking for.

I know “jersey knit” is the broad category, but my favorite ready-to-wear t-shirts have a very specific feel:

• Thin and lightweight
• Soft and worn-in feeling
• Not clingy
• Not ribbed
• Not particularly stretchy
• Feels like real cotton, not synthetic
• Doesn’t have that drapey rayon feel
• Looks beautifully lived-in after years of wear but eventually gets stains, tiny holes

When I look at fabric sites, I see cotton jersey, cotton/spandex jersey, etc., and I’m not sure which of these gets me closest to that classic vintage t-shirt feel.

A few questions:

1. What fabric specifically should I be searching for?
2. Are there particular fabric stores/sites that consistently carry high-quality t-shirt knits? My budget is open and I'm in the USA
3. How do you evaluate stretch when shopping online? My favorite t-shirts they don’t seem stretchy at all.
4. For neckbands: I see rib knit sold by the yard. Since most t-shirts only use a small strip for the neckline, do people just accumulate piles of leftover ribbing?
5. Some of my favorite tanks use self-fabric binding around the neck and armholes rather than ribbing. Are there any special considerations when using jersey binding instead of a rib neckband?

I’d love any recommendations. I feel like I’m missing some foundational knowledge here.

https://preview.redd.it/ax3nrq2nftxg1.png?width=1310&format=png&auto=webp&s=19f1c4136589a9f73d2e6d00989cb5fcb8b45f78

Does anyone have any leads for something similar?