Considering Couple’s Counseling… help before we actually do it?
Hi, first time poster here. My husband and I are scheduled for couple’s counseling in a few weeks. I read LD’s book in hopes that maybe there would be something here that could help us before (or instead of) we go to counseling. Now that I’ve read the book, I’m afraid the counseling is going to tear us further apart.
For context, I’m a 26yo and my husband is 32. We have a 2.5 year old and a 6mo. We’ve only been married 3 years- so it’s been a lot in a short period of time.
Our biggest issue is that we are living in his childhood home, right across the street from his parents. So it’s his parent’s old house, with views directly to his parent’s new house. We don’t own the property but his parents are under the impression we will be purchasing it. I do not want to own this home, and I want to move within a year or so. There are many reasons for this: in laws are too close to our kids, parenting/grandparenting boundaries, the home is very small and outdated, etc.
I’m a stay at home mom, and my desire is for a place of our own, that we choose and have privacy with. My husband hears me and understands me, and he feels heartbroken because he loves this house, being close to his family, the property, etc. so for me get what I desire for our family, it’s like breaking his heart. This has been a core argument since we moved in over 2 years ago. It’s the reason our intimacy is hurting- and the fact that he travels and sleeps out of town 4 days of every week, leaving me to single parent for that time. There’s a lot of resentment building here, as I take care of the house and the kids by myself with barely any support or help from him because of his job.
I think what I’m hoping to gain from counseling is a vision of marital teamwork, a shared dream that is separate from this house and so close to his parents.
Anyway, I read LD’s book and I recognize that I can only control myself and my responses. I like the skills, I find some of them useful! But I’m struggling with “staying on my own paper” and relinquishing control when I so deeply desire to leave this house. Thoughts? What can we actually do to move forward instead of staying in this head-butting situation together?