u/Necessary-Text7555

Salam all,

I’m not posting this for people to feel bad but just wanted to see if anyone else is going through or has been through this.

I’m a Madhibaan female born and raised in the west. I’m in my late 20s, considered by many as attractive, have hobbies, finished my masters and have a very good career. Here’s the problem, every man that approaches me when they find out i’m Madhibaan tell me they can’t continue because their family will never allow it. This has happened many times in my life but it’s getting to a point where i’m thinking at this point I won’t be able to find anyone.

I know I can find an ajanabi but I prefer someone from my own culture. Has anyone else been through this?

Salam my fellow Somali brothers and sisters,
We as a Somali community need to be honest with ourselves.

Until we face this issue head on and actually fix it, Somalia will never truly prosper. We can talk about development, unity, and progress all we want but if qabyalad is still sitting in our hearts and shaping how we treat one another, then nothing will really change. I’ve been going back and forth about writing this, but I feel like I need to be real. I was born and raised in the West, and for most of my life I thought that would protect me from a lot of the issues back home. But it didn’t. In some ways, it just looks different here.

I come from the Madhibaan community. And more times than I can count, before people even try to know me my character, my values, my deen the first thing I’m asked is:
“What’s your qabiil?”

And from there everything changes. I’ve seen the way people’s tone shifts. The way respect disappears. The way you go from being “brother” to something less than that, just based on a label you didn’t choose.

I fell in love with a girl from what people call a “noble” clan. I really cared about her. But the way I was treated because of my qabiil is something I’ll never forget. It wasn’t even about me as a person it was like I was already disqualified before I even had a chance. That kind of rejection stays with you. And it’s not just in relationships. Even in everyday interactions with other Somali brothers, I’ve felt it. That quiet distancing. The subtle disrespect. The feeling that you don’t fully belong.

Alhamdulillah, I’m trying to build myself and stay grounded. But I won’t lie the social exclusion I’ve faced because of qabiil has affected me. It’s isolating. It’s exhausting. And at times, it’s taken a real toll on my mental health. I’ve been treated better by people outside my community. People who don’t share my language, my culture, or my faith gaalo have shown me more basic respect and fairness than my own Somali people. It’s hard to admit, but it’s the truth.

What also hurts is what I’m seeing now in the West.
We put so much energy into dividing ourselves even further into state identities like Bari, Waqooyi, Somaliland instead of holding onto Somaliweyn. We come from the same people, the same land, we speak the same language… but as time goes on, it feels like we’re finding more and more ways to separate ourselves.

And the reality is, if you look at our cities Xamar, Hargeisa, Garowe, Laas Caanood they are not worlds apart. They reflect the same people, the same culture, the same roots. Yet somehow, some of us still believe we are better than others. And I’ve even seen people come to the West, start new lives, and still pass this qabyalad down to their children. Kids who were born here, raised here yet somehow inherit the same divisions. The same mindset. The same prejudice.

And if you look at social media, it honestly feels like it’s getting worse.

Everywhere you turn, qabyalad is being normalised again. Even in music. It feels like every new Somali song now has to praise a specific qabiil, has to uplift one group over another. But if you look back at the 80s and 90s, you rarely saw this kind of open division in music. There was more focus on unity, culture, and shared identity. Now it feels like even art is being used to divide us.

And no one really stops to ask: why?

Then there’s the silence around all of this.
A lot of people won’t openly admit they think this way. No one wants to say “I believe in qabyalad.” But you see it in actions. In who people accept, who they reject, who they uplift, and who they look down on. It’s there we just don’t talk about it honestly. And when people say “there’s a difference between qabiil and qabyalad”… I have to disagree.

Because in reality, no matter how much you try to sugarcoat it, qabiil always ends up leading to qabyalad. Every single time. It creates lines. It creates hierarchy. It creates division. Now when I look at the younger generation, especially online, it’s worrying. You see people who barely speak Somali arguing about qabiil, claiming “landheere,” and continuing the same divisions. It feels like the cycle is just repeating itself in a different form.

We already know where this leads. We’ve seen what it did to our people, to our country, to our families.
We left Somalia hoping for something better. But if we keep holding onto the same mindset, what really changes?

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because we need to have this conversation openly.
I would genuinely like to hear people’s thoughts why is this still happening, and what can we actually do to combat this issue, especially when the older generation haven’t been able to fix it?

If not for us, then at least for the next generation.