u/NecessaryArtistic845

It's been over a year and half since my partner told me. And it's been a difficult journey trying to sort out how it all fits into my life and desires. We're finally now starting to make some progress and I'm starting to see glimmers of how happy we can continue to be together while fully accepting each other. I guess I want to share that my journey is taking a lot of time, and I think that is normal. I know I love my man and want to keep him, even though things are being revealed that I would have never imagined for myself. I have had difficulty reconciling that within myself, but have persisted in my desire to remain open minded and open hearted even though it has been extremely difficult and uncomfortable. 

Hopefully this helps other partners out there. As I have been trying to do the work to break down my barriers and move into a space of not only acceptance, but deep love and appreciation for my partner I was reminded that as much as I want to, I cannot fix or heal or "accept" all of this instantly. I was reminded that breaking down unhealthy and untrue beliefs about the gender binary and its necessary expressions will take time, collaboration, and love. That taking time is not only ok, but it's normal and really the only way to do it. I read this and wanted to share:

The Gender Mirage-from the writing of Emily Nagoski, in her book Come Together.

The work happens all by itself when you're living your life....Like planting a seed you don't get a thriving plant by doing a worksheet or even a daily practice.

You simply allow time to pass in a supportive context.

Liberation from the gender mirage needs trusting relationships around you and the ability to turn with calm, warm, curiosity toward your difficult feelings.

Shift your perspective enough, to see the mirage flicker. 

[You will] move through the tunnel of your difficult emotions as you recognize what's true and what you need. Allow all of it.

Let time pass in a positive context. Good things come.
You don't have to be in a hurry; you don't have to work hard. Let it sit. Let it loosen the cracked layers of lies, moral imperatives, and shame. It doesn't happen all at once.

Allow yourself to see the difficulty. Talk about it. Grieve for the ideal selves you'll never be. Or grieve for the selves you could have been without the effects of the gender mirage over time. Embrace, with confidence and joy, for who you are and celebrate each other fully, for who you are.

We can't do it alone. We need other people. At a minimum, one special someone who knows our true selves and loves all of us. We get there collaboratively to "mirage proof" our relationships. So, never again let someone else's rules control how we feel about ourselves and our person.

We stay in the wisdom that everyone wants to be who they are. You can have that when you practice being who you are and being loved in your relationship.  And knowing more and more who your partner truly is and love them, in your relationship. 

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So, don't be too hard on yourselves. It's ok that it takes time.

Hi there. I am only looking for SO comments here. My partner told me about his cross dressing a little more than a year ago. We had been together for three years at that point. At first I was just in shock and felt fine, but he hadn’t told me the whole picture. Only tiny pieces. I felt betrayed and continued to feel betrayed because he keeps hiding things from me and not letting me in. I brought up more questions a few months later. Then again a few months later. He offers very little when we talk. And I’m very very hesitant to bring it up. I only discovered more because I found his stash about 8 months after he told me. And my feelings grow more and more hesitant and anxious as time goes on. We talked most recently about 2 months ago and the just like all the other conversations, it just went south fast. I feel like he’s allowing his hurt at my hesitancy get in the way of hearing me and my experience and he shuts the conversation down before we can make any progress. I’m doing a ton of personal work trying to address my barriers and examine how this relates to me and my own sexuality. I have zero issue with any human identifying any way they want or dressing any way they want, but I’m worried about getting the “ick” and becoming just friends. I like the dominate polarity in our relationship to be me in feminine and him in masculine—but I know that doesn’t mean we can switch that polarity temporarily. I want to be open and completely accepting and positive of him always, but especially in our relationship. As a side, I’m already in therapy. There’s more details of course, but my question is for the wives/gfs/so’s who are in a long term relationship with a cross dresser who were able to work through barriers and are happy in the relationship still. How long did it take? What was the process like? How did you approach conversations and setting boundaries. How have the boundaries changed over time? Did things escalate and you found comfort still? Do you fully accept or do you have boundaries that keep you separate from it? How does your cross dresser feel? How did you get over any ick you may have felt? Etc…and what does your relationship look like now?