r/crossdressers_wives

This post will be long but bear with me. I’d like to start by saying I am not hateful. I am not trying to be hateful. I’m trying my best to understand my partner. If I say something insensitive, I am very sorry. I am a 20 year old bisexual woman (male leaning) and I’ve been dating this guy for a while. He’s the most understanding boyfriend ever and puts up with me. He is extremely loving to me, praises me all the time and is very affectionate. I love it the most when he kisses my hand like a medieval knight. Likewise, I am not afraid to say that I treat him with the most care a person can give and I make sure he is supported. I love that he expresses himself so freely. Our relationship is very healthy. If we have problems, we address them calmly right away. We communicate and have incredibly good banter, basically bouncing off of each other perfectly.  
We met in university and I knew he dressed in women’s clothes sometimes but I didn’t know that it would be to this extent. He likes frilly lace stuff and skirts. Most of the time, he wears long sleeved lace shirts and long skirts, usually black and white. He doesn’t wear fake breasts but has considered getting a wig. I didn’t mind this. But since I am more attracted to masculinity than femininity, I have voiced that I still want to see him in male clothes and he was okay with it.

I found out recently he identified himself as non-binary and queer. (I asked multiple times if he was okay with me addressing him with male pronouns as I don’t ever want to hurt him and he doesn’t mind. He even likes it when I call him “my man”, “my boyfriend”. When he speaks, even while crossdressing, he uses male pronouns for himself in our language.

Here are some factors that I think could contribute to my uncomfortableness

1. I don’t like when people automatically assume he’s gay or trans because of his clothing and am afraid I will only be perceived as a beard to him

2. Some people in the queer community have called him boy lady / slur that belongs to the community in a liberating way, implying he’s trans/gay or that he will inevitably become that in the future

3. I don’t like when people call him or if he calls himself “femboy” because the term seems so sexualized to me. In the same vein as goth dommy mommy (My unease gets triggered when

4. I don’t like when people assume we are into weird kinky fetishy stuff. (Someone once asked us who did the f***ing in the relationship)

5. Sometimes when he’s cross-dressing, I feel he tends to be eager to be with his “out of the norm, cool philosophical, unconventional abstract” friends. It feels like he is less affectionate to me too.

6. I feel like I’m not woke enough for him because gender in my view, while not hateful is less profound and abstract like his. He has a very negative view on gender norms while mine is not that negative though we both agree that nobody should be defined by gender)

7. Sometimes when I’m with him, I feel like maybe I’m too masculine and don’t feel like a woman.

8. He says dressing as a man is just nothing special and he dresses as a man when he wants to blend in. I wish he could love his masculine side equally as his feminine side and explores fashionable options in masculine fashion as well.

9. I am afraid that I am confining him to gender roles and that I’m impeding him from expressing himself. We agreed that he would dress himself when femme and I could give outfit recs/ clothing gifts for masc clothing but sometimes it feels like I’m pushing it onto him.

10. I am afraid of him becoming trans. (There is nothing wrong with being trans. Trans women are women and I support them)However, I don’t know if I can support a lover while they transition. It would feel like losing some part of a person you used to know. Not to mention, the sexual anatomy and all are too much for me to handle. I expressed this concern before and he laughed, saying there was about 0.01 percent of it happening. Still, I’m afraid that might change after say 10 years.

11. I feel jealous that he gets to enjoy the benefits of being feminine while not having to deal with periods, hormones, gender pay gap inequality and all the prejudices received as women. It feels strange when he feels like he’s a part of a marginalized group somewhat.

    This person is the apple of my eye. He expresses love for me so much. I know I’m the problem and I don’t want to lose him. He treats me so well and I don’t deserve him. How do I stop thinking about all of these concerns? They make me scared to the point of heart palpitations and nausea. I am panicking.

It's been over a year and half since my partner told me. And it's been a difficult journey trying to sort out how it all fits into my life and desires. We're finally now starting to make some progress and I'm starting to see glimmers of how happy we can continue to be together while fully accepting each other. I guess I want to share that my journey is taking a lot of time, and I think that is normal. I know I love my man and want to keep him, even though things are being revealed that I would have never imagined for myself. I have had difficulty reconciling that within myself, but have persisted in my desire to remain open minded and open hearted even though it has been extremely difficult and uncomfortable. 

Hopefully this helps other partners out there. As I have been trying to do the work to break down my barriers and move into a space of not only acceptance, but deep love and appreciation for my partner I was reminded that as much as I want to, I cannot fix or heal or "accept" all of this instantly. I was reminded that breaking down unhealthy and untrue beliefs about the gender binary and its necessary expressions will take time, collaboration, and love. That taking time is not only ok, but it's normal and really the only way to do it. I read this and wanted to share:

The Gender Mirage-from the writing of Emily Nagoski, in her book Come Together.

The work happens all by itself when you're living your life....Like planting a seed you don't get a thriving plant by doing a worksheet or even a daily practice.

You simply allow time to pass in a supportive context.

Liberation from the gender mirage needs trusting relationships around you and the ability to turn with calm, warm, curiosity toward your difficult feelings.

Shift your perspective enough, to see the mirage flicker. 

[You will] move through the tunnel of your difficult emotions as you recognize what's true and what you need. Allow all of it.

Let time pass in a positive context. Good things come.
You don't have to be in a hurry; you don't have to work hard. Let it sit. Let it loosen the cracked layers of lies, moral imperatives, and shame. It doesn't happen all at once.

Allow yourself to see the difficulty. Talk about it. Grieve for the ideal selves you'll never be. Or grieve for the selves you could have been without the effects of the gender mirage over time. Embrace, with confidence and joy, for who you are and celebrate each other fully, for who you are.

We can't do it alone. We need other people. At a minimum, one special someone who knows our true selves and loves all of us. We get there collaboratively to "mirage proof" our relationships. So, never again let someone else's rules control how we feel about ourselves and our person.

We stay in the wisdom that everyone wants to be who they are. You can have that when you practice being who you are and being loved in your relationship.  And knowing more and more who your partner truly is and love them, in your relationship. 

------
So, don't be too hard on yourselves. It's ok that it takes time.

About a year ago, I attempted to join either this group or another for support. I am a woman who's attracted to crossdressers. At the time, I had just gone through a painful break up. It was sudden & it left me blindsided. I felt that other partners could relate to the emotional shock. This man wasn't just some guy whose dresses I admired. He was my friend. I enjoyed our time together, including our lively discussions.

Again, it may or may not have been this group. I was already feeling isolated. Many of our mutual friends were fading away. Imagine how I felt when a moderator accused me of trolling for hook-ups. She also said that it was a place for wives & ex-wives who'd felt betrayed. As a former gf who had embraced my ex-bf's life, I "didn't count". When I asked why she thought my own betrayal feelings hurt any less than anyone else's, I never got a response.

I allowed myself time to mourn the loss. I treated me like a queen. I discovered new interests & renewed old interests. I've learned from the experience & come out far stronger. Today the pain is a distant memory & I enjoy meeting new people, having new experiences... and life itself.

My husband told me about his crossdressing several years into our marriage. It was difficult for me initially, but we've worked through it over the years and I've genuinely come to accept and support this side of him. In fact, I really enjoy seeing him happy and confident when he's dressed.

Over the last while, though, his crossdressing has become much more prominent in our lives. He's spending considerably more time dressing, engaging with other crossdressers online and exploring this side of himself socially.

I know some of what I'm feeling is jealousy, and I'm trying to be honest about that. I didn't expect this aspect of our relationship to become quite so significant, and I'm struggling with where I fit into it now.

He has his own social media accounts for this side of him and I'm finding the attention he is getting there really difficult and confusing to make sense of.

He's also been expressing appreciation for styles, appearances and things about other people that are very different from how I look or dress. I know logically that finding something attractive or interesting doesn't automatically mean you don't find your partner attractive, but it's started to make me feel quite insecure and, at times, like I'm not as important to him as this part of his life.

I don't want to take something away from him that makes him happy, and I don't want this to come across as being unsupportive of crossdressing. That's not really the issue. I think I'm struggling more with the change in balance and what it means for our relationship.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, where something you initially accepted became a much bigger part of your partner's life?

How did you deal with the jealousy or insecurity? Did you find a way to feel secure and important in the relationship again, or did you eventually realise that the balance between you had fundamentally changed?

I'd really appreciate hearing from partners who have been through something similar.

Thanks in advance

I know my husband is lying to me about something significant, how do I bring this up with him

[removed]

Can you recommend me the best Bovada Alternatives?