I feel like I'm in some twisted version of a lavender marriage
Vent or rant or something but I've got to get this off of my chest
I, 30F, and my husband, 30M, have been together for 10+ years now. When we were young and dating he flirted a little with the idea of crossdressing but then nothing happened for years. I thought it was a blip and then over.
Now, in this past year or so, his exploration has exploded to several purchases of lingerie, clothing, sex toys, and so on. It's been overwhelming but I understand that this is something he needs to work through himself and together to understand the extent of it - that is not my problem. My problem is that now we ONLY have intimacy when he is dressed up - and even that we are still NOT having sex. We haven't had sex in 3 months and even that time 3 months ago was essentially a "fine, here you go" sex and nothing like what we have done before.
Granted we've never been very active outside of our honeymoon. Otherwise we really only have sex maybe once every 5-7 months. Which sucks, but I've coped with it...for the most part.
But now that we are exploring this kink more in depth, we are more intimate - but we aren't having sex. We'll make out, we'll talk about fantasies, he might jerk off/I give a BJ or maybe (if I'm lucky) he'll kind of touch me. Still, no actual sex - or, at least, nothing that brings me to orgasm or anything close. I'm so pent up myself, craving physical intimacy so I'll indulge the dresses and lingerie if that gives me some kind of physical attention but I'm also so fed up with being okay with not being considered in the bedroom.
I flirted with him a bit after a couple of drinks the other night and he was finally talking about having sex with me and we started things but he wasn't able to continue past a minute or so due to losing all hardness and interest. I asked if I did anything wrong and he assured me I didn't and that he just wasn't feeling it. Which is fair. But it doesn't sting any less. This is the 2nd time in a row that we've attempted actual sex for that to happen. How can I feel anything but not stung by it.
Trust me, I love him so much. He is truly my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. But - I want to give up on asking for physical attention (I'm always left anxious, self conscious, and feeling like I'm bending who I am for him) but I also don't want to indulge the dresses and lingerie anymore if that means I'm not being taken care of myself. I also just so desperately crave his masculine side when it comes to sex now and I feel like we're becoming incompatible.
All of this and he keeps talking about a 3-some which I'm inclined to consider cause maybe, just maybe, I'll have a player there that is attentive to me too but that feels like cheating in my head if I'm doing it for the sole reason to get attention from someone else which I don't like. But also I don't know how I will continue the rest of my life like this. I don't want to divorce him but I also don't know if we just become poly or something in that realm? I keep feeling that we both somehow married each other out of love, absolutely, but also much out of convenience.
Have you experienced anything similar? Would you consider a polygamous relationship? Is there anything else I can say to him to help him understand? We've talked about this before but I don't think he's truly understanding how much of a wedge our sex lives are putting in my mind right now and I don't know how to get the wedge out of the way.
One part of me says stay and let things live as they are.
Another part says fight and continue to push him and press him for love.
Another part says open things up and allow myself and him to experience some other fun.
And another part is asking why the hell I'm dealing with this anyways.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm sorry this is so long I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I feel so incredibly isolated since a huge factor is his kink that I can't talk to anyone about.