Wishing to God to remove my desire to be loved
I tried dating last year. Not once did it ever progress to a relationship. The first guy actually has a kid with his ex and he hid it from me for months. The second guy ghosted me because i was unable to meet him often due to my demanding work. The third guy was actually in a relationship so basically i became a freaking sidechick, but I told his gf and answered all her questions. Hopefully he suffered from the consequences and i hope she's doing okay.
I was yearning to be loved and chosen even to the point i agreed to a fwb setup. Yes I KNOW I WAS STUPID. I think i was just that lonely.
This emptiness has been haunting me every night. All my friends are all in happy relationships while here I am, just drowning in all my thoughts. I'm confident with my looks and i can commit naman. I just don't know what am I doing wrong? They always thought na I'm taken which idk why.
Umabot sa point na umiiyak nako sa gabi, wishing and praying to god to just please please remove my desire to be loved. I still stand by it. Kasi naawa nalang ako sa sarili ko.
I'm not with my family rn cuz i chose to work far from them. I only have my friends.
Actually before I started dating last year, i was doing okay. I just tried it out kasi my friends encouraged me. Di masyado affectionate ang fam ko so i grew up not really that huggy lovey with my fam, hindi kami emotionally close.
Then when i started dating, naopen ang eyes ko sa affection and love. Yes i did fell in love, really, with the first guy i dated, but i hate liars.
He treated me with love and affection i never experienced before. Parang may napunan sa emptiness ng heart ko non. I was happy. Genuinely happy. Na that's how it feels like pala to be loved.
But now? I'm craving and yearning for a love that's genuine. Yes, before typing this I was bawling my eyes out in frustration. I'm not a bad person naman. I vote wisely, I'm not a dds. Pero wala eh bakit parang di ako worth it mahalin??
I deleted my dating app last February. I'm just a lurker here. I enjoyed reading confessions and such here. Di nawawala ang envy but I'm happy for all those in a relationship. Gusto ko nalang malaman if pati din ba ako mamahalin din ng tama?
Still praying to god na alisin nalang ang desires ko to be loved if im not meant to loved.
Ps. Nobody would guess na ganto na tumatakbo sa isip ko cuz i tend to act cool and easy going. Like if kilala mo ko in person, di mo yan ieexpect. For girl talks, i don't really talk much about love and rs.