I moved across the world for my husband, and now I’m starting to resent my mother in law.
Six months ago, I moved to the other side of the world to live in my husband's country and support his dreams. He had done the same for me before, so I saw it as something we were doing for our future together.
The drama started pretty soon... I had barely arrived when my mother-in-law's friend and roommate died by suicide. He had a chronic illness.
After his death, my MIL came to stay with us. The original plan was for two or three months. She wasn't doing well financially, had struggled with depression before, and my husband is basically the only family she has left who is willing to help her. I agreed because, at the time, it felt like the right thing to do.
At first, everything was fine. We set some basic boundaries and divided the household responsibilities. I thought we could make it work somehow, but then I found out something nobody had told me before she moved: she has an addiction to prescription medication and also mixes her medication with a lot of alcohol. She has a psychiatric disorder and is supposed to be taking medication for it.
Over the following months, I watched her deteriorate. She barely takes care of herself. She spends most of her time in bed, doesn't eat properly, drinks a lot, sometimes doesnt take her medication, complains about being in pain, and refuses most attempts to help her.
I've really tried here, invited her out, tried to include her in things, cooked for her, brought presents, tried to spend time with her, but she says "No". Haven't tried a single meal I have prepared, even watching a movie is out of the question.
Then we went away for three weeks.
She was excited to have the house to herself, and while we were away we occasionally sent her pictures and messages to let her know we were okay and thinking about her. She read them but didn't respond.
When we came home, she was much worse.
She hadn't properly bought groceries for herself or her cat, physically she looked very bad. She was incredibly isolated and spent days crying in her room while also not wanting anyone around her.
The second day after we arrived she asked my husband if she could stay with us until next year, and we agreed. We thought maybe having more stability would help.
It didn't. So far, she continued to decline help. Her doctor eventually recommended hospitalization, rehabilitation, and more intensive treatment for her depression. She refused. And as far as we understand, because she isn't considered an immediate danger to herself or others, we can't force her into treatment here.
She had also been working a few hours a week as a nurse, but eventually stopped working altogether.
That's when I started to feel trapped. I no longer have much time alone in my own home. I feel guilty laughing or relaxing because she is always suffering in the next room. I know she isn't choosing to have depression, and I know she is genuinely struggling. But I also feel like I have disappeared into her problems.
And then last week, I received her mail and gave her two letters from work. The next day, my husband told me that she had been fired. Apparently, she had planned to be away from work for around six months 🙄 because of her friend's death and because she needed time to recover.
Until now, she had at least been contributing financially to the household. Now she has no job, no income, doesn't want treatment, and wants to stay with us for longer than we originally planned.
And honestly, I'm scared. The thought of living like this for another year scares the shit out of me.
The difficult thing is that my MIL is actually a sweet person. I don't think she's a bad person, and I don't want to portray her that way. I care about her. But I feel like she has completely stopped taking responsibility for her own life. Everything has a reason why she can't change it, and every problem seems to reinforce the idea that she is the victim. I understand that depression and addiction can make it extremely difficult to take action, but at the same time, she refuses almost every form of help that could actually change the situation.
Meanwhile, I am struggling too.
Moving here has been a huge adjustment. I'm learning a new language, I left my job behind, and I have no family or close friends here yet. I also went through a pregnancy loss.
And somehow, despite everything I've gone through, our entire life has become about her.
I want to enjoy the first years of my marriage. I want to build a life here with my husband, make friends, learn the language, laugh, go out, and just feel like myself again.
Instead, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life fall apart while my own life is slowly being put on hold.
I feel horrible for feeling resentful because I know she is sick and suffering. I don't want my husband to feel like he has to choose between his mother and me but I'm afraid maybe that moment will come. She is still young with a life in front.
But I don't know where the line is between helping someone and sacrificing your own life for someone who refuses help.
I've told my husband that I don't think I can do this indefinitely, but we haven't found an answer yet.
What would you do in my situation? 🥴 I need your advice guys.