Girlfriend fantasizing about other guy and she WILL sleep with him
Dinner is a braised umami short rib over mash potatoes and gravy. Some mushrooms too
I put a TLDR and main questions at the end for anyone curious and lazy😀
I(M23) have been with my lovely Gf(22) for 3 years and its been a LDR the whole time, still is. I can say they have been the best 3 years of my life and she truly is my person. I always feel like myself with her and genuinely prioritize her feelings and happiness. It obviously hasnt been smooth sailing all the way but we communicate very well and our love is very strong.
It was my idea first. If there is a strong sexual desire for someone outside of our relationship then as long as we are honest with all parties and keep it strictly a 1-time sexual release. We came to that agreement and gradually talked more about it. I only brought it up because I wanted to be honest about what I see makes relationships fail and how to approach that.
Yesterday she told me that theres a guy at a place she frequents that shes attracted to and she said yes to go out on a date with him. It was a bit anxiety inducing but I was really okay with it. However, after talking about it we realized we had a misunderstanding about what we consider as a strictly sexual encounter. Obviously its okay for her to go on a date with him to make sure hes not a weirdo murderer but I didnt want there to be the sense of Romance on the date as if it were one of our dates. I dont know if thats selfish or unfair but it would just make me uncomfortable to think they hold hands, kiss at the end of dinner, and then make love.
It might just be a biological difference in our perspective of relieving our lust. I truly believe that you can go on a date, have sex, and it not be romantic or sensual. She doesnt.
Now that we have defined that misunderstanding and our differences, shes telling me that she really wants to make this change in our relationship and go through with the intimate sensual sex and dates.
Now heres the kicker, this guy she went on a date with is just the appetizer. She was testing the waters because she let me know yesterday that really theres this guy she frequently sees in her gym that she has had strong sexual desires for and that the already occasionally flirt. I could tell that she wants me to be on board with this now because she really wants to fuck this guy. And ti be honest, that is fucking with me a bit. Because at first she was hesitant with the idea as a whole but now she seems very passionate about going through with it and it seems like its because she really really wants to fuck this guy. It seems like no matter what i say about my feelings, she wants this real bad now and nothing will stop her.
Truth is, I dont want to stop her. I just want to create a boundary with what I am comfortable with. But what I am comfortable is too much for her. She doesnt agree that she can fuck this guy without being romantic or intimate and that brings me sooo much anxiety.
Everything I have mentioned in this post has been spoken about with her. I just feel confused as to what to think. When I express my concerns or anxiety, she definitely comes off defensive. I need to know if I was in over my head even introducing this as a subject in out relationship and Im afraid I may have opened a can of big worms. I really want her in my life forever and i truly believe she wants the same.
Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation or tried to open a relationship? Because I really do NOT want an open relationship. I dont want this to be normal. The last thing i need is an occasional date with some random. I want it to be a thing that happens in extreme cases where the desire for sex is too strong. I fear that her desire for sex is normally very strong and it doesnt help that 1000 men come to hit on her everyday.
TLDR:
I've been in a 3-year LDR with my girlfriend and we proposed an arrangement allowing one-time casual encounters with others, provided they remain strictly sexual without romance. When she started pursuing a man she likes, I discovered she believes sex inherently involves romance—something I disagree with. She revealed this first guy was really a build up to her real interest. Another guy at her gym she desperately wants to sleep with. She's been defensive when I express anxiety, and I'm stuck because I don't want to stop her, but our comfort levels and boundaries are incompatible. I fear her desire combined with the attention she gets from other men means this won't stay a rare thing like I envisioned, and I'm questioning whether I made a mistake by introducing this idea.
Is there a good way to set that boundary?
Did I fuck up and open a bad can of worms?
And do any of you have similar experiences I can learn from?