u/Neither_Platypus430

******Lack of passion******

We've been dating 6 months and I feel a strange lack of passion from him. I am good looking and feminine and other men I've dated just seemed a lot more into me. Numerous times he's held out his hand and I thought he wanted to hold hands but he just wanted me to massage he hand. He never wants to cuddle unless it's sex.

Not attracted to me??????

Physically I am above average in the looks department and often get quite a bit of attention from men. But my boyfriend rarely compliments my appearance or even looks pleased with it. I asked him once if he was attracted to me. After trying to evade the question he said yes. I asked for specifics and he was so vague. Said I was beautiful and have a nice body. That's it. Is that normal? I could personally go on and on about what attracts me to a man I'm into, e.g., his broad shoulders, his big hands, his height, his complexion, his hairy chest. He gave me nothing.

*****Weird sex life*****

He has been complaining recently saying that he doesn't like certain positions because they don't let him stay hard. He said my vagina is tight for 2 minutes and then relaxes and isn't tight and he can't feel anything. I use a very very tiny dildo to pleasure myself so I really don't think it's a question of me having a large vagina. He also doesn't have a small dick. Not massive but decent size. But it clicked for me today that if he's used to anal then of course a vagina would feel loose.

I ALWAYS need to finish him with a blow job.

For the first 5 minutes we have sex, he seems very into it. Then he starts looking incredibly bored. He even sighs during sex like it's a chore. He has complained that I take too long to finish. (Isn't sex supposed to be enjoyable and something that's fun??? And not a race to the finish line?) I think he maybe came while we were having sex once. Every other time it's in my mouth. He likes intense and vigorous blow jobs.

He has recently been pushing to have sex without a condom and have anal sex. Neither of which I'm comfortable with given my concerns. He threw a tantrum the other day in bed when I refused to have sex without a condom and said I killed the mood and just stopped mid act. So we just didn't have sex.

*****Close male friends*****

He seems to have emotionally strong relationships with his male friends, especially one who he works with. They have been on two business trips recently and my bf shaved his junk right before the trips, which he rarely does otherwise. One night I barely heard from him. The next night I asked what he did that night and he was like a deer in the headlights. I don't know what he was doing but I know it was something he didn't want me to know about. I have seen nothing that is black and white on his phone but I did notice he deleted his chats with that coworker as of the day he returned from that trip. Why on earth else would he do that?

*****I have cheating concerns****

I've had this feeling he's been cheating for months and now I'm wondering if I've been looking at the wrong gender.

Interestingly, he is very suspicious of me and has practically accused me of cheating or messaging men numerous times. It has got to the point that he imagines entire scenarios about me spontaneously meeting men when I'm out and joining them for drinks at another bar when I'm really just catching up with my girlfriend. He picks apart my story and looks for cracks even when I am telling him the truth in excruciating detail.

******Performative affection******

His parents love me and I feel like he is more affectionate to me around them, almost as if it's a performance. It's crushing because I'm starting to feel so lonely and neglected that it feels good to be affectionately touched when we're at his parents. He doesn't do it so much when we're alone. We watch tv almost every night and hell ask for a massage but rarely ever pets me or cuddles me. I don't know if this is normal but it feels so cold. It's one of those things I never thought about until this relationship when it's missing.

*****Weekday morning meetups with men*****

He's had numerous weekday "breakfasts" with friends from out of town and I'm not wondering if those were grinder hookups or something. In the little research I've done, it seems like gay hookups are a lot easier to schedule at random times. That said, I have seen him actually plan these breakfasts with his friends. So if he's hooking up with these dudes, they have to also be closeted and they would have had to agree on a code or something, e.g. always texting as if there are peering eyes and giving an official meeting place via text for the chat. Maybe they are doing brunch and sex afterwards? Are closeted gay men this sophisticated?

*****He once called me a "dirty little boy" in bed*****

English is not his first language but he's probably at like 85% proficiency and nowhere near not understanding the difference between boy and girl. THIS was weird.

*****One thing that doesn't add up*****

One thing that doesn't add up for me is that he's very possessive and jealous and suspicious. He calls me constantly when I'm out and always tells me not to talk to other men. If he doesn't love me or care about me, why does he care who I'm with or what I'm doing? This part I don't get.

*****He gets mad over small things and is overall extremely critical of me*****

I just don't feel this man actually loves me. He yelled at me once for preparing a salad the wrong way. Another time for spilling a cup of tea. Two of many examples.

******CONCLUSION******

I am feeling increasingly lonely and detached in this relationship. Worst of all, I'm worried if he has been hooking up with men, he could have exposed me to serious STDs like HIV. So I am also getting tested and grappling with that right now.

Are there any surefire ways to find out if he is closeted? And then the other question - if he is closeted, is he having sex with men? Or is it completely repressed? He has a somewhat high profile job and is from a traditional part of the world where homosexuality is NOT ok. Is it possible he's so afraid and repressed that he isn't actually sleeping with men? On the surface he's quite homophobic.

I feel very alone and confused right now and my self esteem has taken a beating. Usually I feel very desired in relationships as I am good looking at take care of myself and love being with a man. I love to love and to be loved. He makes me feel undesired.

TLDR

I'm worried my boyfriend is gay because he can only stay hard for 5 min despite having a high sex drive. I always have to give him a blow job to finish him. He is not very affectionate unless were around his parents. There is a weird cold vibe that I haven't experienced before. When I'm out in public men oogle over me but my boyfriend doesn't. I feel lonely and confused and also worrying about STDs atm while waiting for test results to come back.

EDIT - OTHER THINGS I REMEMBERED

When I left my dildo on his nightstand, he asked me to remove it in case his parents saw it, he doesn't want them to think he's gay. This totally threw me off as my mind NEVER would have gone there. Why on earth would he think they would jump to that conclusion??

He once stood up for his bff/colleague at work and got me to read the message in the slack channel. It was such an emotionally charged and long message. My BF is usually very to the point. He has never said anything like that for or about me. His bff left a voice note thanking him and he almost sounded teary eyed. Is this normal hetero behavior?