How do I move on?
When I was in a relationship when I was 14 to 15. I was on the giving and receiving end sexual coercion. To be 100% honest. I was doing the most of it. Because I felt like I had to provide sex to her or else she would leave me. This combining with me getting random confidence boost, led to me begging her to have sex with me. Which then put her in a situation where she felt like she couldn’t say no to me. And this went both ways. There would be times where I would say no and she would beg. Which had me caving in. I was never told what I was doing was harming her. Nor do I tell her, I do NOT blame her for what happened. I hold myself accountable for my actions and I definitely change so that stuff NEVER happens again.
Also I want to say. This was a repeated offense. Not just one occasion. But not every time we had sex it was pressing. There were times where we didn’t pressure or beg each other.
She rightfully vented to one of her friends and that friend started a rumor mill where I raped her. Me and my ex talked and she said that she never specifically said I raped her. She was so overwhelmed by what happened that she just needed to vent. Which is understandable. We both just wanted this drama to end. She forgave me and wanted to move on. She even wanted me to move on. However I can’t. I still feel so much guilt and shame.
We did have 2 conversations about the whole thing and I could not stop apologizing... I wanted to her to know how truly sorry I am...
I never had any intentions of harming her. My goal was to show her I could do something that I was not ready for. I am not trying to blame her for when I say this. But she was very clingy. She broke up with my for a day, planned to go bang this other dude. Didn't and we got back together. Which did NOT help my anxiety at all. She also cheated on me then compared me to the dude she cheated on me with. She would get mad at me for hanging out with friends. I felt like I couldn’t say no to her. And there would things I would do that made her feel like she had to stay with me. She thought I would kill myself is she left me. Which I regret 100%.
I live with this every fucking day… I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I haven’t done anything like that since and it’s been years. I’m now 21. I have a whole new girlfriend and I love her to death. However I feel like I don’t deserve her.
I lost so many friends because of this… and I never had the chance to tell them my side.
I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve tried turning myself into the police and attempted to kill myself because of this. I felt like there was no justice.
I’m scared that I am a rapist. I hate that I hurt someone who I loved. At the time. What I was doing I thought was right. “Yeah we’re in a relationship. This should happen!”. I didn’t know what consent really looked like. So how do I move on? Do I kill myself? Do I try to turn myself in again? If not? How do I move on? How do I overcome this guilt? Am I really a good person? I was a kid. I also felt pressured. I was scared. I only had porn to go off of. But does that really matter? I’m a man. I unfortunately benefit from the patriarchy. Women fear men for all the right reasons. Men. We all have to admit. We are terrible creatures and we are to blame.
For some reason there are women in my life who are very comfortable with me. I don’t know how to comprehend that. They know my past. And they still view me in a positive light.
Whenever I see post on social media saying that "force consent is rape" and rethinking about what happened. But are they talking about the people who KNOW what they're doing? Or they also including the people who did this at such an early age? I don't know!
Whenever I try to research this. I get conflicting things. What I did was rape! What I did was not! I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE! I NEVER WANT TO PUT ANYONE IN A SITUATION WHERE I VIOLATE THEM! THAT'S DISGUSTING AND HORRIFIC! Is the only reason why I am allowed to run free is because I am a man?
It's hard for me to have sex now... I'm too scared to do it... Yeah I am able too. But most of the time. I am scared the same thing is going to happen again... Even though I always make sure my partner is consenting freely. Making sure she is comfortable around me. And is able to say no to me.
I’ve been in therapy for this for a couple years. I have a great therapist. To be honest I’m just scared to move on. Am I even allowed to move on? Am I good person? And again. I'm going to be honest.