u/Neutral_Kay

I know I am a perfectionist and it stems a lot from that... but also when I am wrong in front of NT, it's like it completely invalidates everything I've ever said, ever. They never address valid points and then focus solely on where I made a slip, regardless of whether it was relevant to the conversation. So many times I've been made to feel dumb to the point where I am not even sure if I did actually make sense.

This problem was especially highlighted in childhood because people automatically don't take children seriously. I learned to be quiet, that my contribution didn't matter, and that when in arguements its more effective to give them scathing quick remarks than communicate the problem or point. Now in my older age, especially with current politics, I really want to be able to function in a debate without feeling foolish or hesitant. It's like everything I've learned cannot be conveyed properly and so therefore I'm stuck in the loop of being 'wrong' in some way all the time.

I often just revert back to 'why say many word when few word do trick?' but its exhausting. I just want to be heard.

I'm sorry, this will be a heavier post so dont read if you're not in the mindset for that. I just needed to say something somewhere.

I am not officially diagnosed but I've never felt the debilitation quite like today. For context, my mom's been sick for 20 years. Shes a medical marvel with all of the horrible painful conditions she has. We are poor. I spent 8 years being the primary breadwinner for my older sister and her. My sister was diagnosed with adhd but shes likely audhd as well (same with my mom but she wont entertain that idea), and needed a lot of support as well. I met my ex 6 years ago and broke up with him last year--the only 2 years I got a break from being the primary financial supporter, though I still didnt manage to save much.

When I broke up with him last year, I was in a completely state of burnout. I quit my job, let him keep my babies (cats), lost a lot of friends, and moved back home. My sisters bf had moved them both to be closer to his job--I dont know what we would have done without him tbh. I moved in with them and was slowly getting through my healing journey. I was just starting to feel like I could maybe be myself again.

My sister wants to be the one to take care of my mom. That has always been the plan, especially as her and her bf are very stable relationship wise (we arent struggling for money as much but just getting by). My mom's health has taken a turn. Last night was excruciating and she left in the morning in an ambulance howling. Shes an extremely difficult and complex patient with major ptsd that hospital settings trigger and now we've added diverticulitis with perforation to the list. She'll be having emergency colostomy surgery in the morning.

I am in complete autistic meltdown mode and I have been trying to keep it together. My sister and I are camping out in her hospital room rn and I so desperately want to leave as horrible as that is. I cant stop crying. My moms screaming in pain every time she moves and for a full hour or two before its time for medicine. I havent been able to eat, barely any sleep, and I would kill someone to smoke a bowl right now. I'm so thankful for my sister because shes holding it together for both of us now but I really just want to die. I feel like my whole life has been stolen from this. Even when my mom worked, we were struggling and had no support system and though my mom did the best she could, I am extremely damaged from the isolation and neglect. I feel horrible for even thinking these things when shes in so much pain.

Sorry to dump so much here. Those of you who are caretakers, how do you manage it with audhd?