What do we do next?
Husband and I (30M and 31F) have been together for 11 years and married for 3. We’re each others’ firsts and onlys, he’s literally the 2nd person I ever kissed and my first/only boyfriend. He dated a bit before me and has slightly more experience but we have both only had sex with each other.
Coming from a religious background I was always fine with that and thought it was what I wanted and the right/good/only option for me. I wasn’t opposed to dating other people before settling down and did try but this is how things worked out and I have zero regrets about being with him or our relationship. He’s my person, my best friend, my life partner, and I can’t imagine living my life with anyone else but him.
We’ve had a lot of big life changes in the last 6 months and I had an experience that opened my eyes a bit to wondering what it would be like to have sex with and “date” other people. It’s snowballed a bit and I’m feeling like I am coming into my sexuality (not like LGBT but just, being more open-minded and interested in new things) for the first time and suddenly thinking that I may never experience kissing or sex with another person for the rest of my life feels overwhelming and like I missed my chance.
Husband and I have talked and he’s understanding, empathizes and feels similarly although maybe is more fine with it than me at this juncture, and we are both interested in possibly exploring some non monogamous stuff. We started by going to a lifestyle club last month and ended up having sex in one of the group rooms, but just kept to ourselves. It was really exciting and fun because it was suuuuper out of character and new for us both but we enjoyed it a lot.
Unfortunately we live in a pretty conservative mid-sized city in the South (US) and options are very limited for clubs or meetups from what we are seeing. I’d like to go to another club and maybe try flirting or talking to other people and see how that goes, but there isn’t really much around us. I know there are apps but I don’t think either of us are super into that as a next step if it means meeting up with other couples as we aren’t sure if we’re ready to commit to doing any swapping and don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
I thinking swinging is our realistic best option to start, although I’d probably prefer separate FWBs. He’s expressed he’d want us to experience the first stuff together and I think that makes sense and I do agree it’s probably safer and healthier.
I’m just worried that
A) I’m so inexperienced and have never considered casual sex before. What if I can’t handle it?
B) What if we have sex with other people and feel like we’ve lost something special that was just “ours” by doing so? If others have been in this position I’d love to hear your perspective. I’m leaning towards I’d rather have new experiences and some regrets than never trying at all but it’s hard to know.
C) How do we dip our toes in with such limited opportunities in our area? There are clubs 2-3 hours away but it feels like that puts a lot of pressure on going to one. And apps seem pretty unappealing from what I remember of Tinder back in college, plus the added complexities of having no clue what the etiquette or expectations are around the lifestyle stuff.
D) I’m worried about the possibility of us getting misaligned on how much we want to try it out. I don’t want to introduce resentment or frustration if one of us really wants it and the other decides they don’t (right now I’m feeling like I’m probably the more interested one). I already know from lurking that cis straight men generally have a harder time. I want to do my research and be prepared but I’m worried by doing so I’ll get too invested. How do you strike that balance?
I’m torn between wanting to pursue this and wondering if this is some sort of delayed quarter-life crisis on my part triggered by our life changes and potentially starting a family. I’ve been seeing a therapist since January but only recently opened up about this stuff. I’m currently reading Polysecure since she recommended it, but I’d don’t think either of us want polyamory. Husband is more interested in casual only and my “ideal” would probably be a mix of casual/swinging and a FWB situation.
Sorry this is so long, I’m just feeling stuck and overwhelmed.