It's over, finally
Long-time lurker, finally able to post.
I won't get into my infertility creds but will say that like a lot of people here, way too much of my mental energy was taken up over the past 4 years with IVF. I'm one of those people who has a constant background hum reminding me of what I need to do that day, that week, that month, just cycling through them so I don't forget.
Now, a huge part of my mental landscape is just gone.
I'll be focusing on something and then suddenly my subconscious will get to that part of its ritual and it's like a gut punch all over again.
Given that things were looking very bleak for a long time, I was hoping that when the last negative test came I would feel lighter. I've been floored by how breathtakingly painful the finality has been. I know this is going to sound really melodramatic but there's a familiarity to this grief: learning that someone has died that maybe you didn't know super well, but they were young and you thought they'd always be there. That's the feeling my subconscious is pushing on me, to where it's trying to remember who died, until my conscious brain takes over.
I know this feeling will fade (and of course sneak back up from time to time). In the mean time trying to hold it together as I prep for a company offsite this coming week.