r/IFchildfree

Long-time lurker, finally able to post.

I won't get into my infertility creds but will say that like a lot of people here, way too much of my mental energy was taken up over the past 4 years with IVF. I'm one of those people who has a constant background hum reminding me of what I need to do that day, that week, that month, just cycling through them so I don't forget.

Now, a huge part of my mental landscape is just gone.

I'll be focusing on something and then suddenly my subconscious will get to that part of its ritual and it's like a gut punch all over again.

Given that things were looking very bleak for a long time, I was hoping that when the last negative test came I would feel lighter. I've been floored by how breathtakingly painful the finality has been. I know this is going to sound really melodramatic but there's a familiarity to this grief: learning that someone has died that maybe you didn't know super well, but they were young and you thought they'd always be there. That's the feeling my subconscious is pushing on me, to where it's trying to remember who died, until my conscious brain takes over.

I know this feeling will fade (and of course sneak back up from time to time). In the mean time trying to hold it together as I prep for a company offsite this coming week.

Hello folks. Hope you’re having a lovely weekend. I know this won’t be anything new for this sub, but I hope some can commiserate, and at the least be reminded you’re not alone in this same struggle.

A bit about our story. Over the last 3 years I’ve had 3 ectopic pregnancies, leaving me infertile. We were approved for IVF, but at the same time I found out I have a progressive inflammatory disease. So we made the decision not to have children.

It’s been a while now, and honestly… life feels really quite good. The grief hasn’t disappeared, and I don’t expect it to really ever. But I’m finding more and more joy every day. We’ve moved to a new city that I absolutely love, there’s an amazing sense of community, our neighbours are lovely, we’re making friends, and we’ve just got an absolutely gorgeous, sweet, loving puppy (very willing to share photos 🤣). I’m going to Egypt next month, we’re considering Tanzania for calving season in January, and I’ve got an exciting new job in the new year. I feel more joy and hope than I have in years, and I’m really so grateful.

What hasn’t changed, unfortunately, is other people’s opinions about our life. My MIL is the biggest example. I do have a lot of sympathy for her because she’s emotionally quite vulnerable and I know this is something she struggles with; she’s always been highly anxious and externalises it onto everyone else. But with that she also seems completely unable to stop herself saying things that are incredibly hurtful. We’ve had several serious sit-down conversations explaining how much it hurts us, how insensitive it is, and that what we need now is for people to support us in building and enjoying the life we have. It just doesn’t seem to sink in. For example: the last time we visited, the first moment we were alone she came out with ‘I just wish [husband] could have the one thing he wants’ and today, just as we were leaving and after a lovely weekend where the family met puppy: ‘I just worry about you both when you’re older and have no one, because blood is really everything’ and ‘don’t you think you’ll be lonely?’ And the old chestnut ‘who’s going to look after you?’ 🙃 The one saving grace is that we live five hours away. My (increasingly fading) best friend also managed to share ‘I just don’t see that anyone who doesn’t have children can ever know real love’ Ma’am. Have you met my puppy? 🤣

Again I know none of this is anything novel for this sub, but I’d really love to hear others’ experiences with this and how you manage. I know we’re all trying so hard to build meaningful lives rather than constantly looking backwards at the ones we thought we’d have. For me it’s becoming increasingly frustrating that other people seem determined to remind me of what they think I’m missing. 

Love to hear your experiences.

(Also, I was removed from this sub a while back because we weren’t firmly in this place yet. I completely understand why, and I’m sorry again for that. We’re firmly here.)

I go through my life mostly being ok about my situation not having kids, which i have pretty much accepted. But I do obviously still feel sad at times seeing friends and family with kids, particularly the one who says she never wanted kids and now seems blissfully happy 🙄 (it really would be so much easier to stay friends with her if she told me she hated it occasionally!!) Anyway I keep thinking to myself, well you could have gone further, you could have gone abroad etc. I still could. But I don't. And it's just quite a weird situation to be in to know theoretically you could do something to change your source of unhappiness, but not doing that. I know my reasons are a combination of factors that could also cause unhappiness (Age, stress of process, lack of certainty, expense etc) which all make sense. I think it's really hard to explain to other people why you wouldn't just do this, it's hard to explain to myself at times. I guess ultimately the desire isn't strong enough to put myself/us through it, but that doesn't mean the desire isn't there at all and that it doesn't hurt or make me feel sad at times. I think it's just a complicated thing to come to terms with when you know that you could have done more but you chose not to, and accepting your choice whilst also feeling sad about the loss of what could have been and what others have but you don't. I don't know if I'm explaining this well but if anyone else feels similarly I'd love to hear it :)