r/IFchildfree

My partner and I had our final failed transfer in March (one chemical and two failures to implant) after we could no longer afford to continue fertility treatment. The grief consumes me every single day. We were trying to be careful who we told but my biggest regret has been confiding in my mother who has spread the info to multiple people (she claims she was “trying to make me feel less alone” by getting the stories of struggles from others and then sharing their successes with me). Well we didn’t have success so now I’m stuck comparing myself to all the people who “overcame” infertility when I was never able to despite starting IVF at a relatively young age and having only a mild case of endometriosis. Well the final blow was last night when I was helping her with dishes in the kitchen after a birthday celebration. Her ex best friend (who she rarely ever sees) has a young daughter (age 22) who got pregnant at a rehab centre last year. She sobered up for the baby which is awesome but it’s still so hurtful to hear when others get pregnant so easily. Anyways, my mother has been talking a lot about how this girl will”never make it and probably go back to her addictions.” So last night she says to me “I wasn’t going to tell you this but I met with the ex best friend and her daughter and the new baby for coffee a couple weeks ago and bought her some onesies and a rattle and gave her some cash for the baby” I told her it’s more hurtful to me that she felt the need to hide it from me. My mom told the young girl that she could maybe use the money to buy diapers for the baby and she said “maybe I could use it to get my eyelashes done instead” my mom also told the girl that “her baby’s eyes look just like mine when I was born.” My jaw dropped. She knows I will never have a biological child to compare eyes and features to. I am beyond hurt and don’t know if it’s just because the wounds of IVF failing are fresh or if I have right to be angry. What would you do in this situation? Of course there are going to be babies born and even family members having babies that my mom will go visit but I feel this visit was completely unnecessary when my mom doesn’t really have anything to do with them anymore. When I asked why she felt obligated to bring the baby some presents she said it was because her ex friend gave her some cash a few years ago when my mom had back surgery. So she felt she owed them something.

My in-laws are having a large 4th of July party this year. A lot of family and friends will be there. Although my grief comes and goes in waves. I will look on the bright side today.

It’s going to be disgustingly hot outside. The kind of humidity that makes your skin feel sticky to the touch. I do not enjoy being hot for long periods of time. But at least I will not be dealing with the heat along with shackles of parenthood on top of it.

We won’t have to chase after any kids. Make them a plate of food they won’t eat. Or change a poopy diaper that was baking in the sun. That is the job for the parents and the people who choose to help out. All we have to do is bring a cooler full of drinks and enjoy ourselves.

It's been a decade since we closed the door on having kids, and most days I love the life I'm living now. I successfully avoided triggers for a long time - no baby showers, focused on friendships with other childfree people, the things y'all intimately understand. I don't even go out of my way to avoid these things anymore, the issue just naturally faded away with time as we all got older.

But grief is sneaky! My husband asked me to go visit his cousin and her new baby with his parents, and I just did. not. want. to. go. I was surprised by my vehemence: surely I should be past this after all this time, right?

Having to perform joy for someone else while I'm reminded that this blissful newborn stage is something I'll never have but at one time desperately wanted...it's a lot. When I was actively grieving infertility, it was missing out on the pregnancy/infant stage that hurt the most. Add in that this was all to be in front of my inlaws and extended family, who are nice but have never really grasped the nature of our loss. I honestly felt incapable of pasting on a smile while the whole room cooed over mom and baby in a way I'll never experience.

Anyway, I lied and said I had to catch up on work and let them go without me. But I'm sitting here and kicking myself over it, feeling very stupid that I still feel this way 10 years on.

Just wanted to talk about it to one of the only groups of people who can understand.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I had my first colonoscopy today because there were some concerning symptoms I had been ignoring while we were going through RPL. During the nurse intake at the hospital, I was feeling anxious about possible cancer, hadn’t eaten in 40 hours, and had been up all night on the toilet. I’m also getting my period in a few days (all aboard the PMDD train).

We were going over medical history. I obviously had to mention RPL and adeno/endo because the latter can potentially complicate colonoscopies. Why did this medical professional look at me and say “I have that too, went through it all, I did IVF and I have a baby! It will work out for you!”

Lady, no it will not. Immediately started crying.

People just…

I always assumed I would have the option and choice to have kids one day. But after being diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer, that option was taken away.

My husband has been incredibly supportive. He tells me he’s okay with it and that he never really wanted kids anyway. I believe him, but I still can’t shake that feeling of guilt. I feel like I failed him somehow or that I’m not able to give him something he deserves. I also have a deep sense of shame because of the type of cancer that I was diagnosed with.

Lately, it’s become even harder as I watch my friends start their families. It feels like everywhere I look there are pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and photos of their kids growing up. I’m genuinely happy for them, but at the same time it reminds me of what I lost before I ever had the chance. It’s a strange mix of joy for them and grief for myself.

For those of you who’ve gone through something similar (whether because of cancer or infertility)… how did you cope with these feelings? Does the guilt ever get easier to carry?

It's been 6 months we stopped fertility treatments. Do you all still go to the gynecologist? I find it pretty traumatic to even think about scheduling an appointment. I don't really need to worry about getting pregnant or birth control so I don't know why i need to go? I have painful periods that are unbearable but I manage through really strong meds.

Hello all,

I am looking for therapist recommendations, ones specifically who have went through what we have went through and made it out the other side. My current therapist is really good, but I did broach the subject of being infertile last session and she made the atypical "avoidance is not healthy, we have to accept this and be there if only for the baby" comments which I do not need right now. I am in the Midwest. Wisconsin to be exact.

In other news I feel myself isolating from my family. They haven't been supportive in the past and they will never understand what this is like. Already asking about holidays and hoping we can get past this. This isn't something you get past, this is a lifelong condition and I feel people want things the way they want them and don't respect what we can handle. We have never been close and putting myself through even more emotional trauma for people for optics seems counterproductive to me. They have kids and grandkids, my presence is not necessary anymore.

Anyways thanks for the recs and listening to my rant. I appreciate you all more than words can say.

Piggybacking off my last question, what birth control did you decide to use after you stopped trying? I hesitate to put my body through any more hormones.

I was on a work trip last week and one of the other women on the trip was pregnant.

Somehow the subject came up and she asked me if I had kids. I very neutrally said that I didn't, and she replied "Good choice."

I almost burst into tears in the middle of the restaurant.

She didn't mean anything by it, she was just making a self deprecating joke and didn't realize the impact it would have. But it was one of those moments that feels like getting smacked in the face with a cast iron pan.

It is absolutely not a "choice" for me, and every time someone assumes that it is, I just want to scream.

I'm already in the middle of a spiral these past few months and everything triggers me. I'm turning 40 in a few weeks, it's just over a year since my diagnosis, several friends have had babies recently including one yesterday...

I can't properly talk about it with anybody in my life, and I don't want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me, so I keep it to myself as much as possible.

Even just walking past a pregnant woman on the street is enough to send me into an internal meltdown, but that's a whole other post.

The work trip was to the city I grew up in, which added to the spiral for so many other reasons, including my parents living there. Oh and for the entire trip I had the absolute worst period. The whole five days. Thank you non-ovulatory cycles.

I was a complete mess by the time I got home.

For context, my niece is 4 and playing with toys is so boring for me. Even the park is bores me. I’m beginning to think this is either a defense of I’m grateful I didn’t have kids.

Hi, flagging for potential sensitive topic such as ivf/fertility treatments.
This is just a vent, but feel free to chime in.
I have a friend who is doing ivf, we met through a fertility group years ago. She’s been an okay friend, I do sorta feel like I put more into the friendship than she does. She is a-little self centered and tends to turn everyone on her. If I talk about my feelings she says “aw”, every one in a while she will send something nice and meaningful. I stopped talking about my stuff because she makes me feel so small. However I’m getting a hysterectomy because of a cancer condition, and my husband and I decided to not persue human children in any form at all anymore. My friend knows this. But it’s like she’s oblivious to what I’m going through because all she talks about is ivf, her treatments etc, sometimes even complaining about the steps she’s taking with ivf. Her husband isn’t even supportive of her. She’s paying for everything herself, he literally just gave the sperm. They are unhappy in their marriage, yet doing ivf to have a child together. I’m slowly starting to not talk to her anymore, my replies are only a few short words. If she sends me a video through text talking about the ivf I don’t even watch it. Maybe it makes me selfish. I’m not jealous, I’m okay with where my journey is headed for the most part. I’m excited to have quality time with my husband but it does bother me that she’s not sensitive to the topic, especially because she’s went through infertility herself so she knows how it feels. Reading this back it’s obvious that I should stop being friends with her. I have hung in there because she could relate with me but obviously our lives are headed in 2 different directions.

I can’t believe it and don’t know how to navigate the situation.

She keeps confiding in me and said she’s so grateful she’s fertile (she’s 41) whilst knowing me and my husband have been trying and now stopped. Her comment felt so tone deaf imo.

She said she doesn’t even want the baby and I’m just lost for words. Why do the people who don’t really want kids become pregnant? It’s like a bizarre law in the universe. Then those like me who would like a family can’t. I don’t know how to feel about this.

Needed to vent on here, thanks for reading.

Hello again! I said in my post on 6/18 that I would be reopening the vote for 5 more days to make a full week. However, the voting was pretty decisive, so it did not seem there was a reason to keep the voting and discussion open. The mods have been thinking and chatting over the past several days and feel ready to share some thoughts. 

From active participants, the total number of votes from active members of the community was 106, with 74 in favor of continuing to use an expansive definition of infertility and 32 not in favor. Only about a third of the votes were from active community members, but even when looking at the overall totals, the ratio remained the same. Also, quite a few comments were from folks with little to no other participation in the subreddit, which was also interesting to notice.

We appreciate everyone’s feedback. We want this community’s rules and expectations to reflect what the members of the community need and want. This community was originally started 12+ years ago for people who attempted to conceive, were unable to have children, and ended up embracing childfree life. Regardless of whether you engaged in any level of fertility treatment, had/have a specific diagnosis (shoutout fellow unexplained infertility folks), or did/did not experience pregnancy loss, this community has always been for you if you tried to get conceive, weren’t able to have children, and moved on with your life as a childfree person.

In recent years, we have seen more participation from people experiencing infertility due to other medical conditions and social infertility. It seems that the community generally feels welcoming to people experiencing infertility due to other/pre-existing medical reasons, who never tried or are not able to try to conceive. The community seems a bit divided on whether this subreddit should allow folks who do not have any medical issues contributing to infertility, or social infertility. We share the concerns of members who commented about a “slippery slope” toward becoming a general childfree or infertility subreddit.  

Participation in this subreddit has always been limited. Our rules prohibit several groups of people from participation, and we regularly remove posts from people who do not fit the criteria to participate. We limited participation in this subreddit several years ago by creating monthly megathreads for people who are nearing the end of pursuing parenthood but strongly facing the possibility of IFCF life, and disallowing participation from these individuals in any other threads. Anytime there is a large group with rules and norms, some checking and redrawing of boundaries, if necessary, is going to need to happen. 

As the result of this recent discussion and vote, we are going to continue to allow people who are experiencing infertility due to other medical conditions, or due to what is commonly called social infertility, to continue participating here at this time. We are going to continue to monitor participation and the community’s response to various contributions, and may hold more discussions/votes and/or make additional changes in the future.

We understand that childlessness when children are wanted is painful, no matter the surrounding circumstances. At the same time, this subreddit cannot be everything to everyone. Not everyone agrees with the idea that no matter how someone arrives at childlessness, the grief is the same. Many infertility-focused subreddits take a fully expansive approach, and that is great. This subreddit has always functioned differently than most infertility-related subreddits. Anyone can create a subreddit if they find this one does not serve them. r/childless also has a very open approach. 

If you are someone who falls under the category of infertility due to other medical issues or social infertility, we ask that you keep in mind that not everything in this subreddit will resonate with you. Comments about being able to easily get pregnant if not for X circumstance, or about hypothetical pregnancies are not allowed. Engaging in Pain Olympics such as “you should be grateful you even got to try” or “my pain is worse because I’m single” is absolutely not allowed. Participating because you think you might have a medical condition that will maybe make it tough to get pregnant, but you’re planning to try anyway and in the meantime you want to post here is not okay. Engaging in abusive language in modmail because you misunderstand the rules or think they shouldn’t apply to you will earn you a permanent ban. These things have been happening, and they are not okay. 

u/library_wench is going to share some thoughts soon on other trends we’ve noticed in the subreddit, as a reminder to people who are subscribed to this subreddit and visitors. We’re also going to be recruiting a couple new moderators in the near future. 

As always, please modmail us with any questions! I’m going to leave comments open, but we will not be answering specific “can I participate” questions in comments, and standalone posts with the same theme will be removed as well. If you have this question or any others, please send a modmail and we will respond when we are able.

Hey everyone, I just need to vent to people who get it. Today has been a perfect storm of emotional and physical exhaustion, and I'm sitting here reeling.

First of all, it’s currently a massive heatwave here in the UK. On top of melting, my period just arrived after being 4 days late. As anyone in the IFCF community knows, those late days can be a mind game, and the physical drop when it finally arrives is rough.

But the weirdest, most hurtful thing happened today.

My husband’s best friend from primary school just had a baby last week. I sent a totally standard, polite text saying: "Congratulations on the new baby! xx from [My Name] and [Husband's Name]".

Today, I noticed something felt off, so I checked via private browsing... he blocked me.

I showed my husband the baby photo before this happened, and he noticed that the guy named as the baby's Godfather was actually someone who bullied the new dad in high school (like ripping up his physical schoolwork and calling him names). According to my husband, the godfather "has more money than sense." I guess they made up because they both have kids now?

My husband tried to rationalize it by saying, "Maybe he didn't realize it was you who messaged," but let's be real. You don't block a number for sending a nice congrats text.

I didn't bring up any of the old high school drama. I just sent a kind message. I'm sitting here wondering... is this one of those bizarre cases where people have a baby and immediately decide they only want to be friends with other parents now? Or is there some weird social-climbing drama happening because of the bully/godfather?

It feels so incredibly mean-spirited to cut ties over a polite message, especially right now when I'm already feeling physically and emotionally depleted. Has anyone else experienced people aggressively cutting you out the second they enter "parent mode"?

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I received an email today. It was a letter from my husband. Sometimes he likes to write letters to better express himself. I won’t go into too much detail but he feels guilty and sad. Sad that he sees so many other people close to us having children. Guilty because he feels like he wasted our chance of ever having children.

Two years ago we stopped treatments. Two years ago we began the process of grieving the child we would never have. He never expressed his emotions, but I was always open to hearing what he thought or how he felt about it. The first year was the hardest for me, 3 of our closest friends were pregnant and it felt like such a punch to the gut.

This last year has been easier; less crying, more accepting of what life will be like from now on. Of course days like Mothers and Father’s Day are rough, but I think this year hit him hard. I guess in my own grieving I had not thought much about his.

While I’m glad he felt he could come to me with how he feels now, it feels as if a wound that has barely closed has been torn open again. All the emotions I felt in the beginning are back. My mind can’t stop thinking about the what ifs, I can’t stop crying, and everything just feels empty again.

I know I’m not alone and I’m so grateful I’ve found this sub. I’m not sure why I’m writing this out, but it feels good to express myself while not burdening him.

I told him the pain of grief will never go away, but things will be ok…

My friend is visiting with her 2 year old and I have 2 large dogs.

OF COURSE the dogs and the kid aren’t going to be in the same room, but my friend is treating them as a huge inconvenience. Constantly asking me to kick them out into the yard, treating them like they’re dying to eat her child.

My dogs are so stressed. They haven’t eaten in 2 days. I’m legitimately worried about my senior at this point.

I don’t think people understand the role dogs play in your life when you know you will never have children. One of them is 13 years old and has been the closest thing I will ever have to a child for that entire time.

I just wish people had a bit more sensitivity and understanding.

I’ve known since I was young that having children would be very difficult for me because of a disability that I have, a couple of years ago I heard that it was impossible. I tried to accept it and move on with my life, because there is nothing I can change but it is SO HARD. Nobody knows that I cry about it every day. I am so incredibly depressed and sad about the fact that the thing that comes naturally to so many other people is impossible for me. What hurts me the most is the fact that we only get one life to live, so I’ll never ever experience motherhood. There is no second chance. Just one life and this is my destiny? I’ll never experience pregnancy, birth, raising children, looking at my child and see myself in them, have beautiful experiences with them like birthdays and holidays.
It feels so unfair and it hurts me so much. Does anyone have some words of encouragement?

Здравствуйте!

Подскажите, пожалуйста, после потери беременности я ощущала зависть к беременным знакомым. Ведь мы единственные у кого нет детей.

Потом в Интернете я прочитала, что нельзя завидовать беременным, ведь мы не знаем, что их ждёт впереди.

И я мысленно представила, что это и правда так, ведь любой ребенок, даже их, потом может заболеть раком или попасть в аварию или ещё что...

И я будто утешилась этими мыслями..

Теперь меня мучает совесть, что ко мне пришло это спокойствие и утешение...

Поделитесь, пожалуйста, было ли у Вас что-то похожее..?

Почему возникло это спокойствие и утешение?