r/IFchildfree

My husband and I decided we were done a while ago, and just never did anything about it. After multiple miscarriages and ectopics, we were done with the heartbreak. And now that we’re in our 40’s, we’ve decided that we like our life, and no longer feel any desire to have children.

I got an IUD last week, and while we’ve mentally been done for a while, it’s kind of a weird feeling to know we’re truely done. I am looking forward to no longer having a period at least!

I’ve recently accepted that childfree will be my reality due to my medical history. Has anyone here gone through the grief of not having a child, acceptance and currently happily married after going through that phase? Just trying to find some hope here. Are there any group in reddit for couples who choose to be childfree and are happy? ( no the childfree sub cause it is quite awful in there)

Feeling particularly alone because one of my irl friends who had primary infertility just gave birth in June. Another friend who had secondary infertility is due in a couple of weeks. I really don't have any other friends, and I don't feel like I can text these two anymore things like "so many cute babies at the grocery store today 😭". I'm realizing this is another part of grief.

I joined a local Facebook group with ladies trying to make friends and I messaged one who posted a while ago that she was struggling with infertility. Turns out she ended up getting pregnant. I messaged another who is ifcf and we went back and forth for a bit but nothing now.

Has anyone found a way to make friends locally? I feel like there are so many moms groups but nothing for people who aren't moms. I am friendly with some ladies in my choir but none of them know my full story.

hier j'ai appris que ma belle sœur est enceinte, mon homme avait peur de me le dire, mais finalement je ne l'ai même pas envié, et je ne l'envie plus du tout !

pour le contexte : elle a deux enfants, deux papas différents, son chéri actuel n'a pas d'enfants, et je sais qu'elle à fait ce troisième enfant pour que son petit ami soit papa, je le sais car je me souviens quand elle a annoncé qu'elle allait faire un autre enfant, elle a regardé son copain et lui a dit "après ca tu me laisse tranquille hein" ! je me suis retenue de répondre "ca se voit que cet enfant va être conçu avec amour (ironie), un enfant doit être désiré des deux parties!"

avec le recul, je ne comprends même pas pourquoi je l'enviais, elle s'est fait avoir par les papas de ses deux premiers, et elle va surement encore se faire avoir, j'ai surtout de la peine pour ses enfants et cet enfant à naitre !

heureusement mon homme ne veut plus la fréquenter et à mis les distances !

Since deciding to be IFChildfree (literally last weekend, so very fresh), I’ve been succumbing to retail therapy which has definitely made me feel a bit better but I know is not sustainable. It also makes me feel guilty because one of the things we’re now excited about is the opportunity to potentially retire earlier so I want to make sure I’m making smart financial decisions.

One of the first things I see mentioned in the IFChildfree spaces is that you now have all of this extra $$ to spend on yourself now that kids aren’t in the picture and that’s certainly true. But, what are some ways you all embrace the childfree lifestyle that don’t involve spending money?

Long-time lurker, and it’s been maybe 2 years or so since we stopped trying. I‘ve been struggling with depression for a while and trying to overcome it. Have been seeing a therapist for years, and started medication about a year ago. I struggled with side effects for months but they finally subsided. however, I don’t feel better, mostly just numb.

The past few months, I have been feeling awful. Tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. Achy and feeling very foggy and forgetful. Can’t focus on reading or even TV. No appetite and forcing myself to eat at least one proper meal a day, but not enjoying it. No desire to go out, socialize, see people, etc. I get teary when people start to talk about their kids or even when I overhear strangers discussing kids. My husband knows how I feel but is at a loss to help me and I feel like I am trying to do all the things, but they are not working at all. More and more, I find myself not caring much about anything. I don’t even recognize the person I’ve become. On top of all this, weight gain (probably from the meds) and gray hair has done a number on my self esteem. I feel so ugly and insignificant as a person.

I hate this so much and not sure how to fix it. Has anyone else had a similar situation?

Hi! First time caller, long time listener.

I’m dealing with some concerning symptoms that set off alarm bells for me and I need to find an ob/gyn quickly to get evaluated. It could be good ole menopause but also, my symptoms do also raise some serious suspicion around cervical cancer, and it does run in my family.

The problem is that this is really my first time post failed IVF treatment that I’ve had to do anything other than a routine pap (which the cell collection was hard enough).

Quite frankly, I’m really scared to lay down on the table, put my feet in those fucking stirrups, scoot my ass down for what seems like fucking forever, stay calm while someone sticks the wand up my vagina and gives it a good whirl, and my deepest fear - cut or scrape anything. I have had a medical procedure where I had to have a sonogram guided treatment in my hip, I nearly lost it on the table seeing the sonogram machine and it brought my body right back into some really hard memories. I can barely track my period and I’d prefer to never hear the word period again or be asked all the questions around if I’m trying (hell no).

While I would love to just come on here and ask for a referral for a gyn in my area (dm me if you are comfortable offering up a referral even though I haven’t specified my location), I also think the more important thing is me asking for help on how my peers get through their own ob/gyn appts.

So, if you have also experienced some serious concerns that required you to schedule an ob/gyn appt, I would love to hear about your experience as I prepare myself and put my big girl pants on.

Some questions on my mind:

What helped you make the appt? How long did it take you to make the appt? What helped you get over that hurdle, and did anything make it harder (your thoughts/actions/outside influences)?

How did you communicate your boundaries and anxieties to the clinic/nurse/provider? How did it go? Was there anything you said that seemed to get your point across?

How did the appt go? What was hard in the moment and what helped you get through it?

How did you cope after? Again - anything that helped you or seemed to prolong any rumination or flashbacks?

I know I can’t know how my experience will go, but I’ve always found it helpful when something feels scary and I’m deep in my head, to remember I’m not alone and other people have been through this too. Last night I had a huge panic attack and I realized I need to ask for help, bc I’m already struggling enough with the anxiety around my symptoms.

Six months after ending our TTC journey and I am struggling daily to find meaning in my life and look into the future with the hope and excitement I used to have. Sex is completely unappealing. Happy families are everywhere and I just feel like an old shriveled up useless nothing.

So, I'm recently married and also dealing with the fact that we won't be parents as our fertility treatment didn't work. I have realised that I don't have alot of hobbies or interests to occupy myself at home. My husband will play games, paint Warhammer, play fantasy football etc. These are not things that interest me.

I am pretty social and love going to gigs, seeing my friends, going out for food / drinks, arty things, going to craft markets etc. I go to the gym a few times a week.

I watch TV and I read a reasonable amount. I need something that keeps me off my phone. Reading is ok but I end up getting sleepy and taking a nap.

I have tried sewing / dress making in the past but I never finish the course or project. It is something I would like to be good at but I just never seem to finish things once they start getting difficult. I'm not particularly crafty or arty despite being a big appreciator of those things.

Can anyone recommend things I could try that aren't going to have a huge learning curve but has a greater chance of me continuing with it?

I feel like I always end up doing housework or napping or getting into a bit of mopey slump on those Sunday afternoons when my husband is happily occupied doing things. I struggle with thr mindset of doing something for pure enjoyment. I always feel like I must be productive. Post fertility treatment, I'm also trying to figure out what a fulfilling life without children looks like.

Any words of wisdom you can offer would be welcomed. Thank you!

After a long battle with endo, infertility, multiple surgeries/hysterectomy, I feel completely disconnected from my body. I want zero intimacy. I don’t want to be touched and cannot fathom the idea of intercourse. I feel so very broken. Has anyone experienced this?

After years of trying for child and failing and now dealing with having to face my third surgery for endo and a hysterectomy at 32 years old I feel like I'm at literal war with a body trying to destroy me. On top of having the near CONSTANT pregnancy announcements. I feel myself slipping into a darker space everyday. .the past couple of weeks there was 4 announcements one being my very close friend of her second child and just this am a colleague of mine shared her news with her supervisor that she's pregnant after her IVF journey (I overheard this) literally broke down in my office.

Infertility is soul sucking. Endometriosis is body destroying.

I know I'm not alone but I feel so isolated.

We tried for a couple of years and now in our early 40s (both are 41), we decided to give up on the long, arduous journey of IVF treatments - the four failed cycles that we went through mentally, emotionally and physically destroyed me. I have been going through waves of massive relief at being child free to a sudden, temporary phase of baby fever to enormous relief again. We’ve stopped trying since almost 6 months now and I’ve stopped tracking my cycle as well, since any kind of hope that I hang onto disappoints me every month.

I have recently realised that the IVF failure has spilled over the rest of my life and insidiously has eaten away at my self confidence. I’ve reduced my private practice massively (I’m a doctor) and feel no wish to get back to the high stakes, extractive work culture anymore... this happened slowly as well, for example I spent the entire month of July mostly dabbling in jigsaw puzzling, birding, reading a lot of classic literature and in general indulging in slow living, apart from minimal patient consults for basic earning.

Of course, my downsizing has had a ripple effect on my family - my parents and my husband think that I’m still reeling under the effects of treatment failures and make me feel like I’m not “living to my potential” since I should have healed already! I’m so sick of living up to my potential! This is something I don’t think they understand but the treatment failures triggered an unpacking of how my life has been parentified a lot and how I’ve been following a set societal and parental script with me ending up being a doctor. Currently, I’m in the phase of annoyance at myself for not individuating from my folks earlier and for allowing my mind and body to be affected by hormones for a child I may or may not have wanted… I don’t even know. It’s been an eye opener and my therapy has been intense.

Today while working out it hit me that maybe what my family has been claiming about me still being affected by the failures is party true (which I’ve been denying) because I don’t think my psyche has accepted that I’m unable to conceive and is instead judging me for being a failure. I’m totally being hard on myself I know but when I try to rest and relax and do things that give me joy, society isn’t allowing me to do so. How much time is enough time to “heal”? I don’t think it can be defined since life has changed forever already.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I’m 4 months after a hysterectomy for advanced endo and adenomyosis. I suffered with debilitating disease for years, underwent multiple surgeries. No organ is left untouched. We did three rounds of IVF, one of which was pretty traumatic due to various reasons. I elected to have a hysterectomy, which has been so great in terms of the physical pain but emotionally, I cannot cope. I get triggered by everything. Pregnant women, babies, children playing. I wake up seeing the child that I was supposed to have. It is brutal. Mg husband does not understand the degree of pain that I feel on a daily basis. I feel like my body is shut down. I have zero interest in intimacy, don’t want to be touched. I don’t know what the point is anymore.

I have a stressful but rewarding job. Endo has impacted my career significantly. I cannot pursue my goals because of my health. So, I don’t have the career that I want, I cannot have a child, I cannot exercise the way that I want to, cannot enjoy my relationship.

I am so bitter and angry. It is all so unfair. I was always the good-girl, followed the path, achieved the diplomas and I was dealt a 12 year battle with anorexia, endo, infertility etc. It is hard to keep going, putting in a happy face, celebrating milestones, hearing stupid comments including.

How do you cope? How do you feel less lonely? How do you trust your body when it has betrayed you so much? How do you not try pissex off when someone thanks their child for choosing them to be their parent?

Everytime I feel semi okay, I get slapped back down with another trigger. First it was nieces both announcing pregnancies. Then I decided it was a good idea to look up an ex best friend on social media who told me literally in her next breath after I told her we stopped trying that they were taking an IUD out and not preventing anymore recently giving birth. I try I really do. I try to see the silver lining. I imagine our retirement in a few years when my father joins my mother in the great beyond and I can fully break away and enjoy our lives, preferably with land and out of state away from the triggers. But no matter what I do or try to psych myself up with, the fact remains. We are barren. This will continue. And there's nothing we can do except try and manage the triggers as they come and work through them. This life is exhausting.

Sex hasn’t been fun in so long. Trying and trying and it not working and timing sex just takes the mood out of it too. I have to have a hysterectomy due to some serious issues and I can’t wait until I’m healed, I hope sex can be fun again. No pressure to make a baby, no worries that I’ll bleed all over… I just pray that I can take some of my life back and enjoy sex again. 12 years of trying, I’m ready for fun again. As I’m rapidly approaching my surgery I’m just grieving this life we dreamed of, and I’m just so hopeful that we flourishing after it’s said and done. I just want to bloom again, and feel something again. I’ve been so angry, and down. I just want happiness, and most of all I just want to heal.

This is just a bit of a vent. I just started a new job that I'm excited about, and I'm making the rounds getting to know everyone and introducing myself to the people I'll work with. There is one other new hire who is going to these intro meetings with me.

Folks are asking and sharing the usual details (where do you live, what's your work background like, etc.) and for some reason the number one thing people want to blab about is their kids. "Oh I have an 8 year old, I have twin teenagers, they're so cute, they're gonna be a doctor when they grow up, they're at such a fun age, I'm pregant with my third one, bla bla bla bla." It doesn't help that my supervisor went on parental leave the day before I started.

No one has asked about my hobbies, interests, spouse, etc. They start talking about their own kids or the other new hire's kid and kind of just ignore me while I sit quietly. The few people who asked about my pets get a bonus point I guess.

Luckily, no one has asked me if I have any kids yet. If anyone does ask I'm about ready to go full "traumatize-them-back" and say "I am unable to have children and dealing with infertility grief."

I’ve been particularly stressed about my upcoming family reunion because my favorite cousin will be idk, 7 months or so pregnant, and as much as I love her and am happy for her blah blah blah, it’s a big trigger for me and my husband.

Fast forward to today and my aunt (her mom) calls. I think she’s calling to apologize for missing my birthday last week. Nope. No mention of that. Instead she’s calling to tell me she’s planning a baby shower for my cousin during our five day reunion, and she’d like me to help plan it. She went on for literally six UNINTERRUPTED minutes about how cousin’s best friend (and baby!) will be coming in, and her MIL and FIL as well. How cousin wants a prenatal massage, so WE’LL have to coordinate that. How cousin will be too far along to fly after the reunion, and who wants to fly to MN for a baby shower in the middle of the winter???

In her fairness, she said if it was “too upsetting” for me to help plan it, she understands. I told her I’d have to think about it and tried to get her off the phone as soon as possible so I could go on with my now ruined evening.

So here we are. I’m angry for the tone deaf nature of her request. I’m sad I can’t be all in on celebrating my favorite cousin. I’m devastated my husband has to navigate both a family reunion that is already… A LOT
and now this reunion-ambushing baby shower. I’m not sure how to get out of it (like, all of it, at this point. Reunion and all), but I also know I’m not strong enough to attend. I don’t go to baby showers. Period.

I’m 100% going to tell her I won’t be planning a shower with her. There are plenty of other women in our family that’d be more than happy to help.

I’m struggling with bailing on everything, or sucking it up. For the first time ever we missed the reunion last year, so now I feel like I NEED to be there this year. Is it compulsory? Of course not. But I’d be letting a whole bunch of family members down if I bailed. My parents are aging and I don’t see them often enough, being across the country from them and all. I want to be there but now I’m dreading it. I don’t know what to do.