I think this has affected me way more than I’m admitting
We tried for a couple of years and now in our early 40s (both are 41), we decided to give up on the long, arduous journey of IVF treatments - the four failed cycles that we went through mentally, emotionally and physically destroyed me. I have been going through waves of massive relief at being child free to a sudden, temporary phase of baby fever to enormous relief again. We’ve stopped trying since almost 6 months now and I’ve stopped tracking my cycle as well, since any kind of hope that I hang onto disappoints me every month.
I have recently realised that the IVF failure has spilled over the rest of my life and insidiously has eaten away at my self confidence. I’ve reduced my private practice massively (I’m a doctor) and feel no wish to get back to the high stakes, extractive work culture anymore... this happened slowly as well, for example I spent the entire month of July mostly dabbling in jigsaw puzzling, birding, reading a lot of classic literature and in general indulging in slow living, apart from minimal patient consults for basic earning.
Of course, my downsizing has had a ripple effect on my family - my parents and my husband think that I’m still reeling under the effects of treatment failures and make me feel like I’m not “living to my potential” since I should have healed already! I’m so sick of living up to my potential! This is something I don’t think they understand but the treatment failures triggered an unpacking of how my life has been parentified a lot and how I’ve been following a set societal and parental script with me ending up being a doctor. Currently, I’m in the phase of annoyance at myself for not individuating from my folks earlier and for allowing my mind and body to be affected by hormones for a child I may or may not have wanted… I don’t even know. It’s been an eye opener and my therapy has been intense.
Today while working out it hit me that maybe what my family has been claiming about me still being affected by the failures is party true (which I’ve been denying) because I don’t think my psyche has accepted that I’m unable to conceive and is instead judging me for being a failure. I’m totally being hard on myself I know but when I try to rest and relax and do things that give me joy, society isn’t allowing me to do so. How much time is enough time to “heal”? I don’t think it can be defined since life has changed forever already.