Psychological pens
I have built a fucking dam in my head that holds back the despised selfishness of attention, praise and hypocrisy. I want to cry from how insignificant I am that I can't hang myself and stop such a fucking existence. I want praise and therefore I try to be correct or responsible, on the one hand I tell myself that I don't give a shit about the opinion of society and others, but I crave this very approval. It's a pointless fuck-up. I'm embarrassed to tell you about it, because I'm afraid of silent contempt, an answer or advice that will sound like "fuck off, relax, don't worry, live easier." And how the fuck is it easier? Sitting in front of a TV and drinking beer and thinking how fucking great we are? Yeah, fuck it, thanks, it's easier to die. I want to be somehow right in my head, to be normal, not to be hypocritical, not to have double standards. But bitch, it turns out exactly the opposite! I want attention, recognition, and comfort not only from my family because I am... I don't know. But at the same time, I don't like it. I just want to be the one."