u/Nice-Zucchini6051

Most of us are already alone, and handle it well.
I have been living alone for 6 years, and I love it. It would be even greater to have a pet, but since I work long hours I don’t have the means to take care of one perfectly right now, so I don’t have one.
People, well, often even therapist just throw at me the advice (without ever asked) “You should learn to be alone. Try a few years with no partner, no friends, no roommates, and no kids. Preferably no kids ever.”

I find this kind of attitude damaging. I know how to be alone, I love living alone. I would be fine living alone until the end of my days. Still, I would love to have friends, I prefer to have a partner (though if my current relationship were to end I don’t see myself dating again because we get on so well, I can’t imagine being this close to an other person again), I prefer to have friends, even if I only see them rarely, and I would love to have children if I could (trauma likely made me infertile, but still hoping).
“Just be isolated until you heal completely” is probably the worst advice I have ever heard on healing from a professional. Noone has ever healed in isolation. Not to mention healing is a slow, million-step process that we do as long as we are alive. There is no such moment of “being perfectly healed” as long as one is alive.

As a child I was taught by my mother to be small, don’t bother anyone, adjust to everyone‘s mood, never complain, never ask for anything, and literally apologise for my existence. My father was very abusive, and this was the only way to safely exist at home. I had to ask permission for basic things like can I drink water, can I eat, can I sit down, because even getting up or sitting down could not “just happen” in his presence.
As an adult, this wrecked me. My ex boyfriend literally thought I must mentally challenged when I started asking things like “Can I drink?” when we first moved together.

Now my mother, the same person who installed these behaviours keeps shaming me when she catches me fawning. Like stop these behaviours, you are annoying the people around. I really want to, I just don’t know how to.

We started dating a little more than 1 year ago with my boyfriend, he never raised his voice at me, was never visibly upset with me, and never even disagreed with me, still I keep apologising even for breathing, and I can’t seem to stop it. Then I worry it upsets him, so I keep apologising even more.

Is it possible to ever unlearn this?

I have had long term ongoing trauma that affected every aspect of my life. I have not had a life before trauma, because I was barely 4 years old when it started. It is finally over now, I live alone, I’m independent, no abusers in sight.
I thought while I was falling from one trauma into an other that if it would just stop for a moment life would be wonderful. If I could get through a day without major issues, if I could know in the morning what to expect by the evening. So basically a slow life with a stable job, no abusers.

Now I have a small rented apartment, a relatively stable, non demanding job, bearable work environment, and no imminent danger. Still, the pain does not stop. Nobody is hurting me, still I feel sometimes in the morning that I want to scream and cry from some invisible, unbearable pain that does not seem to go away. Sometimes it hits me midday that I lost my will to live, and even have passive suicidal thoughts (like not wishing to live past a certain month or year). It feels so odd, almost delusional, that I am finally safe and I feel just burnt out. I’m only 32 years old, but I feel like as if I was old, very old, and there was no point to live on.

Those of you who went through this, how did you climb out from this state?

I have always had difficulties with my father, so recently I have completely cut contact with him. I used to be close with my sister until I noticed how much she just resembles my father in behaviour. I have a long term relationship, and we have recently been trying for a baby despite all odds (I have a severe health issue that affects fertility). I lost my first pregnancy super early, only my bf, mom and sister knew about it. I wanted to keep it secret at work for personal reasons. We haven’t had any luck ever since. The same week when I misscarried my sister announced that she is pregnant. Theirs wasn’t planned, and at first she viewed more as a problem than a blessing. She casually told it to me at work, and she was quite annoyed about it. It affected me badly (the presentation more than the fact itself), and it took me about a week to let go of my grief. We have been all good ever since, she is past the half term by now.
A few days ago I was out with a friend and work colleague of mine and my bf. I was a bit low mooded (unrelated issue) that seemed to annoy my friend and she was quite vocal about it.
On her way home she met my sister by accident, and told her that she was disappointed in me, and my sister inmediately, without even knowing what happened launched a smear campaign. She told her I am a horrible person, who hates her and hates her baby, and I keep blaming her for losing mine early on. My friend was shocked, saying she never knew I was pregnant. My sister then kept quiet about it for days, acting as if nothing happened. So I knew nothing. My friend did gently pressure me about it like “Have you and bf tried for a baby?” I said no, I can’t have any. Then we just grew distant, and haven’t talked for days. Now I know why, she feels I lied to her. I am now afraid that she will confront my bf about it aswell. I promised him I won’t tell it at work. I did not. My sister did.

So now I lost my sister, my friend and I worry I lose my bf over something that was not even my fault.

I am currently healthy, my country is safe, I am financially stable, and nothing is pointing towards an iminent danger. Still I struggle with anxiety attacks regarding safety, and the thought of dying pass through my mind on the daily. Sometimes actively, and sometimes just passively like I should not plan for next day/next month/next year…..

Anything can trigger these thoughts, like my bank offering a new savings account option emphasizing how high the interest is yearly. And I inmediately thought why would I need that, I won’t possibly live enough to see any benefits.

The first time I had this occur I was 4 years old. Right now I‘m 32. In my 20’s I did not expect to ever see my 30’s, and now I just shake my head when people ask me about having to set up retirement plans early enough.

I have never been suicidal, these are not active thoughts about not wanting to live, more like a fear that now that I am in a relatively safe enviroment I won’t get to enjoy it, because either I die or something horrible happens.

It feels all the time like waiting for the other shoe to drop….

My father was emotionally abusive, using sadistic tactics to ensure I would never feel safe. Whenever he noticed that I got a bit relaxed, he flipped. I tried to tell it to my mom, family members, teachers, school friends, but nobody listened. I endured 19 years of horrific mental torture that nobody around me seemed to understand. He did beat me here and there, but not often or severely enough to warrant attention.
My mom used to shame me for being traumatized by something that is “nothing compared to children who are beaten, starved or experience CSA on the daily”. It almost sounded like as she considered severe child abuse the norm, and deemed me lucky for not having to live in that. This combined with my father’s behaviour (it started around the age of 3 for me) completely messed with my brain. I ended up in abusive relationships, and I stayed to long becace “I’m not getting beaten regularly, so it’s not that bad.”
I finally managed to get a stable job, live alone, and have my first healthy relationship and friendships at the age of 31.
I have just recently limited contact with my parents, because I noticed my father still using the same techniques and my mom still saying “He only does it because you are weak. Stop being weak.” did not help at all.
My adulthood was on paper worse than my childhood (I lived through poverty, SA, almost got sold into trafficing), still it felt safer.

Currently I am working through my issues (with the help of my boyfriend and friends, because I had next to no luck with several therapists prior), my anxiety attacks have lessened, so did the existential dread on most days. I noticed if I keep routines (like going to bed and waking up at similar times, giving myself rest on my days off, being outside taking walks, talking enough to people that care, having meaningful hobbies) I do feel better.

I still don’t feel like a fully functional human being, but oddly as it is getting better I am often hit by the feeling that ”If I feel better, the abuse was indeed not that bad.” and start feeling guilty rightaway for “acting traumatised”.

I was never really shouted at or beaten, but my father used very subtle tactics of abuse. It started when I was around 3-4 years old, and could not even process what is happening. When he was angry he liked to keep a neutral expression, gave the silent treatment, or just expressed disgust by leaving the room when I entered, pulling away if I sat next to him on the couch, so making sure I got the notice he hated me. He used to make up stories about what I did, then punish me for these fake wrong doings. One of his favourite tactics was saying I was forgiven, then taking his word back. Sometimes this happened within minutes sometimes within months. Often he did not even tell what I’m getting the punishment for, just saying it will be over once I guess “what I did wrong”. He countined these behaviours until I was 19 and moved away. Noone ever believed me, not my mom, not my teachers or school friends because “Only beating is abuse, and you are not looking like you are getting beaten regularly”.
He did hit me 2-3 times for good measure, but that did not really seem to have scarred me. That was something I understood, but the mindgames I could not put my finger on.

As an adult I had the same thing happen to me in relationships, in friendships, or pretty much any situation that involved close human connection.

This behavior messed up my ability to detect if someone is rightfully angry or playing mindgames, I developed hyperviligance, panic attacks, I fawn all the time, and have severe abadonment issues. I got ghosted in relationships (because I allowed the wrong people into my life), so a part of me just accepted this as “normal”.
Whenever I have the slightest missunderstanding with my boyfriend I expect that he will disappear, act like he does not even know me, pretend I’m a stranger despite the fact that we have been together for over a year and work at the same job, live 10 minutes away from one another.
And he never ever tried to ghost me, so it is not related to him but me.
Still I have this installed as a default setting. Even if he says it is okay, it is all good now, he loves me, my mind just goes 5 minutes later “And now? And now? And 2 hours from now you have still forgiven? You won’t change it the moment you close the door?” (I don’t say this to him of course, it´s just in my head.)

It is installed into me that forgiveness is temporarily, that abandonment and punishment don’t require a reason, that people lie straight faced, and if someone changes their mind 5 times in 5 seconds that’s just how people are and it is my fault that I can’t cope.

I feel unsafe in any kind of human relationship.

I have lived through poverty as a child and young adult, then I had some financial setback a few years ago aswell. I grew up in the 90’s in Eastern Europe, so that is probably a collective financial trauma for many of us.
In the last 2 years I have been doing fine, I have two sources of income (my main job and a side business), and I’m saving regularly.
Initially I decided to just do a 3 month (June-July-August) strict nobuy, meaning no clothes, no make-up, no skincare and haircare, not even replacements. I am happy with my current wardrobe, it lacks nothing. I have enough makeup to last me a year or maybe even two, even if I do a no replacement rule. Most skincare and haircare items would last until the end of the year (I have set it until September because that’s when one runs out).

Initially I was super motivated, did some months of lowbuy (starting February), set a realistic saving goal that I could achieve by September. Then I thought maybe I should do a year, or multiple years of nobuy, that would really make things set for my later years, when my mind went “No.”, and even my plans of just until September started to feel too intimidating to make it.

Realisticly I need nothing. I will probably need next to nothing for years. My side business covers my rent, so all I need to use my income for is groceries, ocassional visits to the haidresser and set aside some pocket money for outings with family and friends.
Despite the fact that I don’t need anything the thought of “I can’t buy non necessities for a year.” triggers some innate fear response in me.

I really want to do a no-buy year, or multiple, because logically it just makes sense, but at the same time every single cell in my brain is fighting against it.

Has anyone experienced similar? How did you overcome it?

Does anyone feel the same or something similar?

I had a traumatic upbringing, then met some real horrible people in my adult life. Both in my private and professional life (school mates, romantic partners, bosses, coworkers and even medical staff).
I’m not trying to say poor me, everyone is evil around me, because I have met some genuinely beautiful souls too. I have a partner, some close friends, and I consider them my chosen family.
I don’t think everyone is out to get me, but more like my traumatic upbringing resulted in poor boundaries, that interfered with my ability to stand up for myself so in situations where I should have protected myself I fawned instead. I also did not know how to weed out people with bad intentions, so I ended up experiencing mental, bodily, sexual and financial harm by people I let close.

My partner knows about my troubled past, on some things I have opened up early on, and he is very protective about me. But some things I just could not make sense of too long (like experiencing SA in a medical setting a few years ago) to be able to coherrently talk about it. Last time it came up and I finally told it (years after it happened) he was very supportive, but I am afraid I hurt him by telling him. Like somehow by telling about it I show him how evil the world can get and the evil becomes more powerful. Like I want to protect him and everyone I love from the things that happened to me, and I feel like by telling it I put them through distress.
So I just suffer in silence.

(This one I had to finally tell because I was avoiding getting a check-up for a medical issue that could get out of hand if not recognized and managed.)