Just turned 42 and starting IVF/ICSI… I can’t stop crying and grieving the lost time
I honestly don’t know if I’m looking for advice, hope, or just somewhere to let this out because I feel like I’m drowning emotionally.
I’ve just turned 42 and we are only now starting IVF/ICSI after years of trying naturally. After my miscarriage a few years ago, I begged my husband to take fertility testing and IVF more seriously, but he truly believed we would eventually get pregnant naturally. For so long I blamed myself, my age, stress, everything… and now we’ve found out he actually has low sperm count too. So natural was never going to work.
What breaks my heart is that we lost years.
I cannot stop thinking: “What if we had done this at 39 or 40?”
Now I feel like I’m racing against time and terrified my eggs are too old. My AMH is 10.2, but at 42 I know egg quality is the biggest factor and that scares me so much.
I’m constantly crying. I wake up in panic attacks. I can’t sit still or calm my mind. Some days I genuinely feel like I’m losing myself from grief and fear. I’m terrified of going through IVF and it not working, terrified of losing my relationship under the pressure, and terrified of ending up alone without the baby we both always wanted.
The hardest part is I know he wants children so badly too, and despite everything, I still love him deeply. I just feel so angry at the lost time and guilty that I didn’t push harder sooner.
Has anyone else started IVF/ICSI at 42 with their own eggs?
How did you cope mentally with the fear and regret?
Did anyone have success after feeling like time had completely run out?
Please be kind. I’m really struggling emotionally right now.