Parenting after rupture
First and foremost I know this is a rant, if it's not allowed I'm sorry, just delete it. I don't know where else to turn.
It's been nearly 11 months since my aneurysm ruptured. My daughter was 18 months old when it happened, she's now nearly two and half. I'm fucking TIRED.
It's embarrassing listening to other parents talking about how they get so much done and are just as tired as I am. I need to nap for minimum one hour a day or I am a zombie, but often I'll drop her off at daycare and come home and just sleep for 4 hours until I need to pick her up again. My house is rarely put together, and when it is my partner and toddler just rip it apart again. I'm not working. I've started an online course to help myself feel productive and give me a starting point to work again but I am struggling SO badly. My short term memory is shot. I never look put together. I've gained 30kg because everything tasted bitter after my aneurysm so I'd add so much sugar to everything (this resolved itself but my weight hasn't). I only weaned my daughter a couple of months ago so I don't know if that's contributing to it, but it's definitely thrown off my hormones and now my hair and eyelashes are falling out. I want to join the gym but I'm already exhausted, and my partner is scared that working out will put me at risk of another aneurysm (I don't think so but it's been an ongoing disagreement).
I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't want my daughter to think of me as lazy or untidy, I wanted to play with her and cook and clean and give her the childhood I never had, but now I feel like at this point she'd be better off if I'd not been so "lucky". I don't know how to get back to how I was before all of this, I know it could take years but my baby won't wait for me, she won't be a baby anymore by then and this version of me will be all she gets until then. I don't know how to cope with any of this, and no one around me does either. How the fuck do I get through this????