u/No-Chemistry-28

Now what on Earth was all this about??? Everything about this movie is bizarre, from the clunky, odd dialogue to the director’s IMDb bio. Very early on in the movie, there is a montage with two of the characters, and the guy is holding a monkey, and the monkey punches him in the eye, and you can tell it wasn’t supposed to happen. It made me laugh out loud. Just…I cannot stress enough that every single beat of this movie is weird. Why are they speaking English in Brazil?? Why are there United States dollars being stolen in not-United States??? Why does the director’s IMDb trivia include a bit about a “Madagascar witch doctor” casting a “dreaded curse” on him???? This one was a real doozy. I can’t explain any of it. Trailer below.

This movie is a great example of why you shouldn’t assume things. You think this is about a black hole? No!!! Well, kind of. It’s more about an electricity alien(?) that wreaks havoc on St. Louis, which I learned is in the Midwest and not the South as I had thought. It’s also about a doctor who is afraid of phone calls, and people who think nuclear bombs are the answer to everything. Oh, and the doctor is played by Judd Nelson, who looks like he’s joined the Counting Crows. Jesus Christ. Trailer below.

This movie is solid proof that if you have colorful lighting and a way to contact Danny Trejo (and somehow Tom Sizemore), you can make a vampire movie. What’s that? “I can make a good vampire movie?” No, sweetheart, I didn’t say that. In what must have cost no more than the price of a diarrhea-inducing Crunchwrap Supreme, this film has all the charm and lighting of a pop-up vape shop, as well as the kind of cutting dialogue that can likely be found there. Oh yeah, everyone is also a vampire except for maybe two people. The plot does not matter at all, and I think this is one of the only times I’ve seen actors not act WITH each other, but AT each other. It’s almost like they’re saying their lines to a pillow wearing a Danny Trejo mask. Trailer below.

I am partially posting about this to rave about Rian Johnson in general and encourage people to watch the Knives Out movies on Netflix (Glass Onion is my favorite), but I also really do like this movie. The plot (set in the future) follows Joe, a hitman who works in black market time travel to perform assassinations. He runs into trouble when his next assignment is a little too close to home. Is this the plot of Timecop? Maybe. But Rian Johnson’s writing is damn good, and instead of Jean-Claude Van Damme, we get the also-hyphenated Joseph Gordon-Levitt. This movie rules, go watch Knives Out, Glass Onion, Wake Up Dead Man, and also watch Brick because that rules too. Trailer below.

Some of Hitchcock’s work feels like a stage play, and this is one of those films. I don’t mean that derisively—quite the opposite. I think he really shines in those films (other examples being Rope and Rear Window), and it’s always so fascinating to watch his plots unfold like magic in one or two sets. This film revolves around a jealous husband who plots to have his wife killed in the “perfect murder”. The details in this are so brilliantly placed, Robert Burks’ cinematography is perfectly claustrophobic, and Hitchcock’s masterful crafting of suspense is in top form here. Trailer below.

One of my best friends is a fella who goes by the moniker Reaper Von Poe. Reaper has muscular dystrophy, and lives in a residential assistance home where he spends most of his days alone in his dark room (per his request) watching movies and playing video games. Reaper is lover of all things horror, morbid, gore, you name it. He has been encouraging me to watch one of his favorite films, Hellraiser, for years, and so, on my most recent visit, he, myself, and my wife did just that. I totally understand his fascination with this film/universe. Body horror is not at all my go-to, but I cannot deny that the practical effects are incredibly well-done. The dialogue and acting can be a little campy, but the lore and the Cenobite characters are fascinating. Watch this one for my buddy Reaper. Trailer below.

I’ve mentioned before how much of a powerhouse year 2007 was for movies, and here is yet another example of that. This is my favorite David Fincher film, and the one that I think about more than any of the others. If you are not familiar with the case of the Zodiac killer, essentially, back in the late 1960s, an unknown serial killer murdered at least five people in the San Francisco Bay Area. This movie chronicles that period of terror, and I won’t go into the details of the case, but if you are at all interested in true crime, this is a must-see. Everything in this movie is near-perfect, from the cast (featuring Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., John Carroll Lynch, Chloe Sevigny, and many more incredible actors), to the writing, to the cinematography, and it’s an excellent thriller to put on when you’re feeling up for something like that. Trailer below.

If you’ve seen Sir Patrick Stewart in anything and thought, “What a lovely man he seems, there’s no possible way he could come off as scary,” watch this movie and stand corrected. Not only is Stewart terrifying in this, the movie itself is so incredibly tense and atmospheric that it really keeps you on the edge of your seat the entire time. The plot revolves around a punk band who get a less-than-ideal gig playing at a Neo-Nazi skinhead bar. While there, they witness something they shouldn’t have seen, and are now fighting for their literal lives to escape. Along with Stewart, this features excellent performances from Imogen Poots, Alia Shawkat, and the late, great Anton Yelchin. Directed by Jeremy Saulnier, who already proved his knack for building tension in the vastly underseen Blue Ruin. Trailer below.

The first in a trilogy of films by Austrian director Ulrich Seidl (the other two “Paradise” films are also currently on Tubi U.S.), Paradise: Love is a difficult movie to watch, and will not be for everyone. The plot revolves around Teresa, a middle-aged woman who travels to Kenya to find and have sex with young men. This “sex tourism” is a very real thing in some African nations, where European women will exploit the financial situations of these young men (and unfortunately, often underage boys) in exchange for sexual services. Lead actress Margarete Tiesel has an extremely demanding role to play here, and Seidl’s use of non-actors for the male roles makes the realism of this film all the more unsettling, but it touches on the nuances of a very important situation. Trailer below.

There was a period of my childhood where I was obsessed with this movie. Directed by, of all people, Nick Castle, (whose name you might recognize as the original Michael Myers), the story follows a recently-discharged Marine who loves to kill, and who now finds himself in charge of a group of misfit junior recruits. His job is to shape them into a structured Corps, but his tactics are, shall we say, not suitable for children. I miss movies like this, where a tough adult gets in over their head with a group of rambunctious kids. They’re not groundbreaking works of art, but they are fun, especially when you get a comedic talent like Damon Wayans delivering some iconic lines. Trailer below.

I don’t know if it was my phone or my ears or the movie, but this was loud as fuck. I felt like it was attacking me from moment one. Anyway, I get what they were going for here, and I even kinda like parts of how they did it, but I can only take so much obvious green screen. This was very silly, and they knew that, but still. Then again, what did I expect with a title like that? Trailer below.

Welp, I did it. I found my limit. I tried, guys—I really did. I should’ve known we were fucked when I saw Heidi Montag’s dumb name in the credits, but nope, still tried. Got 11 minutes and 53 seconds in, and I tapped out. At least with things like Birdemic, it’s so off-the-wall that it’s interesting. At least with things like The Incredible Bulk, it has to be seen to be believed. This movie has zero redeeming qualities. Zero. From what I dug up, this is actually a re-edited version of a movie from 2020 called “Assassin 33 A.D.”, so if for some reason you’ve already watched that, please don’t put yourself through it again. In fact, don’t put yourself through it a first time. Consider this a warning. If you do decide to defy me and watch this, I still apologize, because you don’t deserve that. If you make it all the way through, I think you qualify for some kind of benefits package. Not from me, though. Oh, and all the “awards” that this movie starts with? Didn’t happen. None of them can be confirmed whatsoever. No pun intended, but Jesus Kevin Christ. Trailer below.

I got an ad during this about Amazon AI being able to diagnose if you have gout, and I don’t think that has anything to do with the movie, but it felt worth mentioning. Anyway, I unironically love the aesthetic of this. Corporate tech greasy-haired executives and espionage and cyber shit—it’s oddly comforting. That’s where things start to go south, though. We’ve got a minor league Baldwin at the plate just absolutely striking out, over-the-top corny dialogue and action (that is very often hilariously bad), and a plot that would simply never happen. The fact that this came out in 1999 and not 1989 almost makes no sense until you see the one guy’s goatee, and then you’re like “oh yeah I remember that fuckin look”. Trailer below.

If you haven’t yet gone down the BC Fourteen rabbit hole, this is your fair warning that doing so may have irreversible side effects. Right now, some of you are probably saying things like “what is BC Fourteen?” or “I already have irreversible problems” or “NoChem, you so funny”. Other points aside, BC Fourteen is the pseudonym of a filmmaker who also makes his family use the last name “Fourteen” for some reason, which seems like cult behavior, but I do not know these folks. I would typically say that, being 2026, this is his latest release, but he has already put out six movies this year somehow, so here we fuckin go. These feel like AI, but after some research (aka reading another Reddit post), it would appear they are not, which is infinitely more baffling. I cannot imagine what this person’s life is like, but it feels strange. Most of his movies have some variation of “Mega”, “Vs.”, “Bigfoot”, or (sigh) “Trump”. This is one of the many animated ones, and much like the others, it makes absolutely no sense. Just a jumble of characters talking about sharks and water and shit. This should’ve been a video game. Trailer below.

A wise man (me—I’m saying this) once said, “If you aren’t going to be able to use real fire/explosions in your movie, maybe don’t use them at all.” This movie says, “To hell with all that, we’ve got a graphics person who will make our shit look not good at all.” To its credit though, the fire here is just as convincing of a performer as the actors in the movie, so they’re at least on the same level. A lot of the scenes are shot like a medicine commercial, which is very strange. The majority of things that happen in the movie vis-a-vis decision-making are so dumb, but mainly, if your building is on fire, TAKE THE STAIRS. There are physical signs in every multi-level building that say this! Also, and this is a minor thing, the director has the only profile I’ve ever seen written in present tense, and that was very funny to me. Trailer below for this ridiculous movie.

It’s no secret that Stanley Kubrick was a great filmmaker. His movies are technical marvels, creating some of the most influential and memorable cinematic experiences in film history. He worked in a variety of genres, from sci-fi to horror to war, and in the latter, he made 1 2/3rds great films. Paths of Glory is a masterpiece by all definition, and the first 2 acts of Full Metal Jacket are also great, but boy, that last act is just…inconsistent. The story follows a young, bright-eyed U.S. Marine (Matthew Modine) as he enters boot camp and subsequently the Vietnam War. We watch as his optimism and innocence, as well as the resolve of his fellow soldiers, get broken by the brutality of military service. The message and depictions are incredibly powerful, but the structure loses steam in the final act, only because the natural flow of the story seems to divert into a different tone. If the whole movie were of that same tone, it would be fine, but it does feel clunky, which is a rare misstep for the perfectionist Kubrick. This is still a very good movie worth viewing, as are all of Kubrick’s films. The Criterion Collection recently announce a full Kubrick box set, so if you have the means, that would be an incredible piece of physical media to own. Trailer below.

A very strong contender for my favorite comedy movie of all time, this movie was formative for me. It shaped my sense of humor at an early age, and began my Jim Carrey obsession that lasted for the following decade or so. The (oddly complicated) plot revolves around two friends who have maybe one brain cell between them traveling across the country to return a briefcase left by a lady in an airport. Daniels and Carrey as the bumbling Harry and Lloyd are ridiculously funny, with a blend of physical comedy, situational humor, and misunderstandings. It hold up, too, 32 years later. Catch it before it’s gone (and don’t bother with any of the sequels/prequels)! Trailer below.