u/No-Chemistry-28

Yeah, this title adds up, because I almost Shattered my pants at how bad it was. There’s a scene in this where someone gets shot in the head, and the close-up of the aftermath literally looks like they just smashed a blackberry on the actor’s forehead for the effect. Aside from that, this movie is perfect. No, not really—that’s what we call “sarcasm”, kids. Oh boy, where to start? The phrase “word salad” best describes this script, as people just seem to be saying things. Then, the acting levels are all over the place—some people are straight up yelling their lines, some people might as well be asleep, and everyone seems mentally unwell. What a fun time. No trailer, but I’ll link the movie since there’s 700 fucking billion movies named “Shattered”.

I laughed so much at this nonsense movie, and not because it’s a comedy, but because it’s a massive eye-roll in movie form. It’s one of the most 2010-looking movies I’ve ever seen, and I’m not going to spoil the twist(?), because the trailer does that for us. Also, these girls are supposed to be seniors in high school, but some of their classmates look 14 and some look 26, so I often thought they were either in college or maybe some sort of mixed-education group. If you wished The Parent Trap were dumber and dipped into mythology and also talked a LOT about Shakespeare, well, here you go. Trailer below.

I really try not to comment on people’s appearance in these reviews—positive or negative. It really contributes nothing, in my opinion, to the movie, and it can come across as mean (if negative) or creepy (if positive). That being said, what is up with the main guy’s fucking face? He looks allergic, just in general. It’s crazy. It will come as no surprise that this man, Paul Sampson, also wrote, directed, produced, and did a whole bunch of other shit to this ~~vanity project~~ movie. Udo Kier is in this goddamn thing. Norman Reedus, too—surely the Walking Dead checks were coming in by this point, right?? What the fuck, guys?? In all seriousness, Paul Sampson is someone who for sure regularly Googles himself, so I will say to you, sir, this movie is actually solid on a lot of aspects, and I genuinely love the concept of a knight-ghost haunting people. I didn’t mean the thing I said earlier in a mean way, more like in a fun way. I’m bald. I look like an adult baby. It’s fun. We’re having fun. Trailer below.

This is, as the proverbs would say, my cup of tea. Absurdism—real, dedicated, profound, original absurdism—fuels me in a way that nothing else does. I think the mistake people often make with this kind of thing is that they don’t know how to package it. The ideas and intent might be there, but the container in which it resides is not. This film has a very stylish container that suits its needs. If nothing I’ve said thus far makes any sense, that’s totally fine. Things like this won’t be for everyone, but those who are on board will likely love it. Also, Ana Fabrega and Stavros Halkias are both in this, and they’re just wonderful. Trailer below.

I watched the SHIT out of this when I was a kid, and it began my obsession with Jim Carrey movies (The Cable Guy ended it, but that’s another story). I’ve always said that Jim Carrey is essentially a living cartoon character, and this is perhaps never truer than here in The Mask. Based on the comic of the same name, this film follows lovable loser Stanley Ipkiss (Carrey), a man who cannot seem to catch a break. His luck changes when he stumbles upon an ancient wooden mask that, when he puts it over his face, turns him into a green-faced, yellow suit-clad tornado of a being that exudes just as much confidence as he does chaos. This alter ego is full of superpowers straight out of Looney Tunes, and can seemingly do anything—shapeshift, dodge bullets, speed from place to place, etc.—much to the dismay of his enemies. The film is a wild snapshot of an era of film where studios took risks on things that were categorically insane, and they actually paid off. Fun fact: I still own my original copy of this on VHS. Trailer below.

From the director of such hits as Jack and Megalopolis comes a silly little war movie that…wait, maybe I’ve approached this wrong. In all seriousness, Francis Ford Coppola was seemingly unstoppable in the 70s, and this arguably not even being the definitive best of his work from that decade is an insane testament to that. The story, set during the Vietnam War, follows a U.S. Army Captain who is sent on an unofficial mission to find a Colonel who has gone rogue behind enemy lines, and assassinate him. The mission sends the Captain and his ragtag crew into deadly territory, and their mission becomes more and more complicated and dangerous as it goes on. The performances here are incredible, the music is epic, and they blew up a real goddamn jungle for the opening, so at least watch it so that wasn’t in vain. Trailer below.

To see the visual medium of film utilized in the way it is here—a symphony of colors and movements—is to understand why movies have meant so much to so many for so long. This is quite literally a breathtaking film; every shot looks like it was painted with intricate detail, every action is more dazzling than any circus, and not a second of runtime is wasted. The story driving the film involves a warrior who steals a valuable sword, landing herself on the run and entangled with a mysterious man she meets along the way. This film notably brought the “wuxia” style of filmmaking to international attention, with much of the high-flying action being done practically (with wires, of course) rather than using CGI. It is an absolute masterpiece that transcends genre and is a triumph of filmmaking. Trailer below.

Some movies just feel magical, and Edward Scissorhands—for me, at least—has always been one of those movies. When I was younger, it scared me—the image of Depp’s pale, scar-riddled titular character was unfamiliar, haunting, and looked dangerous. When I actually watched the movie, however, I realized that the entire lesson was to not judge a book by its cover. The story follows Edward, the creation of an inventor who is isolated to a dark castle on top of a hill, as he finds his way into a cookie-cutter suburban world that is the complete opposite of his own. This is a classic for a reason, and deserves to be seen by all. Trailer below.

I love that Dean Cain is very much in this movie, yet appears nowhere on the IMDb page. Everyone in here for sure uses the “hard R”, and that applies whatever context you think I mean it. Sigh. This was cosmically awful, and by that, I mean that there is not even a parallel universe where this is a good movie. It’s more preachy and heavy-handed than Muhammad Ali reading the Bible. I feel bad for the kids in it. I feel bad for anyone who doesn’t heed this warning and watches it. I feel bad for America. Trailer below.

The plot of this actually kind of rules—the wives of three undercover officers that were murdered by an evil mob boss set out to get revenge. However, with a budget of maybe $6 and some change, this is an SOV (shot-on-video, for those of you not in the know), low-quality effort with a script that mainly focuses on how much mafiosos like getting blown. Don’t be fooled, though—for those of you who watch these kinds of things to get your jimmies rattled, there is no nudity shown or anything like that. The most that happens is a scene with a fully-clothed man thrusting into a fully-clothed woman in front of two other fully-clothed men, which was very uncomfortable, and ends even worse. If you like trashy SOV movies that try to evoke Russ Meyer vibes but fail, this one’s for you. Trailer below.

Alfred Hitchcock is one of those directors who has so many great films that some of them get overshadowed. Everyone knows Psycho, The Birds, Vertigo, and Rear Window, but there is so much more to explore. This film in particular got a more recent bump in attention due to a remake (which I have no interest in seeing), so hopefully that means more people will seek out the original. Farley Granger is wickedly good here as a man who tries to convince a stranger he meets (yes, on a train) that they could get away with murdering the other’s most hated person. Hitchcock was, of course, the master of suspense, but he was also the master of taking a seemingly ridiculous idea and making it incredibly believable. This film also features one of my favorite sequences in all of his filmography, the famous carnival scenes. Cannot recommend this one enough. Trailer below.

Oh boy, here we go. There’s just this certain joy I get when absolute nonsense is delivered with such earnestness. Think of things like The Room and Birdemic, where the filmmakers really thought they were making a statement and doing killer work, but the entire thing was absurd to everyone else. That’s what this was, and I loved every second of it. People had constant dialogue and responses to things that made me laugh so hard. I’m also obsessed with the background details, like the insane amount of kitchen knives that are hanging on the wall in one shot, and are never spoken about or anything. The plot is never on the rails, but it REALLY takes a dive in the last 10 minutes. Nothing makes sense, the plot points do not add up, the dialogue and acting is so bad that every line might as well be taken from different, unrelated scenes altogether—it’s just wonderful. This is one of those things I could talk about for hours. Trailer below.

TW: Animal violence, extremely dark/harrowing content, sexual content

The late Kim Ki-Duk made one of the most beautiful movies I’ve ever seen, the masterpiece Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring (unfortunately not on Tubi). He also made some incredibly difficult films, and this is one of them. This is not something you put on to have a pleasant movie experience. Roger Ebert compared its gruesome poeticism to the Marquis de Sade, and I think that’s fair. This is the work of a bold visionary, telling the story of a mute woman who works in a fishing resort and makes herself available to the lonely men who visit. Through this, she develops many complicated relationships. Again, this one is not for everyone—it is a very hard watch, but it’s powerful in its execution. Trailer below.

The worst part of this movie is that the kids here are actually halfway-decent actors, but this script/story/etc. is complete ass. The writer/director put at least three of his children in this—one of whom has an actual acting career, and I imagine is how this was able to get made at all, and how they got Mary Lynn Rajskub and Dom DeLuise’s son involved. Speaking of the DeLuise offspring, he plays the dad in the story-within-the-story, and it is very clear that he gets work specifically because of his last name. Based on his performance I don’t think he’s ever seen anyone cry before, and was just guessing. Also, what was all the shit with the aliens that bookended this movie?? Really weird story, and I feel bad for the kids in this, because they did the best they could, and their friends still probably gave them hell for being in this turd. Trailer below.

I’ve never had any formal schooling on film, and I don’t claim to be an expert, but I’ve studied moviemaking and the history of cinema pretty extensively on my own, and I feel confident in saying that if you want to get the best look at the innovation and magic of the early days of cinema, look no further than this film. For me, this tops Eisenstein, Murnau, Lang, and even Melies in terms of a film that laid substantial groundwork in terms of stretching the possibilities of what cinema had to offer. There are techniques created in this film that still feel fresh today, and this is back when we didn’t have computers or advancements in technology to assist with these effects. I watched this a few years ago, and I remember being blown away at what they were able to accomplish. It reminded me of my first time seeing 2001: A Space Odyessy, a film from 1968 that left me constantly having to remind myself that it wasn’t actually being filmed in space. Watch this movie. Learn from it. Fall in love with cinema all over again because of it. Trailer below.

This is, I don’t know, my new favorite movie of all time? I’m flabbergasted. It’s unintentionally the funniest goddamn movie I’ve ever seen, and it made me believe that aliens are real and here on Earth, because there is no way human beings made this. Movies like this are why we’re all here in this weird little community on the internet. I’m obsessed with the main actress, and I’m nominating her for an Oscar even though this came out 13 years ago. Everyone’s line-readings are insane, but hers are next-level. She calls someone a “bee-yotch” at one point, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever witnessed. I really hope I’m not overselling this, but holy shit, guys. Trailer below.

Generally speaking, I’m not a big fan of anthologies. It’s difficult for me to watch several short stories with different characters and plots in a row. I like the buildup and time it takes to get involved. There are exceptions, though, and this is one of them. This movie is excellent, and each of its six segments are, well, wild. The film came about when the director had a bunch of different ideas for movies, but knew he couldn’t make all of them into feature-length films. The result are six wickedly funny, brilliantly-told tales of people in extreme situations, and one of the best Argentinian films I’ve seen. Trailer below.

I guess if a slasher film with Steamboat Willie (aka Mickey Mouse) had to be made, this is the best we were going to get? In a film categorized as “mouseploitation”, this one is absolutely ridiculous in theory, but is genuinely surprisingly effective in its execution. It’s good for what it is, is what I’m trying to say, and what it is just happens to be a tongue-in-cheek, pretty clever slasher featuring, again, a villainous Steamboat Willie. Some of the kills are original (I’ve never seen anyone get stabbed through the head with a Statue of Liberty torch before), the acting is B-movie level, and it was fun seeing a notoriously benevolent character get such an insane reworking. Trailer below.

[TW: Sexual abuse]

Good news/(kinda) bad news time: The good news is that there are a TON of Pedro Almodovar movies now on Tubi. The bad news—at least for myself and people like me—is that the majority of them are in their original Spanish with no English subtitles. My favorite Almodovar is one of those—Volver is what I would’ve liked to have posted, but still absolutely see that movie if you get the chance. Instead, I chose this, still very much an Almodovar film, but unquestionably the more difficult of the two. If you’ve never experienced his work, it is full of passion, memories, vibrant color, and unflinchingly explicit visual imagery. Some of his work—this film included—bears the notorious NC-17 rating, which means (especially in this case) PLEASE check content warnings before watching. That being said, this film, much like the rest of his body of work, is full of Spanish cultural intensity and melodrama, done with such technical mastery that it truly is a gift to witness. This film involves two friends who reconnect in adulthood and flash back to their shared memories of religious school and the sexual encounters that shaped them. It is very uncomfortable subject matter that is depicted, but an important story to be told. Almodovar himself is not without controversy. He has openly expressed support for Roman Polanski, and was listed among the names in the Panama Papers, which has negatively impacted his more recent career. This film, and many of his works, are artistic masterpieces, but it is completely understandable if you choose not to watch them after learning about him. Trailer below.