Leaving Philly to go back to hometown
I'm (26m) facing a dilemma on whether or not I should remain in Philadelphia or go back home to Asheville, NC. Either one sounds like a potential lose / lose. I've already left Philadelphia once because I was having a hard time acclimating, moved back home after nine months (where I felt at peace) and moved back because of a girl I started seeing. I'm no longer seeing her.
It is now my seventh month here this second time around. I found a decent job doing documentary work which is now over as of a month ago, established myself in many different communities, have friends and heaps of things to do at all times and have a very cheap place to live with a good roommate. Despite all of the good things I've got going for me, I still want to live in a small town rural area, working in the woods and building homes.
It didn't occur to me how much anxiety I had become accustomed to, living in the city, until I left for the month of July to go work in Vermont with an old friend of mine who was building a home for his buddy in rural Vermont. I felt completely at ease once I became immersed in that environment once again—working all day in the woods, getting off of work to go fishing and swimming, driving my truck around, shooting guns, campfires, etc.
Now I'm back in Philadelphia, applying to different jobs, afraid to commit to anything because deep in my gut, I want to go back to my old life. I would feel almost like a failure to up and leave this place once again, especially now that I've got good social and job prospects. I'm deeply afraid to regret my decision once it's been made. I wish I could live both places at once. I've been ruminating on this decision for a week now. Acute anxiety, almost—my face has been twitching and heart running like never before. I can't enjoy hanging out with friends or other activities because this dilemma has consumed me. I wish there were some sort of middle ground, or live in both places at once. I'm afraid that either decision is the wrong one. Because Philadelphia really is the most beautiful and diverse city I've ever had the privilege of living in.