My body is failing me at 40, I lost my only coping mechanisms, and I just need someone to acknowledge how hard this is.
I am 40 years old, but recently I feel like I woke up in the body of an 80-year-old. I just need to put this out into the universe because the people around me keep telling me 'you'll get used to it' or 'it’s not that bad.' It feels incredibly dismissive and it makes me feel so isolated.
My quality of life has completely plummeted.
A bit of background. I have been dealing with severe mental health struggles for years, including Major Depressive Disorder, dysthymia, severe ADHD, and social anxiety. Because of this, I haven't been able to work for several years. I live alone, and my home and my hobbies were my only survival mechanisms. Coding, gaming, working on my oil paintings, and painting miniatures were the only places where I could quiet my ADHD brain and escape. They were my lifeline.
The nightmare started when my vision blurred slightly. An eye doctor told me I had early-stage cataracts. Around the same time, my feet began burning and tingling at night, I was constantly exhausted, and my teeth suddenly started deteriorating rapidly. Because of a severe needle phobia, I hadn’t done blood work in years. That was a mistake I am now paying for heavily. Every single one of these symptoms began worsening at an alarming rate.
It turned out to be diabetes. I fought back hard and managed to drop my A1C from a dangerous 10.93 down to 6.6. But even with that win, the physical toll has been brutal. I now suffer from neuropathy and chronic leg ulcers that make it hard to move around, meaning endless doctor appointments that trigger my social anxiety to the max. My skin has also given up. Every tiny nick on my legs turns into a permanent scar that never fades.
The breaking point happened recently with cataract surgery in both eyes. I am now trapped in a living hell of trying to adjust to losing my natural dynamic focus. The surgeon completely downplayed it, casually mentioning I 'might need reading glasses.' He failed to warn me that this surgery physically strips away your eyes' ability to focus on anything up close without artificial help. Because my hobbies require precision at multiple close distances and a full field of vision, multifocal glasses are useless to me. Right now, I am stuck using temporary plastic glasses. Whenever I am awake, I try to force myself to do basic things around the house like cooking or attempting my hobbies. But after just a few minutes, the glasses trigger a pounding headache and I am forced to stop.
Living alone, I feel my communication channels with the outside world shrinking to nothing. In recent months, my mobility was already ruined by my legs and the cataracts. Now, post-surgery, I am completely buried inside my house. Even my final source of comfort, just looking down at my cats when they sit on my lap, is gone. They just turn into a blurry smudge.
I’m not looking for toxic positivity or quick fixes. I just want someone to look at this whole picture and acknowledge how brutally hard this is. I am not giving up, but the exhaustion of losing my safe spaces is just overwhelming right now, and I really needed to feel heard.