I may have gone too far/WARNING
This post will have a lot triggering content so dont read if you’re easily triggered. I used to read regret/relapse posts that triggered me so just back out of the post now if you are easily triggered. I wish I could tell this story in a less explicit way but I need to let everything off my chest. It’s a long read so if you want to get to the point then read the last 3 sections.
I knew since I was a kid that I was bisexual. I’m only interested in women romantically and I do find them sexually attractive but I find specific kinds of men far more attractive sexually. I was bullied a lot growing up for my looks, mostly by women, so I feel more comfortable around men. As early as elementary school I remember masturbating to gay porn and then moving on to gay furry porn. I would still watch heterosexual porn occasionally but it was usually dominant women/bisexual/cuckolding/femdom porn. It’s like it’s hard for me to watch regular porn between a man and women because it’s hard for me to imagine me having sex with a woman who likes and respects me.
Then in middle school I started using chat rooms where I knew older men would be at. I would tell them my age and what city I lived in. They would offer to get me but luckily my anxiety always let me disengage and then nothing happen. Early on in HS I bought women’s clothing and different kinds of sex toys. I’d flirt with men on kik. Later on in HS I discovered dirtyroulette. Id spend hours showing myself off and masturbating with everyone(mostly men but also women.) I have ADHD and Autism so I was addicted to this loop.
Two years after Covid I started to take my pornography addiction seriously. I’d go 2-6 days without looking at any sexual content and then binge relapse for 2-4 days. Nofap was a gamechanger for me. Life felt less dull, I felt less awkward, I had energy, I could focus far better on studying/work (I flunked out of so many good opportunities educational wise because of my hypersexuality, I would have a college degree, went to a top tier priviate school and many certifications if I had better focus) it was like Nofap was life or death for me. During these times I was less extreme with my porn habits but I’d still relapse on vidchatting websites.
Around January this year I ended up leaving my job and I had too much free time. The longer I was off the more degenerate my habits became. For the first time ever I posted a nude of me with my face in it and it felt incredibly freeing and exciting to not have to hide a secret that I’ve been holding in for most of my life.
(Now for the point of why I made this post) last week I attended a Korean spa. I’ve been attending this spa for over 5 years. A lot of people come here to cruise but I’ve never done anything with anyone in real life for all of these years. I will admit that I liked to take glances and seeing people stare at me but that’s it.
However when I attended last Thursday this guy basically came on to me and started touching me. I reciprocated. When I got home and prayed I felt a very weird disconnect, it was like something was robbed for me. I’m telling you, if you’ve never done anything in person, do not start, it will change something in you.
It was like something changed in me. I tried using porn but the memories of me actually touching someone was stuck in my head. I ended up going back to this spot three times this week and touched men every time.
Two days ago I took it a step further. Some guy basically went down on me for a second without even asking me and then I reciprocated for a few seconds. I then got extremely scared of the possibility of contracting HIV/STDs and left. I spent over 8 hours looking at every single page related to oral sex and getting hiv. I know the chances are astronomically low but I tend to think in extremes. I also feel so disconnected spiritually, before when relapsing I felt guilt and compelled to pray but now I just don’t care about anything. Before I could cope with everything I was watching and doing because it was all virtual but now it’s real. If I ever did get married to a girl then I’d have to admit everything and I don’t want to. I am also still scared about getting HIV(as irrational as it is.)
The worse apart is despite this I want to go back and still do more things. Luckily my anxiety is in overdrive but I’m not sure how I’ll feel in a week or so. I feel spiritually dead. How do I come back from this?