AITAH for wanting a face to face apology from my partners family for how they have been treating me?
I’m going to apologise in advance because this may be a long one.
Earlier this year, my partner (29M) and I (26F) moved from a rented property into a house we had just bought together. During the move, my partner’s stepdad (late 40s/early 50s) offered to drive the moving van for us. I was hesitant about this for a few reasons:
- He has no experience driving vans.
- Our old house could only be accessed through a very tight archway that even experienced van drivers struggled with.
- We would have had to hire a van from somewhere like Enterprise, and I worried that if he damaged it, he would blame my partner and me for any fees or damages.
Because of this, I said to my partner, “Is that a good idea?”
My partner agreed with me, but then immediately repeated what I said to his stepdad. This upset him badly. I wasn’t there when the conversation happened, but my partner was at work in a shop at the time, along with his mum, nan, and several colleagues.
His stepdad started effing and blinding, calling me a “fcking btch.” My partner told him off and said it was unacceptable, especially in front of his female colleagues. Instead of backing my partner up, his mum and nan laughed at what his stepdad was saying, which only encouraged him further.
My partner was mortified because he was worried a complaint would be made against him at work due to his stepdad’s behaviour and language. Even though my partner repeatedly tried to calm things down, his stepdad continued swearing and insulting me.
When I found out what had happened, I was extremely upset. I genuinely hadn’t meant to hurt or offend anyone. I had simply pointed out practical concerns. The only explanation I can think of is that he took it as an attack on his masculinity.
After this incident, I told my partner I believed his stepdad had issues with women in general. Part of the reason I think this is because of how he previously spoke about his nephew’s girlfriend after she had a traumatic premature birth. She understandably didn’t want lots of visitors while recovering, and his stepdad responded by calling her controlling and a “fcking btch.”
My partner later called his family, mainly his stepdad, and told him that speaking about me like that was unacceptable and that I deserved an apology. His stepdad refused, claiming I had been “slgging off his driving.”
Since then, things have become increasingly uncomfortable. His stepdad refuses to come to our house if I’m there and will sit in the car instead. At one point, my partner’s mum even asked him to get me to leave the house so his stepdad could visit. We both refused because I also own the house and pay the mortgage.
During the week of the move, his family came to see the new house while I was briefly at the old property cleaning. When I returned, I tried to be polite and said hello to his mum, nan, and stepdad. All three ignored me, and his stepdad immediately went to sit in the car.
While they were there, his mum and nan gave my partner cards. His nan’s card was addressed to both of us, but his mum’s card was addressed only to him. I noticed instantly and had to excuse myself so I could cry privately. I ended up calling my own mum because I felt so hurt and excluded.
When I later pointed this out to my partner, he initially thought I was overthinking it and said she had also bought us gardening equipment as a housewarming gift. However, his mum later admitted she had deliberately excluded me from the card because she was unhappy with me over the comments about her husbands driving, even though I did not saying anything bad about his driving.
At that point, for my own mental health, I distanced myself from his family and blocked them on social media. Part of this was also because his mum had been sending me fertility-related posts after I suffered a missed miscarriage. I found this upsetting and invasive, especially because it felt like she was implying I was the one with fertility problems. Doctors had actually confirmed I could conceive, while there were potential concerns on my partner’s side due to his own medical history. Despite this, she only ever sent those things to me, never to him. I politely asked my partner to ask her to stop sending me them however he said it would upset her and I should ignore it, making me feel like my feelings were invalid.
Weeks later, my partner started encouraging me to reconcile with his family, but I declined because the stress was becoming too much. I’ve struggled with an ED in the past during periods of high stress, and this whole situation was bringing back unhealthy memories and feelings.
Then, around a month ago, my partner suggested we move our wedding forward to this September because he wanted his nan, who is in her late 80s, to see him get married. I was worried we were rushing financially, but eventually agreed.
My family were incredibly supportive and even contributed a large amount of money towards the wedding. His family, however, reacted very differently.
His stepdad outright refused to attend because I would be there. His mum seemed uninterested and unenthusiastic, although she eventually offered to help with decorations. His nan was somewhat supportive and contributed financially, although throughout our relationship she had often told my partner to leave me.
Eventually, his stepdad only agreed to attend after his own mum told him he needed to stop behaving like this.
Things became even more complicated when we announced we were having a child-free wedding. The only child attending would be my 3-year-old niece, who is our flower girl and would be collected later in the day.
My partner’s family were furious because he has several younger step-siblings aged between 8 and 21. We said the 21-year-old was welcome because our rule was that guests needed to be old enough to legally drink alcohol. His mum repeatedly pushed for us to invite his 14-year-old stepbrother, but my partner stood firm.
Then his mum and stepdad demanded we invite one of the stepdad’s aunts, despite neither of us ever having met her. After a lot of pressure, my partner reluctantly agreed to give her the 21-year-old stepbrother’s place since he no longer wanted to attend anyway. A few days later, the aunt declined the invitation, meaning all the drama had been for nothing.
Throughout the wedding planning, my partner kept asking me to include his mum. He even told me she expected to be invited to my hen do because she had never been to one before. I explained I wasn’t comfortable with that and that it wouldn’t really suit her, especially since my sister was planning a messy night away. In the end, his mum declined anyway once she found out we’d be staying overnight in another city with mostly younger women (early 20s) attending.
I still tried to make an effort by inviting his mum and nan dress shopping with my own mum, sister, niece, and granny. They initially agreed but cancelled the day before because they had another event that evening and “didn’t want to rush around” which I fully understood and at least tried to build bridges.
Last week, things escalated again.
One of my partner’s former colleagues contacted him to say his mum and stepdad had been gossiping about us to a manager at his old workplace. Apparently, they claimed I had forced him to move 40 minutes away, trapped him there, and pressured him into marriage. None of this is true. My partner wanted to move because he had been living in a run-down flat in a rough area with few opportunities.
Another colleague later confirmed hearing similar comments from them, despite his mum and stepdad denying they had even been in the shop that day. Ironically, his nan later accidentally confirmed they had been there.
Because of all this, my partner and I decided his stepdad would no longer sit at the top table during the wedding breakfast and speeches due to his attitude and constant disrespect to me. Instead, his nan would sit there because she largely raised him, while his stepdad has only been in his life for around five years.
When my partner told his stepdad this, he immediately replied, “Your mum won’t be happy about this.”
Sure enough, his mum then demanded she also be removed from the top table, saying my partner had upset her husband. My partner explained that if they apologised to me, he would reconsider. His stepdad refused and again claimed I should apologise to him for “slgging off his driving.”
His mum and nan then threatened not to attend the wedding at all, which devastated my partner to the point he considered cancelling it entirely.
At that stage, I unblocked his mum and messaged her directly explaining that their behaviour was deeply hurting her son. My family, meanwhile, have remained supportive throughout everything and encouraged us to stop engaging with his family for a while so tensions could settle.
Eventually, his mum sent a half-hearted apology to my partner saying she was “sorry if” she upset me but claimed she didn’t understand what she had done wrong. I told my partner I wanted a genuine face-to-face apology because a text apology felt meaningless after everything that had happened.
Both she and his stepdad refused to meet in person. Instead, they said they would attend the wedding but would “give me a wide berth.”
At this point, I honestly feel hated and unwelcome by them. My partner is heartbroken because he says his mum was never like this when he was younger and that she changed after marrying his stepdad. Unfortunately, all I’ve ever known is this version of her.
Edit: Since writing this post my partner’s told me that his stepdads being telling my partners mum and Nan that I said they are not allowed to drink alcohol at the wedding which my partner knows is a blatant lie. I haven’t spoken to this man since Dec/Jan this year but I’m now starting to believe he is obsessed with me or at least some sort of drama as he can’t seem to keep my name out of his mouth and I feel embarrassed for him for it.