Feeling Like I’m Giving Everything
This is more of a rant than anything, but I’m also open to advice!
I’ve (28F) been with my partner (28M) for the past almost 3 years while he’s been in med school - he’s in his 4th year now. We met when he had already started, and he’s been set on a very competitive specialty since before we met. I work a job that doesn’t pay a ton (low 6 figures), but I love with all my heart. The only thing I love more is him.
I love the life we have built together and the future we are working towards, but I hate the field of medicine. It feels like it controls our entire lives sometimes. Like my needs and wants always need to take second place.
I have been fully supporting us since we moved in together about 2 years ago. He makes some money from loans, but I still make a good amount more than him, so I pay the majority of our bills. We live in a high cost of living city, so I have not really been able to save since I’ve been supporting both of us. Even during residency I will still be making a good amount more than him. I know one day he’s supposed to make good money but it’s years away. I feel like I endlessly financially supporting this dream with so little pay out in any way to me.
I am not only thinking of the financial aspect, but usually both partners contribute to the household even if it’s not financial and with his schedule in sub-Is that’s definitely not the case. I’m cooking every meal that we don’t eat out, make him lunch, keep the house clean, take full care of the dog that he wanted, etc. on top of being the breadwinner.
He really tried to show up when he can but there’s only so much he can do, and it’s so unbalanced. I feel bulldozed by med school. Even more so, the process of match is wearing on me a lot. We may have to give up everything on a whim if the match gods decide to send us somewhere else. This life I’ve established, my close friends, my family, my dream job all gone in the blink of an eye for his dream. My job is just as important to me and it may get thrown away for his. It feels devastating sometimes. I don’t want to do long distance - which I know is my fault since it could make it so I don’t have to give it all up. I just don’t want to spend every day missing him and wishing I could hear from him when he’ll have his hands in body cavities and definitely won’t be reaching for the phone. I just don’t think I could handle long distance on top of the distance that residency already creates with the insane hours and demands.
It just feels like I’m getting dragged through this process with very little say at the end of the day. He is double checking all residency spots with me so we don’t end up anywhere I would absolutely hate but I want to stay here. This is my home. I want our relationship to be more than me holding everything together while I live off of the half hour a night we get to spend together when he’s off shift before he falls asleep. I want our relationship to be more than just med school.
I read a lot of posts and responses here from actual med students and doctors, and I am going to ask that you all take a step back and don’t respond here. I know it’s your dream and it’s important to you, but your partners needs also matter just as much and are often compromised for yours. I can love him and be supportive of his career and still feel frustrated at the lack of balance in finances, household responsibilities, and importance of each of our careers at this moment. So please just leave this space for those of us who deal with all the chaos of med school but reap no benefits other than the happiness our partners getting their dreams.