r/MedSpouse

A bit more than the usual unwilling spouse story, but really lost and need some advice.

Some background: IMG 4 years out of med school. Unmarried to a fellow IMG, 8yr relationship with 2 kids (4 years and 3 months). In a training program in UK. Applied with spouse's blessing to variety of FM programs in USA, got a handful of interviews. Spouse knew each place and raised no concerns at interview or time of ranking for the match. Attitude was: "Anywhere in the US is good for us!"

Upon matching, she was disappointed with the location we got. Immediately refused to go, insisted that I "give up the position". I explained it's legally binding and the implications of breaking the contract. She spent a month pressuring me to, "make the best choice for the family" and "sacrifice your ambition".

We agreed I'd go to take a look at the place and see how family friendly it is .. turns out it's wonderful! A bit remote and barren but welcoming, clean and safe! Whilst I'm on the scouting trip, she grabs both kids, high-tails it out of country without telling me. It's become a mess of court trying to get the kids back to their usual place of residence in the UK. But even then, they'd have to stay there.

Spouse has offered for me to get a waiver and "apply again", but that sounds insane to me. Since I filed for court to get the kids returned, whole relationship has gone up in flames.

Anyone been in a similar situation with possible advice? Feeling really lost and hopeless.

My husband is an IM resident, and we’re both in our late 20s. I know residency is exhausting and I’ve genuinely tried to lower my expectations in a lot of ways because I understand the stress and fatigue that come with it. But lately I’ve been struggling with feeling really unwanted physically.

For weeks I had been trying to communicate that I missed having sex and wanted more intimacy. I brought it up directly multiple times, flirted throughout the day, tried initiating more, etc. He is always just so tired and ends up falling asleep on the couch.

We finally were intimate one night this past week, and honestly I was excited because I thought maybe things were improving. The next day I even went and bought some new toys because I thought it would be fun and something he’d find hot since that’s already something we use together. Instead, that somehow turned into a huge argument.

What hurt the most honestly wasn’t even the rejection, it was the way the conversation went afterward. He questioned why I felt the need to go to an adult store without him and immediately commented on how expensive one of the things I bought was, even though financially it truly was not an issue for us. I had made a comment that my libido had been really high lately and that I thought he might find the effort attractive or exciting.

Instead, the conversation spiraled into an argument. My husband has a tendency to argue things into the ground and focus on being “right,” and I left the conversation feeling completely crazy and emotionally exhausted. He insisted I had “never told him” I wanted more intimacy, despite me feeling like I had been communicating it for weeks in multiple ways. At one point he literally told me that just because something was “my experience” didn’t mean it was “the truth.”

That comment really stuck with me because it felt so dismissive. I wasn’t saying he intentionally ignored me, I was saying that from my perspective, I had been trying over and over to communicate my needs. Being told that my experience basically wasn’t reality felt incredibly hurtful and invalidating.

He has apologized since then, but I still feel unsettled by the whole thing. I can handle hard seasons and stress, but I don’t know how to navigate feeling emotionally invalidated every time we have conflict. It stops feeling like a disagreement and starts feeling like I’m being argued out of my own reality.

I guess I’m wondering if other med spouses have dealt with this kind of communication dynamic during residency. How do you address intimacy and emotional needs when every conversation turns into a debate over facts, wording, or who is “correct” instead of addressing the actual hurt?

Some days I just want to say I can’t be married to a physician anymore. It’s lonely, isolating, difficult, and expensive as we are still paying off loans. We never get any quality time and I’m burnt out with the kids so sometimes I look towards the future and get claustrophobic. I would love to know what it feels like to have a present husband and father, that’s all. And it’s not like he loves it either.

Would you please help me what to wear at my boyfriend's graduation party? The invitation is in a very fancy ballroom which giving me the "black tie" theme. There are
cocktails and hors d'oeuvres and dinners and ceremony.

Is it a cocktail or blacktie? I feel I need to wear floor gown, like black tie gowns instead of shimmery, maybe mid length gown. If you even can suggest some dresses between 500-1000, I would appreciate.

My sweet darling boyfriend is about to graduate from his geriatric fellowship out of state before moving home to start his first attending job. I want to get him a sweet gift that could be helpful to him in his career but also sentimental. Part of me was thinking maybe a nice briefcase, but do doctors even use briefcases? Suddenly I'm like "what does he even do?"

Buying gifts for him is not usually a challenge but I really want to get him something that will also genuinely be helpful or meaningful to him in this next step of his career.

My partner is a night shift nurse at one of the hospitals in our city. We have been together for 5 years and are getting married soon! I love him very much and I know that he loves his job but it is really wearing on me.

I don’t have any friends or family who are a medspouse, so maybe that’s why I feel so isolated in this. I find it so hard to live our lives on polar opposite schedules. I come home to a silent house, maybe see him for half an hour while he gets ready for work, and then he’s gone. I eat dinner alone, clean the house up alone, and go to sleep alone.
Even on his days off, the times I’m awake and home from work he is typically sleeping; either in preparation for or to recover from a string of shifts. These days sure we will eat together, but I still hate the going to bed alone while he stays up until 4am.

It is next to impossible for us to get away for a long weekend, a vacation, or anything like that. If he is off for a couple days during the week while I work, he will take advantage of that and go visit friends out of town or on camping trips in the summer. I love that he is able to do that for himself, but then I wind up feeling bitter and jaded.
Why is HE able to pack up all responsibility mid-week, when I still have to work and take care of the house and pets? Why can’t he ever arrange these things so they line up with MY schedule and I could go too, when so much of my life is built intentionally to revolve around his schedule/maximize our time together?

I feel selfish because obviously none of this is really his fault. It’s the nature of his career. And to him, honestly this is probably normal (both of his parents are MD’s). But this is not the life I had envisioned for myself, nor the way I thought marriage would look. I spend so much time in our home, without him. Does it get better? Am I being ridiculous? Any and all comments welcome.

bf of 6 yrs dumped me 2 weeks ago. very likely that he or someone he knows will see this thread, so, hello!

i was insanely heart broken, but after reading through what yall go through w ur medspouses, and knowing that it’s basically what he expected of our relationship once he started residency, i feel better. so thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, fr

it is so insanely hard to leave a person who you love but isnt right for you long term, so i really empathize with everybody here. if he sees this, thank you, i love you, i miss you, and i wish you well ❤️ but also you were such an a ss hole for how u dumped me. go rot!

I really could use some advice here and I appreciate the perspectives of so many of you who have gone through this already.

My partner and I were in a long-distance relationship for several years and, last year, finally relocated together for residency in a state neither of us were in before. I ended up reapplying to residency and matching into a competitive specialty I never thought I would get into in another location. Yes, I know very well I messed up by not talking to him about it before re-entering the Match but, honestly, never thought I would get any offers. I only had one interview after applying to every program in the country and ultimately matched into a spot starting in 2027.

My partner has given me an ultimatum that I decide between staying with him and moving for this position. It's an advanced spot, so I have time to withdraw if need be. He'a refusing to even consider relocating again, since we just moved for this first residency position. It hurts because I understand where he's coming from- he's sacrificed a lot to move for me already and I hate that I made him move for a position I thought I would stay in. I'm just feeling pretty numb right now.

It might be a move that his work allows, but it's not something he's willing to investigate. He has no interest in living in the state where the program is and says it's not something he'll even consider. I imagined he'd be annoyed and frustrated about this, but I didn't think he'd be so closed off to the idea of relocating again. I feel crushed with the prospect of choosing between an amazing opportunity and amazing partner.

Edit:
Yes, I'm aware the communication was a breakdown. I made this post because I was hoping to get practical advice from couples who have been a similar situation before. I'm wondering if there's any way I can relocate without causing significant disruption to his own career

My husband and I are married for 8 years now, we have two kids. For the longest time I was expecting my husbands career (Trauma surgeon and orthopedic) to get „better“ in the sense of „he‘ll be around more often soon“. I start to realize now it just won‘t happen. I have my own career and I am handling everything regarding the Kids. He loves us, but he just isn‘t around much (Weekends alone, holidays alone etc). How did you come to terms with that fact? I always imagined family life so different from the way it is now. Sorry for my English, not my first language. Thanks for any advice.

TLDR I had to move to NYC for my wife's career and there's no job market for me here. Between unemployment and no social life, I'm really unhappy.

I met my wife at the beginning of her third year of med school. At the time I was just starting my bachelor's degree after spending four years in the military. We really hit it off and we both knew from the beginning that this was the real deal. She landed a residency in NYC while I still had two years left of school. Long distance actually worked out well, she had crazy hours at the beginning and as an engineering student, my academics got pretty intense during my last two years.

After I graduated I moved to NYC to join her. I knew there wasn't much engineering in NYC, but I figured with a degree from a top engineering school and my military background I could at least get something. I spent a year applying to everything I could find. I only got one interview for a small engineering company two hours away. I was really excited to finally get something, but I quickly found out it was a dead end job and they were only offering 50k/yr.

I had enough GI Bill left for grad school so I've been doing that for the past year. I get a generous housing stipend and it's at least keeping my career on ice, but it's so boring. The engineering schools in NYC are a total joke. I once wore a shirt from my undergrad to class and when my professor noticed he stopped teaching to ask me if I went there. When I said yes he stared at me for 5 seconds in astonishment before going back to the lecture.

I tried to find a part time job just to get some human interaction but it's extremely competitive unless you have connections, which I don't. I had a phone interview for a barista position since I have experience working in a coffee shop but they turned me down because I don't have any bartending experience. That place doesn't even serve alcohol wtf?

She told me once that the thing she admired most about me was my drive and ambition. But I've reached the point where I don't really care about anything anymore. I've turned into a lazy sack of shit because, aside from taking care of my wife, my life has become completely meaningless. She's agreed to leave the city after fellowship, but that's two years away. I feel like a 50s house wife, minus the cushy suburbs and antidepressants.

I just needed to vent. Rant over

TLDR: Do I have unreasonable expectations? I do everything for the family and house and am trying to catch up on my career but none of it matters more than his job.

My surgeon spouse is three years out of fellowship and prepping for his oral boards. After med school, residency, fellowship, three cross country moves, and the first couple years of practice, I feel like I don’t want to go through this any more. We have two kids that we had during residency.

He is moody and gets mad about stupid little things all the time. He is constantly complaining about work and never asks me about things in my life or that I care about. He goes as far as to say I don’t care about him because I’m not helping him prep for his boards. I’m helping in the same way I’ve always helped - taking on all of the housework, chores, cooking, kids activities, homework, etc. When I ask him what more I can do to help him he says “you should know, how do you not know” and won’t elaborate (as if I’m a terrible spouse for not understanding).

My career has never gotten past entry level - I took time off when we had two kids during residency and with all of the moves it was hard to get started again. Now that we are more settled, I’m taking time for myself to develop my career. We recently argued after I spent a few hours focusing on completing a project when he was working from home, and he felt that I ignored him (it was the only time I had that week to get the project done before the deadline). He said “My job is ACTUALLY important.” But I see his boards studying it as his responsibility, not mine…yes it impacts us both financially - but is it my job to help him study??

We have been through this before many times for all of the different medical career hoops. I keep waiting for the next phase to get better and it never does.

He is a good dad. He supports us financially. He is well regarded in our community (but it actually kills me when people say “he’s such a good dad, he’s such a great person, you’re so lucky!! Because I don’t have the same experience)

I feel like I have lost myself in supporting him.

Do I need to adjust my expectations? Everyone talks about how it’s hard to be married to a surgeon, but creating meaningful work for myself separate from his surgical life seems like a necessary way to keep my sanity, not a superfluous luxury

We are in the transition period between TY (transitional year) and where spouse will go for the rest of his training. We already have paid a deposit for an apartment in the new city.

Thankfully it's only about 3 hours away but we still haven't figured out from either end (where he's currently working and his advanced residency) what day he will end TY and start PGY2.

Technically his TY contract goes until June 30 and his new contract is supposed to start July 1. Do they really not give them any wiggle room for moving? He has a few PTO days but not that many.

When he asks either party they are like "IDK we'll figure it out later".

We are moving an entire 4 bedroom house with a teenager and 2 pets and he's already stressed out as it is let alone no down time between jobs. We plan on moving around June 1-June 15 but we haven't closed in our old house yet so multiple mortgage/rent/utility payments are going to be tough.

I know it's hard to be a type A spouse in medicine because best laid plans always fail

This is a question for everyone:

-are you in medicine, or are you the partner of someone in medicine? In school, residency/fellowship, or attending?

-how much time do you get with your partner each day, and what does it look like?

-is this what you expected coming into the relationship? Has it evolved over time?

❤️ thanks

Hey all - my med student partner is going to be working a few pediatrics rotations for year 4 (and will likely pursue peds as her career path), and she already got her TDAP vaccine at the beginning of year 3 as required by the school

My question is, as a partner of a med student who's going to be working in peds, is it recommended that I get the TDAP vaccine as well? We don't have kids at this time, and I was fully vaccinated with the DTAP regimen as a baby/child, but I don't recall receiving TDAP as a teenager, and I definitely have not received it as an adult...

We are both 36 yrs old; married for 4 yrs + dated for 4 yrs. We met in residency and fell in love. Our relationship aligned on major values, and my partner was the incredibly caring, kind and a joy to be around.

The year I finished residency, he had already started practice and was spending ++time on paperwork, charting and also worked in academia so lots of committees, research, teaching, etc. He was starting to get overwhelmed and irritable, and self-care was slipping. We were also planning our wedding, which was stressful. He knew he was slipping into burnout when we got married, but said he was aware of it and it would get better.

Fast forward 4 yrs and his burnout has never gotten better. He’s constantly irritated, moody and negative, which has taken a huge toll on our marriage. He’s tried cutting down on work but it’s been a very slow process. He sleeps maybe 4-5 hours a night, barely eats at work and doesn’t have much time for anything else. He hates medicine now and has a lot of moral injury from the profession. We have talked about moving cities, changing specialties, or even professions but he doesn’t want to take the risk.

I’ve lost myself in the process and consumed all the house/life tasks, in addition to also working full-time. We have outsourced where possible (eg. cleaning) but I’ve been managing most things (ie. groceries, cooking, contractors, dog care, house items, etc.) My husband tries to help where he can but is so exhausted that I end up taking on the majority.

As a result of everything, I’ve also become burnout and resentful. I’ve started prioritizing myself again and feel so angry for letting myself slip into this state. We don’t have kids yet and definitely can’t in the current state, but we are also both getting older and need to figure it out soon. More than anything, it’s been incredibly lonely for me, as it feels like I don’t have a partner and person I fell in love with is gone and may never come back. We did couples counselling and are also doing individual counselling now.

Just wondering if anyone else been in this position? Did it ever get better?

 

Hello,

So, i am trying to be a better man for my fiance who has been in the nursing profession for just about 2 years. She is honestly very good at being a nurse, even got employee of the month. She manages about 3-5 patients in a 12+ hour shift.

There have been nights when she gets home and she is just stressed out because she isnt sure what may happen to a patient after she has left work. And no, she doesnt go into details nor does she share PII.

I am an active duty military, i recruit, my stress from work doesnt relate, and i tend to find ways to make my mind distracted. She doesnt so, i do my best to get a picture of what happened that day and see if she potentially failed somewhere or perhaps shes just not seeing something in front of her.

Soo, is there anyone who has a souse, male or female who is a nurse that typically deals with high stress situations at their workplace and cant seem to shake it, and so you being a good souse, how do you show support and provide constructive empathy i guess, and motivation?

Hi everyone! My partner received great news today that she got a 280 on Step 2.

While I don't fully understand how it all works, she sort of "chose" Family Medicine as her specialty already and is currently doing a sub-i for FM. She's always been interested in primary care, but she's starting to question if she should have considered more competitive specialties. She's just worried about being behind due to her focus being primarily on matching FM.

She's casually mentioned slightly considering derm or radiology now. Has anyone else's partners switched at this point? Did they have to play a lot of catch up?

My husband is a PGY1 surgical specialty and we have a 2 y/o. As a quick backstory, we have had a rocky couple of years with my postpartum being a nightmare. Husband left the day after birth to go to an optional conference. Was gone for a few months for rotations freshly postpartum. I have so much resentment and I will be the first to admit my postpartum rage was in full force.

We are at the point where I am so unhappy and I am someone who brings it up, I don’t just let it be. He gets defensive and tells me I’m just too negative and he’s too overwhelmed. Nothing changes when I bring things up so it ends up being me nagging and essentially begging for what I feel is the bare minimum. My question I guess is what do you feel is reasonable to request from your partner, and more specifically during residency. There are days when he doesn’t talk to me (not even a text back) until he’s on his way home, doesn’t update me if he’s going to be late, makes no effort to connect throughout the day. I don’t remember the last time we went on a date. He rarely touches me when he is home and when he’s home he’s either playing with our daughter or (mostly) on his phone. He snaps at me a lot, and me back at him (It’s something I hate about myself and I’m working on it). He honestly does absolutely nothing to help me feel loved or thought of. As far as household and familial responsibilities he’s told me to not count on him for anything for the next 5 years.

I feel like it is insane for him to tell me that, to have to beg for him to connect with me throughout the day and keep me updated, etc. Are my standards too high for someone in residency? Do I really need to suck it up and deal, or does my partner just suck? What do your spouses do?

1. Got married M1 year and our tax bills went way down from married filing jointly since med school = zero income 🙌
2. Will have moved three times (once for M1, once for PGY1 prelim, once next month for PGY2), I don't even care because as a SWE we touch grass once a month and can work remote sooooo does it even matter what city it is
3. I fix her computer issues / pay med school tuition and she recommends me meds
4. I am net negative for society and she's net positive so together we are moral neutral 🇨🇭 which is A-ok
5. Her income goes up right as I hit peak burnout / job enshittification -> as we age, med job is stable while tech careers fall off. I'll probably work for the government or some chill nonprofit
6. she has tea from the toxic surgeons and I have tea from the toxic tech bros
7. THERE IS SOME ANTI SYNERGY. Sometimes I finish work at 5am (yay oncall) but she needs to wake up to round and we fight for sink space. like ma'am I know there's sick people needing a doctor but I really gotta brush my teeth to sleep now I have a meeting in 5h

Rare med career + med spouse synergy 🙌 we really highrolled here lmao. early game support + late game carry let's goooo