r/MedSpouse

I've reached a stage in life where I genuinely feel ready to find a partner.

I've never really believed that compatibility can be understood in just a few conversations or meetings. To me, it's something that unfolds over time—through shared experiences, difficult phases, ordinary days, and simply getting to know the person beneath the surface. That's why I've always wanted to truly know someone before making a lifelong commitment.

I've never been in a relationship before—not because I wasn't interested, but because for a long time my focus was on my studies and becoming the person I wanted to be. Now, I feel like I'm in a place where I'm ready to let someone into my life.

I'd describe myself as someone who values depth, consistency, and mutual effort. I naturally put a great deal of effort into the people I care about, and I believe relationships are built far more by everyday acts of care than by occasional grand gestures.

I'd especially love to hear from doctors or healthcare professionals who eventually found their partner within the same profession.

A few things I've been wondering about:

• I'm currently in medical school. I started my medical journey a little later than most, so although I'm in my twenties, I still have a few years before I graduate. During that time, relocating isn't really an option. The distance could eventually be closed, but not immediately. Has anyone here successfully navigated a relationship with that kind of timeline?

• I've always been fortunate to have strong, long-lasting friendships. Some of my closest friends have lived in different places for years, yet we've remained incredibly close despite the distance. I know friendships and romantic relationships are different, but do you think being good at maintaining long-distance friendships says anything about how someone might handle a long-distance relationship?

• Medicine is demanding. Even couples living in the same city often struggle to spend time together because of postings, residency, call duties, and unpredictable schedules. For those who married someone from the same profession, did that shared understanding make the distance any easier to navigate?

Looking back, if you genuinely felt you had met the right person, would you still choose a long-distance relationship?

I'm not looking for reassurance—I'm looking for honest experiences. The good, the bad, the unexpected, the mistakes you made, and the lessons you learned. I'd genuinely love to hear your stories.

Hi, I'm new here.

My spouse is in his fifth year as pediatric surgical staff.

He is at the end of a week on call. He is extremely tired and down in the dumps. I need some tips please on how to boost him up.

Usually I'm great at it - but this time feels different.

He has been operating all weekend, no time to spend with the kids and is feeling the summer with kids pass him by (we have a 4yo and 1.5yo). He also spent all day yesterday on a polytrauma 14 year old who jumped off a balcony... it's all so sad.

He has heard all my best pep talks before. Is there anyone else who has an early-mid career surgeon spouse who can share their best pep talks with me please?

Thank you!

Partner just graduated from school and is starting in the world as a baby doctor. While I am beyond proud, doing everything I can to support her and make her life easier, I am having trouble accepting the division of labor around the house.

For context, we were long-distance while she was in school, and when I visited her, I made sure to prep meals, do laundry, clean the house, and generally take care of chores. Now that we live together (thank god), I still find myself taking care of the bulk of, if not all, the household tasks. I get it; I work from home a substantial amount, so I necessarily have more opportunities to take care of household tasks or put something in the oven that will be ready when she gets home. On one hand, I really enjoy being able to take care of her every need, morning, midday, evening, and night, but it can be a lot.

It isn't like I am not working hard too; I routinely have 50 and 60-hour work weeks. That being said, I still genuinely enjoy taking care of her and doing everything I can to make sure that she can focus on the job 100%.

Recently, we had a conversation where I expressed how much of a burden this all was, and that I would appreciate her contributing little things to the house when she can. It did not go over well, and now I made her feel as if I do not want to do these things and am asking for too much. She has said that she can't continue to be "on" when she comes home from work, and that adding chores would change our relationship too much for her. I am not asking her to cook a meal, or do the laundry; rather, I am just looking for her to pick up her clothes or wash the dishes after I make dinner.

Am I the asshole for thinking that I am not asking for too much? Please, no hate, she is a wonderful and caring partner, but I am a bit frustrated at her conclusion that she simply can't do even the smallest chores after work without feeling overwhelmed to the point where we cannot have any quality time together.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any tips for how I can communicate better or express myself better? Thanks everyone, happy 4th <3

Hi MedSpouse,

TLDR : Feeling sad. How do you adjust your mindset towards your own schedule when your partner's becomes unpredictable and intense? What does caring for yourself look like when your partner is in residency?

My partner is in his fourth year and hoping for a urology residency. On his third year he liked his rotation in the department, and the department liked him, so he arranged to do three sub-internships in urology. Now that he’s in his fourth year, reality is setting in, in a hard hard way for both of us - 80 hour weeks?!?!! Yeesh.

For context, I’m a teacher. I have a predictable schedule and reasonable hours but it is a fairly demanding job insofar as when I’m there, I have to be ON. So I don’t exactly come bounding home ready to tackle all the home upkeep solo and stoked every single day. When I’m get sick or have a particularly rough week I find myself more alone than I used to. He’s also a nontrad med student, started med school in his mid 30s, we’re both 38 now. So we had a pretty well established rhythm in our lives, we’ve been together for 15 years! Now, we’re both staring down what could be YEARS of this schedule that means he leaves by 5am and is home sometimes as late as 8pm. It’s feeling like a big big shift.

He’s questioning his specialty choice, I’m expressing that I love him and will support whatever decision he needs to make and I’m doing my best to keep things as streamlined for him on the home front - meals prepped, laundry done, etc etc. And he contributes when he can, I definitely don’t feel abandoned, but he’s also just utterly exhausted - emotionally and physically - when he’s home.

So I find myself in this headspace where I’m “waiting” to hear from him, to know when he might be home, as an anchor in my evenings or weekends. “Waiting” for him to have the energy and headspace available to have the serious conversations like about finances or a rennovation decision etc. “Waiting” for him to have enough time for me to ask for help with a home maintenance project. And the BIG one is “waiting” to know whether I’ll be able to even keep the job that I love here or if we’ll have to move for residency! Oy Vey. I put “waiting" in quotes because I think that’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing when really I’m feeling lonely and having trouble initiating and following through with things given the amount of uncertainty in our lives right now.

I’m thinking that I need to begin operating as a solo schedule rather than coordinating between the two of us. I have hobbies and things I like to do outside of work, but I’m also used to weekends together. So sometimes I just feel adrift. How do you think about your personal down time when your partner is at the hospital for the majority of your lives? How do you care for yourself and provide stability for yourself when so much is out of your control?

Much appreciation in advance, I’ve already gained so much insight from browsing medspouse posts, I’m really glad this lil community exists 🩵

I have given my neet examination this year. And pretty much confident that I will secure a good rank . I come from North India and it's has been my 2nd attempt after 2025 . Apart from that I am into a quiet serious relationship with a person, technically 5 yrs older than me, he into a technical field (software side) leading a reputed position mainly living in banglore , he is quite nice , stable,understanding ,cherry on top good looking+ takes care of me a lot and ready to sacrifice certain things for me like abroad projects and tour for awhile for the sake of my education. And currently we are planning to get married within two years. My parents know about my relationship and they are kinda chill. However to share my life with him, I have to get a college in banglore (BMCRI) a gmc, but afraid of language barrier (kannda) , like what will happen in my second year clinical postings. How would I able to communicate with local patients there, choosing a gmc in banglore over a aiims in North India.... Choosing between aiims in North and my love of life.Please require your guidance, I am literally unable to decide what to do.?

I’m a 28F and will graduate from medical school next year. I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for the past 5 years, and he’s stuck with me throughout my masters and med school. He is not in healthcare, but he’s always been supportive of me and my schooling. Now that things are getting more real and we’re not just daydreaming about getting older, moving for residency, having kids, and getting married, i feel like I’m at a fork in the road with our relationship.

Briefly, he has many great qualities. I could see a version of myself feeling happy marrying him and having a family together. I’ve made it clear that I am not willing to let anything get in the way of my career, and he’s understanding of that and is willing to compromise his career if it means he’s taking care of our future kids. However, I am an extremely adventurous person with travel, food, and activities, and he is not. He’s a picky eater with food anxiety who is okay being a homebody, and that really weighs on me. Even tho he says he’s willing to do stuff like go on trips, try new food, etc., we both know it’s never going to be to the same degree that I’d like to travel. We’ve also been planning for the “stay at home dad” route once we have kids and I become an attending, which has always sounded good in theory but now this thought makes me apprehensive just for fear of the unknown.

I’ve talked to numerous counselors at my school about this and they generally keep telling me iterations of, “well if food is the biggest hurdle in your relationship then you’re doing pretty well!” Which I agree with to a degree, but i still can’t get to the bottom of why I continue to worry about our future.

I posted a version of this in the dating advice sub-Reddit asking for perspectives on staying with a “safe and stable” partner vs someone who is “exciting and adventurous” and generally got a bunch of sour remarks and messages calling me delusional, selfish and that i should break up with my bf now to save him the grief.

I guess I’m reposting here to see if anyone has any perspective as a medspouse / physician. I feel like I’m about to walk into a whole new world completely blind and would just love to hear perspectives of people who have been in the same situation or can give constructive input.

My wife is starting a new hospitalist position at 6 months postpartum. She had a lot of trouble getting her milk to full supply and is nervous about cutting back, but isn’t sure what to expect with the ability to pump while at work.

Anyone have experience with pumping while running a hospitalist shift?

She’s FM, patient panel is 18 on average, no admits. 7-7 shift.

Hey gang. Husband is searching for his first big boy attending job and he is going to his first in-person interview this week. This position is not local to us, if he took this job it would be a pretty major relocation.

As the spouse I get to come to this interview trip too, which I understand is pretty common as they need the spouse to buy in to clinch their new physician hire. I’m not looking forward to the schmoozing that will likely happen but I get it. While we are there, our itinerary includes a “community tour”. I assumed this would be quite literally that - “here’s our town, here’s relevant places, here’s where your husband will work” type stuff. I have since learned from my husband that this tour is apparently going to be led by a realtor.

My gut says this is just code for a multi-hour captive real estate pitch with no escape. I do not relish this. I just want a chance to visit the area and decide if I like it without people kissing our asses or pressuring us. But I’m wondering if I’m being negative or making assumptions? Did anyone else experience something like this while tagging along to a spouse interview trip? What should I actually expect?

After preparing himself his whole life to apply for medical school my husband finally got into a Caribbean School in his city. He was not so pleased with it, but we were waiting for him to finally apply and get into Medicine for 3 years, since I started talking to him either he applied or he did PA school, because he is 35 years old. He has ADHD and tends to procrastinate a little and doesn’t believe in himself that much. After his acceptance letter, he took a Zolpidem and “accidentally“ withdraw his application. We called the schools and they accepted him back on the list. Then last week I found out that he missed the deposit due date and that he is out again. There was an email saying he withdrew. He was lying to me for 20 days, pretending everything was okay. I don’t know what to do. I asked him so many times to do PA school 3 years ago, because we are already old enough to make more money and to buy a house and provide a good life for our daughter and not get into more Student Loans, but he told me that is what he wanted to do, and after helping throw the whole process of applying, he does that. Is it normal? How could he lie to me that way? Any help would be appreciated because I feel lost. I can’t trust him again.

EDIT - Honestly, reading all your replies has just confirmed what I already knew. I'm an ass. Time to have a long conversation. Thanks everyone.

I'm really not sure where to go with this so I could use some advise from some MedSpouses.

I'm an attending, have been for 11 years. Joined a practice right out of residency and have been there ever since. I have a large patient base, we own our home, have put thousands upon thousands of dollars in to it to make it ours, and my spouse hates where we live. He grew up in a very blue state, and we moved to a very red state. He was used to big city, we moved to farm country. He thinks that everyone around us is uneducated, close minded, and hateful.

We've been together 17 years, met when I was in med school. When it came to residency, he had say in where I went, what places he wasn't ok with moving to. When I was looking for my first attending job, he came with me on all my interviews (that he was allowed to come to), and we compromised on where to live. I didn't want to go further south because it was too hot, and he didn't want to go north because it was too cold.

But these last few years he hasn't been happy here. He hasn't really made any friends, he works for his family that live in another state so he's by himself at his office. I know he's depressed but he won't do therapy or meds because he's had bad reactions in the past. I try to ask about compromises (we're not going to retire here, so I try to remind him it's not forever), but he doesn't offer up any solutions. Neither of us have any family here, and the only friends that I have are ones that I made at work.

Does anyone have advice on compromises or things that I can do to make him less miserable? If we can just make it to retirement age I will move wherever he wants to go, no questions asked. We've been together almost 20 years, and if I absolutely have to I will pick up and move for him, but the idea of starting over at a new practice and moving feels impossible. And then saying that just makes me feel like a selfish, uncaring prick...

My long-term bf started orientation as an M1 this week, and I’m already feeling shamefully a bit resentful. We’re long distance for now, around 2 hours away from each other. My apartment lease doesn’t end until the end of the month, so it doesn’t make sense for me to move until August so that I don’t have to pay two leases.

While he’s been excited about everything, I’ve been struggling. I’m finding it hard to not feel behind while I apply to OT school as a nontraditional applicant, and this week has felt especially rough with job applications and stress of shadowing hours. Yesterday for instance, I drove 4 hours round trip to drop off some things for him, listened to him talk about his excitement, and barely got a word out. I feel like I should be better at this. My family is majority healthcare, and I’ve seen my mom and several aunts in the roles of med spouse. It’s just hard to feel like I’m the supporting character to someone else’s dreams while I don’t feel like I know if mine will happen yet. I know he can’t do anything to fix my application and post-undergrad stress, but I just want someone to ask me how my day was and mean it.

It's traumatic for both sides. I wish I knew back then what I could have said, and I think those of us who haven't been through it would like to know too.

The problem is there's no right thing to say. What can you say? We can only try to be there for them in the moment and be eternally patient afterward.
We've been together 18 years and he's been through so much trauma, but I think the 'firsts' in medschool are particularly bad for everyone.

For me I was out shopping with my mom when I got the call. I excused myself when he told me he lost a patient for the first time. He was heartbroken and I wished I could be with him in person just to hold him through it.

Or the call after the first cadaver lab; it's so humbling and perspective changing. So many students quit after that day because it's so awful for them.

For after residency and such, the first official complaint. Or the first major red tape that prevents you from saving a life.

I don't think this thread will have answers. But I think we need to have at least one space to open the table for darker talk. I'm sure some of you have stories to share or questions about what's to come.

First of all,
Happy 1st of July to all the new residents and SigOths, hope it's all going well.

My wife's birthday is coming up, and since she just started residency, I wanted to get her some comfort gifts so she can maximize relaxing when she gets home. Right now, I have a terry cloth bathrobe and a memory foam sleep mask. Wanted to check if there are any other recommendations? Thanks!

My fiancée is taking Step 1 for the third time today. We get results in about two weeks. I’ve been as supportive as I know how to be through two fails, through the hours and years study grind, through all of it. She’s worked INCREDIBLY hard to even get where she is currently (at an extremely reputable medical school one of the top 50 in the country)

But today a former therapy client of mine (I’m a therapist) texted that she just passed her own Step 2, and something about the timing just wrecked me. I know it’s not about her, I was happy for her, but it kicked up a wave of anxiety and fear for the future I wasn’t expecting.

We’ve been together almost 9 years, and med school has basically been the backbone of that whole time. I don’t regret it, and I know it’s a good life if it works out. But sometimes I feel the weight of how singularly focused she’s had to be, and how much that shapes both of us i.e. the 6 figure debt, the possibility of her taking a year off if this doesn’t go through, the way my own life (currently job hunting while employed, wedding planning) gets pushed to the side while I just have to take it. I feel completely powerless.

Has anyone else been through a third attempt with a partner? How did you get through the wait? And honestly, how do you deal with the mixed feelings that come with loving someone on this path?

Thank you everyone

Me and my husband have been married for almost 5 years and we have 2 kids together. He is starting M1 this fall. Any advice for a non traditional family/medspouse? Any advice for raising kids during medical school?
We agreed we didn’t want any more kids during medical school, but want to have maybe 2 more after med school because we know we’re not done but don’t want just one more so that they don’t have to be lonely with a gap.

(We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. So we figure that since they are close in age, we would have a gap and then two more close in age so they could have little playmates)

I’m 31, my husband is 32. Our plan was for him to finish his residency next year, and towards the end of which we were planning to start a family. But, life took a turn. He was recently forced to resign at the end of pgy 2. So now we are clueless about what our next steps will be, will he find a new spot in another program, is this a dead-end, is he going to take up a new career, no idea!

I’m a non medico, i’m super stressed about our situation, i feel like our whole plans to start a family end of this year have suddenly vanished, i don’t know when we will be ready. Should i consider freezing my eggs(i’m battling with hypothyroidism and feel like my body is changing every fucking day). I’m scared about the process.

This has become more of a rant, but any thoughts or suggestions or experience might help wrap my head around it:))

My husband is just starting his surgery internship before we move back to our home state next year for his radiology program. He chose a surgery prelim year as he might want to do IR and figured it would be the most beneficial to his education, as well as this one is in a city we’ve always wanted to live.

However, he is feeling a lot of regret bordering on depression about ranking this program so high, because of the high demands of the program.

We’ve been together a decade, so not the first difficult thing we’ve faced, but I’m not sure I’ve seen him this bummed out about a choice or situation, and certainly never this trapped.

I’m just looking for advice on keeping your med partners afloat emotionally. What was helpful advice you received or something that kept them going?

He has hobbies he loves to do that I’ll keep him going to as much as possible, but just struggling to know what to say that doesn’t sound too much like either a hallmark card or a coach telling him to suck it up.

The poll about dating posts has closed. Thank you to all who commented and participated. There were a total of 442 votes cast and a good deal of discussion in the comments. The post has since been locked but will remain available for transparency so you can review the poll thread and results.

The mod team is happy to announce that, following the 5-day poll gathering your input, posts involving dating will be permitted in certain circumstances or situations. Posts outside of the conditions must be kept to the megathread. Any posts not meeting the rules will be removed.

New rule: Dating Posts - Posts regarding behaviours or remarks in potential or brand new relationships, those asking what it's like to date an individual in a medical profession, or those asking for generic dating advice that is not considered "spouse-type" are to be posted in the bi-weekly megathread. Posts unrelated to someone in a medical profession will be removed, and the posters encouraged to use the mega thread, or consider posting in r/MedDating.

Examples of posts that would be removed:

- "I've been talking to a person entering med school (or a new resident) and they do [insert behaviour], is it normal?"

- "What's it like to date/marry a doctor, nurse, or other medical professional?"

- "How can I tell if this person, who's a doctor, likes me?"

- "How can I support my boyfriend through studying for his MCAT?"

Examples of posts that would be allowed to remain as individual posts:

- "My girlfriend is moving away for residency. What are some ways I can keep the long distance relationship strong throughout the upcoming years?"

- "My partner is in residency/fellowship/etc. and we're about to move in together for the first time. What should I expect, and what can I do to make home life good for both of us?"

The mod team recognizes that some community members genuinely enjoy sharing their experience, tips, and advice with new or newer couples. Med spouses know some of the intricacies of maintaining a med relationship, most of which likely would have been helpful early on in their own relationships.

The mod team acknowledges some members are not in favour of dating posts. Simply put: If it's not your type of content, you are under no obligation to interact with an approved post or the megathread.

Welcome to the bi-weekly megathread, created following the establishment of Rule 5 - Dating Posts.

Keep the discussions respectful and relevant - this is not a dating service. This is also not just for generic dating advice for non-med relationships; at least one partner should be in a medical field.

This is the first megathread, your patience with the Mod team is appreciated as we navigate this process.