r/MedSpouse

I’m looking for some advice here. My husband obviously has classmates that he can talk to about this but I really don’t have anyone in the same boat as me that I could talk to about this.

I (25f) and my husband (25m) just got married almost a year ago (together for a total of 5 years). He just started his third year of med school and is on his first half of rotations. We’ve talked a lot about having kids even since before we got married but the timeline is always where things get a little dicey for me.

My husband said that it will be so much easier for us to have a baby before match day, that way he can be there for me more than he would be during residency. I get that but then what about when he’s actually in residency? I would still have a newborn. Sure the baby would be a couple of months old at that point but in my eyes it’s no different than having a fresh new baby brought home straight from the hospital. On top of having practically a newborn he would now be working a ton more than we’re used to. I guess he’s saying it’s easier while hes in school so 6 weeks after birth he could be with me.

I dreamed of the possibility of being a SAHM with my future kids. I work right now but the plan was to always “retire” me early so that I could stay home with our kids. If we had a child before he even finishes residency i would still have to return to work, and it’s not like our parents could watch our children cause we would have to move away for his residency. Which leads to another issue.

Since we just moved back to our home state for his third and fourth year, I just started a new job. I don’t get vacation days until after a year and maternity leave is not paid - you have to use your vacation and sick days to have it paid. So if we did have a baby while he was still in med school about half of my “maternity” leave would be unpaid. He said he would be perfectly fine (our rent is very very cheap, through a family friend, and it’s not like our family wouldn’t help us out, but I constantly worry about money so it stresses me out a little) And again we know we’re going to move in less and 2 years so I would have to wait another year for vacation days wherever else I got a job at. Plus I would have to find some type of daycare.

He doesn’t want to wait until he’s out of residency to start having a children (I think he’s afraid of being an “old dad”) I don’t want to wait to have our first child either when we’re 30. (I know 30 is certainly not old but I live in the south and everyone has kids young around here so I feel the pressure everyday lol) SO my question is, is it easier to have kids in med school, wait until residency, or wait until residency is over??
I know basically any choice is going to be hard, very hard, but which one would be slightly less hard I guess?

so my partner (f28) and i (m29) have been together for over two and a half years. she’s in her intern year and i’ve been working full-time and doing my part-time master’s. i work a very niche corporate job which i don’t particularly like and make decent money ($90k last year, hopefully $100k this year with a promotion and bonus) and hopefully my MA will allow me transition to a different niche job i like more while keeping me on a similar salary trajectory. luckily, i have family help so i have minimum debt.

my partner keeps bringing up that she feels uncomfortable that she’s going to make significantly more than me as an attending, and that it looks bad socially that she’s dating someone who won’t make as much and doesn’t work a high-status job (doctor, lawyer, swe). i really like that she’s talented and ambitious, but it’s annoying to keep on getting these digs from her because her job pays more and is more prestigious. i appreciate that it’s harder than what i do, but i’m also trying to do something with my life. whenever i tell her that, she says what all of her professional friends want from their partners.

the thing is i’ve have this job and program since we started dating, and whenever we talk about what our future would look like together (where we’d want to live, kids, lifestyle, whether she needs to max her earning potential) we’ve always been very aligned on those and my current trajectory would help with that. it’s just annoying because it seems all about title and number instead of anything. idk, i’m just ranting. we’re both second-gen indian americans, which probably explains a lot.

curious how non-md partners feel about and deal with their Md partners going to conferences? Anyone else feel neglected for a few days?

My bf constantly complains about being in fellowship. I listen to him complain during residency-which whatever, but now it’s constant complaining for fellowship. His fellowship was not a necessary step in his med journey but it was highly recommended. In hindsight it’s a great opportunity to get more professional practice and more procedures but he also hates that he’s in the program. He’s at a prestigious hospital for his fellowship but all I hear is him complaining. I get he’s not making the money he “deserves” but it gets old. He complains he’s wasting his time, not getting paid enough, blah, blah. I’m trying to be sensitive to his complaints and just listen but it gets repetitive. I want him to find some sort of happiness somewhere in this medical journey but I know he only focuses on the negative. I don’t want him wishing his years away just so he can get done with residency and fellowship. Additionally, I really don’t want to hear him constantly complains about working when he’s finally done with everything. Ik it’s normal to complain about your job over casual stuff but I really don’t want to hear him complain constantly for just working his normal job.

Does anyone else feel this way or just me? Am I just insensitive?