u/KikiSqueaky

I’m dating a physician in a highly specialized field (both in our mid 30s), and we've been dating for 3 months. We are both relatively new to the city we met in (I've been here 1 year he's been here 2).

This morning he told me he’s considering interviewing for positions in other cities The way he initially explained it was that he wants to negotiate a raise at his current job (the yearly contract renewal is happening?) and having another offer in hand would give him significantly more leverage. He wasn't sure if he should take the other interviews or not. I asked what the downside of interviewing would be and he said the risk is getting an offer good enough that he actually wants to leave. He said his goal is to stay since he likes the city and job and just hope for better pay. He originally planned to ask his mentor whether pursuing outside offers was worthwhile but after we talked about it he decided he’s going to try interviewing regardless.

I'm unsure what is reasonable from the relationship side because we're so new. I wouldn't expect him to make a major career decision around someone he just started a relationship with, and I certainly don't want to discourage him from pursuing a great opportunity. At the same time, we're now in a committed relationship, so finding out he might genuinely be considering leaving our city caught me off guard and makes scared to keep investing.

One thing that makes my situation easier is that I work remotely and have much more geographic flexibility. I chose to be in my current city for lifestyle reasons to check it out and I do like it but don't know that it's forever.

For those who have dealt with attending job searches/relocations: what is normal at this stage? At what point did you and your physician partner start treating location and job decisions as joint decisions rather than individual career decisions? And given how new we are, would you mostly let him explore his options and wait until there's an actual offer before discussing what it means for us, or is this something we should be talking about now so I don't risk chasing something that has no future?

I'm dating a physician for a few months (we've been friends for 6+ months). He's an EP physician mid-30s, and I'm trying to calibrate my expectations instead of projecting typical dating rules (he's just not that into you!!) or other experiences onto him.

I genuinely don't mind dating someone with a demanding career. I'm very independent, have my own hobbies, friends, and career, and I don't need constant texting or daily dates. But I don't want to feel like an afterthought or that he's stringing me along, and I'm afraid that's easy to hide behind in a job like this. Just wanting a little consideration.

For example, if we have tentative plans for coffee and his day completely blows up, I'd much rather get a quick "Hey, today's a disaster, let's rain check" than hear nothing and be left wondering if the plan still exists.

Similarly, if we're making plans for the weekend, I don't expect immediate responses while he's working. But I also don't want to be in a position where he doesn't really confirm plans, and I'm hesitant to make my own plans because I don't know whether ours are happening or not.

He's currently on-call for the next few weeks, and I know that's tricky and he doesn't have a lot of time. At the same time, I'm trying to figure out what is actually normal when dating someone in medicine versus what isn't.

In the early stages of dating physicians (especially fellows or attendings):

• What level of inconsistency is simply part of the territory?
• What communication expectations have worked well for you?
• Did your partner naturally get better about giving you a heads-up when plans changed, or was that something you had to discuss?
• At what point would you say, "This isn't medicine anymore, this is just inconsiderate communication"?

Just trying to figure out where the line is between having realistic expectations for someone with an unpredictable job and overlooking inconsistent behavior that would bother me in any relationship.

TL;DR: A guy I was friends with for 5 months finally moved things into dating territory. He says he's not seeing anyone else, misses me, and recently initiated a conversation about "us," but he never actually stated what he wants. His words suggest interest, but his actions often leave me feeling like I'm fitting into openings in his life rather than being intentionally chosen. I'm struggling to tell whether this is anxiety or whether I'm picking up on a real lack of commitment.

The confusing part is that I thought I was giving signals. I would try to spend time together outside of our hobby, but I often felt like I wasn't getting much back. For example, he once said he'd get tickets for a local event for us to attend together, but never followed through. The event sold out, and he never suggested another day or alternative plan. There were also times where texts went unanswered or I just didn't get the sense that he was thinking about spending time with me outside our shared activity.

A few months later he invited me on a trip and to a wedding. That's where things shifted. We got out of the friend zone, started dating, and eventually started sleeping together.

Now he says he regrets not making a move sooner and claims he didn't think I was interested because I wasn't giving him signals. I find that confusing because my experience was the opposite: I felt like I was showing interest and interpreting his behavior as disinterest.

Recently he initiated a conversation about where things stand between us. He told me he's not seeing anyone else and wanted to know if I was. On paper, that sounds great. But what left me confused is that he never actually said what he wants. He didn't say he wants a relationship, exclusivity, or that he sees this going somewhere. Instead, the conversation mostly focused on figuring out where I stand.

I walked away feeling reassured, but also feeling like he asked me to reveal my cards without really revealing his.

One of my fears is that now that he knows I'm interested, he's excited by that fact, enjoys spending time with me, enjoys sleeping with me, and doesn't want to lose a good situation—but he still hasn't decided whether he actually wants a relationship.

Part of that fear comes from comments he's made about needing "relationship pillars" and saying he doesn't really know me yet. That confuses me because we've been friends for months, traveled together, spent a week together on a trip, met each other's friends, talked about past relationships, shared a major hobby, and spent time together in a lot of different contexts. I genuinely don't understand how someone could say they still don't know me after all that.

The bigger issue is that his actions and words don't fully line up for me.

On one hand He initiates plans, says he misses me, asks where I stand, says he's not seeing anyone else, recently initiated a conversation about "us."

On the other hand, I often feel like I'm fitting into openings in his schedule. Multiple times we've gone on dates or hooked up and he's had to leave immediately afterward because he had plans with his cousin or something else. We talked about watching a documentary together and then I found out he'd already started watching it without me. I often leave interactions feeling confused.

None of these things individually are a huge deal. But together they create a feeling that I can't shake.

Am I dealing with a guy who genuinely likes me but is cautious, independent, and afraid of rejection? Or am I dealing with someone who enjoys the connection and wants to keep it, but isn't actually moving toward a relationship?

How do you tell the difference between anxiety and intuition when someone's words are reassuring but you still don't feel secure?

TL;DR: A guy I was friends with for 5 months finally moved things into dating territory. He says he's not seeing anyone else, misses me, and recently initiated a conversation about "us," but he never actually stated what he wants. His words suggest interest, but his actions often leave me feeling like I'm fitting into openings in his life rather than being intentionally chosen. I'm struggling to tell whether this is anxiety or whether I'm picking up on a real lack of commitment. Am I in a holding pattern?

The confusing part is that I thought I was giving signals. I would try to spend time together outside of our hobby, but I often felt like I wasn't getting much back. For example, he once said he'd get tickets for a local event for us to attend together, but never followed through. The event sold out, and he never suggested another day or alternative plan. There were also times where texts went unanswered or I just didn't get the sense that he was thinking about spending time with me outside our shared activity.

A few months later he invited me on a trip and to a wedding. That's where things shifted. We got out of the friend zone, started dating, and eventually started sleeping together.

Now he says he regrets not making a move sooner and claims he didn't think I was interested because I wasn't giving him signals. I find that confusing because my experience was the opposite: I felt like I was showing interest and interpreting his behavior as disinterest.

Recently he initiated a conversation about where things stand between us. He told me he's not seeing anyone else and wanted to know if I was. On paper, that sounds great. But what left me confused is that he never actually said what he wants. He didn't say he wants a relationship, exclusivity, or that he sees this going somewhere. Instead, the conversation mostly focused on figuring out where I stand.

I walked away feeling reassured, but also feeling like he asked me to reveal my cards without really revealing his.

One of my fears is that now that he knows I'm interested, he's excited by that fact, enjoys spending time with me, enjoys sleeping with me, and doesn't want to lose a good situation—but he still hasn't decided whether he actually wants a relationship.

Part of that fear comes from comments he's made about needing "relationship pillars" and saying he doesn't really know me yet. That confuses me because we've been friends for months, traveled together, spent a week together on a trip, met each other's friends, talked about past relationships, shared a major hobby, and spent time together in a lot of different contexts. I genuinely don't understand how someone could say they still don't know me after all that.

The bigger issue is that his actions and words don't fully line up for me.

On one hand He initiates plans, says he misses me, asks where I stand, says he's not seeing anyone else, recently initiated a conversation about "us."

On the other hand, I often feel like I'm fitting into openings in his schedule. Multiple times we've gone on dates or hooked up and he's had to leave immediately afterward because he had plans with his cousin or something else. We talked about watching a documentary together and then I found out he'd already started watching it without me. I often leave interactions feeling confused.

None of these things individually are a huge deal. But together they create a feeling that I can't shake.

Am I dealing with a guy who genuinely likes me but is cautious, independent, and afraid of rejection? Or am I dealing with someone who enjoys the connection and wants to keep it, but isn't actually moving toward a relationship?

How do you tell the difference between anxiety and intuition when someone's words are reassuring but you still don't feel secure?