Well, I took the first step this week
Background: I am a single mom with a 9.5 m/o baby. I live in a separate state from my friends & family (& really basically everyone I know). I have been through significant trauma throughout my lifetime & unfortunately this is how it presents for me. It has been going on for years. Probably since fall of 2020.
No matter how hard I’ve tried & wanted to, I’ve never been able to get ahold of this problem. It was awful when it impacted just me but knowing my baby is in this environment too kills me. It does solidify the fact that it is a deep mental health disorder that is incredibly difficult to overcome because there is nothing I want more in the world than to provide a safe, happy, & healthy environment for my kid. & even still, I couldn’t push through.
Update: After about the quadrillionth time trying to conquer the hoard & just being paralyzed by it and accomplishing nothing, I accepted “defeat”. Defeat to me really just means I finally accepted that I am not capable of tackling this on my own & I desperately need help. So I made the move. I submitted an inquiry to Steri-clean and one of them came by today to do the walk through and assess the situation. It was so incredibly hard to do but my daughter’s health, happiness, & safety are more important than my shame about the hoard. One step closer.
Aftermath: How i’m feeling after the visit. I definitely cried after & felt really heavy once he left. Like many of us, I am deeply ashamed of this issue. Being vulnerable and letting a stranger in to show them around my house of chaos & filth, was necessary but so very hard. One of the ‘good’ decisions I made was to not request sorting. I gave full permission to get. rid. of. everything. (essentials spared only). I am having some anxiety about the stuff that will be thrown out. Especially because I was starting over from nothing at this place so a lot of the clutter is quite literally brand new stuff. I also am at peace that things don’t really matter. It is a little bit of a weird feeling but it’s for the best.
The only way out is through. I’m facing it.