r/hoarding

I have an elderly family member whom I love. She is a kind and smart and loving, and she is a hoarder. How bad is it? Last year, she fell in her apartment and called 911 when she could not get up, which was the right thing to do. When the medics came, they were unable to enter her place because of all her stacks of stuff.

In short, due to being "discovered", her cousin and I were granted permission to "declutter" while she was in the hospital and nursing facility. It was hard, overwhelming, emotional and time-consuming. I was glad to do it because it needed to be done, and I considered it an act of love. We did a darn good job and also hired an organizer to make a system to store items that were meaningful enough to keep.

She started to re-hoard even before she got home. I was helping her to pack up from the hospital and I said, "Oh here, let me recycle that hospital menu. You won't need that." Of course she did need to keep it.

Before all this, her hoarding was annoying to me and it didn't make sense. Now, as I see the worthless items like junk mail beginning to cover all the surfaces of the apartment, I feel angry and resentful at her. Every item I see her save, I feel like she is adding to the burden that I will have because she is quite old and it will be MY job to deal with it, eventually. I love her and I don't want to continue to be angry and resentful at her, but I can't get over those feelings. (I visit her in her place because she is quite old and it is hard for her to get out.)

Your thoughts, please? I realize this problem is me.

Been friends with this girl for almost twenty years. Mid level hoarding situation with her and her mom. It’s getting worse and there’s a 2.5 year old in the situation.

Some rooms in the house upstairs are completely packed full. But the main living area downstairs is walkable if you watch where you’re going. You’ll trip on things like shoes or toys but it’s mostly smaller debris and trash on the floor.

When you walk in, it smells like old food and moldy/dirty dishes, dirty diapers, laundry, BO. There is barely room to set anything down on surfaces. Fast food will sit on the coffee table for days. Cups go moldy, things get spilled and don’t get cleaned well.

The toddler (almost 2.5) will dump out a bag of chips, of hair ties, of makeup brushes, whatever she can find and it will stay there for days. It doesn’t matter if my friend cleans one mess up because parenting/discipline around cleaning is just not occurring nor is it really being modeled. Trash doesn’t get taken out and boxes and wrappers will be discarded where ever something is opened. I think my friend (overweight, has asthma, and mental health issues) doesn’t move from the couch much.

She sometimes won’t shower for days. She has super long hair and me and her other friend take turns every couple of weeks detangling it for her.

I know this woman is not doing everything she can. She has mental health issues but she drinks and smokes everyday. She’ll start drinking early.

She doesn’t work. Her mom provides for her completely. Enables her weed and alcohol issues... Her friends (myself included) and entire family are all being incredibly enabling because she has multiple people who are willing to do favors for her or give her money or help her out, and it seems like everyone’s scared to say anything to her because she can be an extremely defensive person and doesn’t take criticism well.

She is making herself unwell physically with the drinking and smoking, she’ll have a GI issue of some sort multiple times a week, but she is in denial, and has been for like a decade now, that the drinking and smoking are NOT helping her.

I can relate to her. So much. We have been through many, many similar trials in life and so I get it. I’m not a hoarder but I have depression and I have definitely let my house get in a bad state. It just doesn’t stay that way.

I’m getting ready to call CPS because I don’t think that she will be receptive to me or anybody else talking to her. She gets defensive, anxious, has panic attacks when she feels criticized.

An open CPS case and the fear of them just showing up at any time would motivate her to get it together. She loves her daughter, I KNOW it would help. And her child isn’t unwell, she’s a happy child, full of energy, meeting all her milestones. So I just don’t believe they’d take her daughter away. Not even temporarily.

I just don’t know what to do. Something needs to be done. Either I need to get her other friends and family together to stage an intervention or CPS needs to be called. Because nothing will change unless one of those things happen.

Hi everyone, I have numerous mental health conditions and I didn’t clean my apartment properly for 12 months. I can work, I look hygienic and I dress well, no one knew I was living in squalor for months and months. My fridge was brimming with moldy food. I had to get a crime scene cleaning company to clean the place for me as I had GLP1 needle tops around the place, cat poop on the floor near my cats litter tray, I hadn’t taken the trash out for 12 months. I had bags of trash everywhere. I couldn’t face the cleaners so I left the keys in my letterbox. How can I stop this from happening again? Crime scene cleaners are expensive! I haven’t told anyone about it. Not even my therapist that I see once every two weeks.

We have guests coming over today! Two of my friend's kids are coming over today to spend the day with us. His eldest son is courting my eldest daughter. Lol.

My wife and her brother went on over drive mode. The entire 1st floor is clean and clutter free! My wife said since I had no choice, I had to get it done. Lol.

The trick for my wife is to save herself from complete embarrassment. Hey, whatever it takes to get the job done right?

After two months of slow progress, yesterday was a complete plow through moment.

I might have to invite people over every weekend! Lol

My wife and her brother are both hoaders and their work ethics is that of a donkey. So, seeing them working like that was like watching a miracle happen before my eyes. Lol.

They both have Peter Pan syndrome. Yesterday, Captain Hook won! That's me.

I played the classic game of chicken and I won!

Some days, Wendy Darling and the Lost Boys will win. That's my wife and her brother.

But some days, Captain Hook will win! That's me!

Be vigilant fellow Captain Hooks! The voice of reason and progress shall over come!

So…there was a time or two where things were actually clean or clean enough. But it got messy again because there was no action towards maintenance. But wow I felt so cool. lol

Anyway, sometimes I look at what some people have to deal with here and I’m like, “that’s all??? Please! I’d gladly trade. That’s easy!”

You can hire someone to clean it out, you as the spouse/oartner can clean it out, but a hoarder is always going to hoard. It's the nature of a scorpion. Is it possible to turn into a level 1 hoader from a level 4, absolutely. But, it's also possible to go back into a level 4 from a level 1. There is no such thing as a cure. Blessed are the hoarder's spouses for their patience and grace which surpasses all common sense in this world.

If you are married to a hoarder, truely you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize, if you constantly purged the home countless times. You are a hero.

Turning 40 and just started talking to my retired parents about their arrangements. They’re healthy luckily but life is messy: they have tons of debt from lifelong financial illiteracy, and my mom used shopping her whole life to soothe her stress.

Now there’s a house full of stuff. It looks like Ross. Clothes, designer bags, 90s furniture, etc. Growing up, things would just get stuffed in the garage, and when that got full, an outdoor storage unit they built in the backyard. I haven’t lived there since HS and it’s gotten worse. I’d sell it all myself and take the profits if I were nearby but that’s not possible.

I’ve provided all the tools for my parents to start an eBay store (they often ask me for money) but they’re so resistant: afraid of upset customers, tech being too hard, stressful career life basically making them unmotivated to work anymore. I’m tired of them saying they don’t have money to do things (they really don’t). But now I’m even more stressed because if they don’t sell their stuff, I have to deal with it after they die. Hopefully they won’t pass anytime soon but I have been asking them to downsize for at least 10 years!

This is part venting, part looking for strategies. Anyone going through something similar? Should I just let this go and inherit all their stuff? I feel bad for the environment, and the thought of wasting months of my life sorting through their stuff makes me sick.

Edit: I’m also upset that they brush problems under the rug and somehow think someone else (me) will take care of their things when they’re gone. It seems selfish. :( I’m aware this is a mental health condition. They unfortunately don’t see it that way and are not willing to see a therapist or doctor because they don’t see it as being a problem. I think their things are a physical, visible representation of their hard work, not the debt they’ve accrued because of it and not the money they could gain from it.

I have pics but not sure where if I’m allowed to post them here. Also our relationship and living situation has a long background, but main points:

- we have always been very good about conflict resolution to the point where I would say it was the number one strength in our relationship until it came to sharing space and cleaning. On those topics, it’s eggshells for me, extreme emotional distress and defensiveness from him. He demands an explanation for why anything in the house gets moved or cleaned. When I tell him he should view cleaning the same as taking a shower, like hygiene, he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. A lot of his arguments are “it doesn’t make sense to do this because I will have to move/clean it again later” or that I’m over reacting and that I don’t make sense.

- he does not clean the bathroom or kitchen surfaces ever, ever, ever, unless being told to. I’ve let it go on to see how long he’ll let his own bathroom get dirty (we have separate bathrooms) and it’s months. I just do the kitchen because he won’t clean up anything on any surface

- I’m allergic to cats and one of his promises to me in this new apartment was keeping our room clean enough for me to sleep in it. But he doesn’t, clean up any of the mountains of clutter or clean his bedding for weeks, when it’s clean I’ll sleep in there a few days to a week but after that my face gets visibly worse and I get sicker, he acts sad but still won’t clean so I usually sleep on the couch or on a cot in our sons room. He’ll try to have sex with me on the couch and I’ll just be like I’m sad we can’t use the bed and it kinda gives me the ick, and turn him down, he’ll be like aaawww okay I’ll clean the room so you can sleep in there but still only cleans on his own time and acts like it’s a hassle.

-one of his cats can’t physically groom itself and needs to be taken to a groomer but he won’t make the appointments unless I tell him to and say I’m going to leave and stay with my parents unless he does

- he won’t unblock the back entrance permanently, it’s waaaaay better than it was after an argument I would not budge on, usually I just give up and go to my own space (our sons room) this time I stood my ground and said the back entrance has to be clear, it’s not safe, I’m not sleeping until it’s clear. He was in near tears about me saying this, it shocked me, “you’re not making any sense, it’s just going to have to be moved around anyway”stomping around, he did unblock it but it’ll get blocked and unblocked, etc

-I asked him if we could hire a cleaner because I work full time and take care of the toddler, he basically laughed said I was overreacting, wasting money, then when I argued he got offended and said I’m implying he’s dirty and we should just clean more

-he does take out the garbage every day and he spot cleans the couch by lint rolling. Sometimes he sweeps the floors. He promised to vacuum every day awhile ago but has never vacuumed once, just says he doesn’t have time so I will remind him every day for a week and then do it myself

- he is diagnosed with both adhd and ocd, he has therapy. I told him to ask about hoarding in therapy because I hate living like this tbh. And he says his therapist doesn’t think he is a hoarder. We tried couples therapy a few years ago to “break down domestic responsibilities” mainly hold him accountable for cleaning. But it didn’t work. He’d basically be like “when you don’t explain why i need to clean something, it feels condescending to me”and “okay I’ll clean (current problem area) and we’ll never talk about it again, are you happy now?” Work on “communication” Over and over.

I swear on my life, this is the ONLY area he behaves and talks to me like this. We’ve known each other 10 years and have disagreements but this is the ONLY fight and he seems…fine with it? And I feel crazy because he is so damn content with what I consider a lot of dirt and mess. He really thinks it’s my problem. I don’t know if I’m nitpicking. If anyone wants to see the pics lmk.

Couples therapy was before the hoarding thing occurred to me though. I’ve only thought this way in the past year. Mostly because I think he always has some excuse, my parents were messy so I’m kind of used to it, I let his excuses ride. But as time goes on I just feel like there are no more excuses and “my” areas of the house are so clean compared to his. I also just miss sleeping in a bed :(

Any opinions or advice would be appreciated since I feel stressed out and crazy on the daily. I’m so tired from working and childcare and I get so sad about the situation and our relationship just becoming THIS, having to “explain” to him why something needs to be cleaned is starting to make me want to cry

My wife is a hoarder and has been for 20 years. Not the type where we have trash in the house but type where she has rooms and closets we can’t use. Kitchen cabinets look like a Jenga game. Water bottles from 15 years ago that nobody uses. High school jackets and coats from 30 years ago It has always been a point of stress for me and I was (am) very contrary .

My two college daughters are starting to see the problem. They come home from college and find their space with additional items that my wife is storing or new things she is hiding from me (their words, not mine). They hate it at home during summer break. They say she doesn’t pick up around the house and it’s always a mess when I leave for work that sometimes requires me to be gone for a week . They see how I do all the floor cleaning, dusting, picking up etc.

Both have told me they now understand why I hate it there too. They understand why I’m always in a bad mood when home . They both were literally crying telling me they can’t take much more at home.

Although I’ve been waiting for this day for them to realize what’s going on , it’s bittersweet. I realize what a messed up home life they’ve had and it’s a terrible feeling.

The good thing from this is they are minimalist. They get rid of everything and anything that they don’t use or want and one is even OCD about cleanliness, organization, and order.

So I guess something good has come from it.

It's something that gets talked about a lot here. I totally have that to some extent, but there is this other weird thing that happens when I clean. The cleaner the house is, the dirtier it feels. Like, I wash my walls every 1-2 years. I did it last January and when this January rolled around, I thought, ya know. Probably doesn't need it this year.I do a deep clean of my kitchen about once a month. I used to do it every day, because I had so much anxiety over things being spotless. I am now going through menopause and just don't gaf anymore.

Anyway . . .

I am doing that this week and I swear that the cleaner the kitchen gets, the dirtier my walls look. If I clean the walls, something else will stand out as being dirty.

It's like it will never be clean enough but there is a certain balance of dirty I can handle. Like not dirty, really but cluttered. A little clutter on a table here or too much stuff on the counter. It all distracts me from every little thing that bothers me. Like there is a stain on my floor, near the garbage can. I thought about buying a bigger garbage can so I could cover it up until we replace the flooring again. When the kitchen is cluttered, I don't notice it at all. When it's meant to be spotless, well, there is that damn spot.

I hurt my back and am in a mood from taking meds, so I don't know if this is a vent, rant, or what. Curious if anyone else has this happen to them and if it's not part of what leads to clutter blindness.

My wife has ADHD, anxiety, depression, and I'm sure some other things as well. She also has hoarding tendencies. She won't throw away trash, keeps glass food containers that she never uses, tries to save used ziplock bags (yuck), piles up recycling and trash together in heaps (so I have to go behind her and sort them), piles knick knacks where they don't belong, picks up new hobbies for about 5 minutes (just long enough to purchase all the tools and never touch them again), collected some cats (3) and dogs (2), just to name a few things. She also waits multiple weeks before doing her laundry (I do my own, plus our daughters most of the time), hardly ever vacuums or mops the floors (so I have to do all of it), doesn't change the litter box, doesn't tend to her garden, does not help with any yard work, doesn't consistently feed or water the animals. Basically if it involves some type of maintenance or cleaning, she rarely ever does it and I'm stuck holding the bag, and every single room in our house is severely cluttered. If there is a surface to put stuff on, she finds it and fills it up, even if it is on top of the freezer you need to access daily.

Well now we have a 7 month old daughter, who is beginning to crawl, and I can't keep the house clean enough or safe enough for me to feel comfortable with the little one exploring. Just yesterday the dogs got into one of her piles and ate a bunch of stuff they shouldn't have while we were at work, stuff that really shouldn't have been within their reach in the first place. One of these dogs has already had 2 foreign body surgeries for things he has eaten. And the bitter irony of it all is I asked her to clean up this specific pile this past weekend. She's worried about the dog now, but not worried enough to not make the pile in the first place.

All that said, I know it's a mental disorder and it's a monumental task for her to overcome it, but I just don't feel like she ever tries and at some point it's not my responsibility to manage her.

I am really considering buying another house (nearby) and moving out with our daughter. I'm not looking to get divorced, as much as I complain I still love my wife and want us to be together as a family, but I just don't think I can live like this and I don't think it is a safe environment to raise our daughter in. She owns the house we live in currently and she bought it before we met, so I have never been able to shake the feeling that this is her space and I'm intruding. I feel like if I have my own house and my own space, I can lay down the rules for its use, and I can keep it clean for our daughter. Is this something that is fair for me to do?

I am fairly young (in high school) and I’m experiencing the beginnings of becoming a hoarder. Not like saving garbage or nasty stuff, but buying and buying and buying things that I like, so much I barely have room any of it.

I have eleven hoarders in my family. My grandparents, my great aunt and her daughter, my 2x great aunt+uncle and their daughter, my great aunts ex husband and current husband, my other 2x great aunt, and my 3x great aunt who was the worst.

It’s never really been taken seriously. It’s always been a thing in the family.

I feel like it’s genetic, but maybe it’s environmental? I don’t live really close to some of these people, but I’ve grown up with them. My 3x great aunt died years before I was born so she’s the only one I haven’t met.

My husband and I recently inherited a family member’s hoarded house. The biggest issue that we are having is cleaning up the yard. It’s a 12 acre property littered with old tires, heavy scrap metal, broken down lawnmowers, old car batteries, and other large items that I honestly don’t know what to do with or how to dispose of properly. We also don’t have a truck or anything to help haul things off. I’ve looked into renting a dumpster, but obviously certain items cannot be disposed of that way. What advice do you have? Should I hire a junk removal company, is the cost worth it?

Hi everyone. I feel a lot of shame about this and I don’t really know how to process it.

About a year ago, I discovered that a large portion of my clothes had gotten moldy/musty. They were stored in a bag outside for months and were exposed to moisture, heat, and rain. I kept putting off dealing with them because I was already overwhelmed in life, and every time I thought about sorting them, it felt like too big of a task. There were also some times that I forgot about them completely.

When I finally opened the bag (during a move), many items were already beyond saving. I ended up throwing away around 40–50 pieces.

I keep replaying it and thinking about how I should have handled it sooner. I feel a lot of guilt because these were things I spent money on and built over years. It feels like I wasted clothes, money, and something I should have taken care of.

My boyfriend saw it too, which made the shame worse. But I also know this is bigger than just the clothes.

Around that time, I was going through a really difficult period in my relationship. My boyfriend had cheated on me multiple times, and I was struggling with feeling hurt, insecure, and unable to leave. I started neglecting my self-care, hygiene, and routines, and felt like I was losing myself.

Looking back, I think I was neglecting myself, not just my belongings.

I also struggle with letting go of things because of money and emotional attachment. That then becomes overwhelming, I avoid it, and the cycle continues.

Even though this happened almost a year ago, I still think about it and struggle with seeing it as proof that something is wrong with me.

Has anyone experienced something similar: neglecting things (or yourself) during a difficult period and then getting stuck in shame afterward?

How did you start forgiving yourself and breaking the cycle?

Hi all, I'm stressing very heavily about a situation regarding my mom and am hoping for advice. Let me begin by saying that I know getting rid of stuff behind a hoarders back is not a good thing and can cause more problems. Well those problems are here.

Long before I was born my mom was part of the MLM Partlylight and she kept all her unsold products in one of my closets. A few years ago I wanted to clear out my closet to have a place for my craft stuff, so I asked her if I could get rid of them, she said no. Later I asked her if I could move them to the attic, again she said no. It was just so frustrating because the candle seemed so cheap and worthless but she was convinced that they were worth a lot of money and that we would use them one day.

Well I got so frustrated one day that they took up so much room that my brother and I threw most of them out. I kept all the glass candle holders and one box of each style of candle, put it all in the attic, and threw the rest out.

Now years later, I'm finally doing a big clean out of my room and she mentioned needing to find a place for all her candles and that they were worth like $10k. I know that's not true, I checked, but she is obviously very protective of these candles that she doesn't know I threw out.

I feel awful. I know I shouldn't have, but it was just so infuriating how stubborn she had been about not allowing me to even move them out of my room that I did it out of anger and exhaustion. I'm so afraid of how mad she will be when she finds out most of them are gone and fear she will never truly trust me again.

My brother has volunteered to take all the blame but I would still feel bad knowing I was a part of it. Any advice is truly appreciated 🙏

I can't believe I'm here again, but I'm back in a bad place. I don't know if I have hoarding issues or if my depression just causes severe executive dysfunction, but I need help in the short and long term getting my shit together. I am a woman in my twenties living in a major city alone with 1 cat. Today, my landlord let me know that someone complained about the smell of my cat's litter box. This has caused me to look at the state of my apartment overall and feel deeply ashamed. I have trash and clothes everywhere and I have a roach problem. I have a hoarding cleaning service I've used in the past coming to help me on Tuesday (currently Friday), but I need advice on what to do in the meantime. I'm worried about the roach issue, but don't know how to deal with it until the junk is cleared and don't want to hurt my cat. What can I do short term and long term to fix things? I don't want to get evicted.

My stepfather owns three houses, and all of them are filled with belongings. It's not just random clutter, though. His younger sister died when she was only 36, and after both of his parents passed away, he became incredibly lonely. I think holding onto their possessions became his way of keeping his family close.

Before he got together with my mom, he was married to another woman. They are separated, but they're still not legally divorced. The biggest obstacle is that one of the houses is supposed to go to his soon-to-be ex-wife as part of the divorce. Before that can happen, he has to remove everything he has stored there.

The problem is that he just can't do it. His ex has threatened to throw everything away if he doesn't get it out. She's super abusive, even threatening him with a knife and a gun. We want him to be able to move on from her and finally finalize the divorce.

He spends hours at the house and genuinely believes he's making progress, but when we check, almost nothing has changed. The house is packed from floor to ceiling. There are piles of fast-food containers and obvious trash mixed in with genuinely valuable items like vintage designer furniture, old musical instruments, professional audio and video equipment, family keepsakes, and other collectibles. Everything is buried together.

We know that if we go in and start throwing things away ourselves, we'll probably destroy his trust and make things even worse. At the same time, watching him live like this is heartbreaking. He's defensive whenever we try to help, and it's clear this is much more than just being messy or disorganized.

We love him and understand that hoarding is a mental health disorder, not laziness. We don't want to force him or shame hi, we just want to help him get unstuck so he can reclaim his life, get divorced, and preserve the things that actually matter to him before it's too late.

How can we help him? What actually works? How do you help someone who wants things to change but seems completely unable to let go? We have a limited timeline because of the divorce and we're actually scared of his ex-wife...

I know that hoarding is a serious mental health disorder, and I am not trying to diagnose myself or compare my experiences to people who struggle with it. However, I have had ongoing issues with keeping my room clean for as long as I can remember.

One of my earliest memories of this is from when I was around five years old. My grandmother and I spent hours cleaning my room because it had gotten so bad. Over the years, there have been multiple times when my grandmother or father have had to help me clean because my room had become an actual safety hazard, with the floor completely covered and the door or windows blocked.

A big issue is that things come into my room but rarely leave. Trash is probably the biggest problem. Wrappers, paper plates, plastic utensils, dishes, and other garbage pile up over time. Whenever my room gets cleaned, whether I do it myself or someone helps me, it's not unusual for more than ten trash bags to come out of it.

Clothes and blankets are another issue. I have a lot of them, and while I'm not emotionally attached to them, I tend to avoid sorting through them because it feels overwhelming. As a result, they just continue to pile up.

Part of the problem is that I often spend a lot of time in my room. My father, stepmother, and I have not always gotten along well, so I would often stay in my room and only come out to get food or use the bathroom. Food would come into my room, but the trash and dishes usually wouldn't leave with me.

I can clean my room on my own now, and I can usually do it fairly quickly. The problem is keeping it clean. I can maintain it for a few weeks, but eventually it always seems to go back to the way it was, no matter how many times I try to stay on top of it.

I recently moved in with my grandmother and will soon have my own room. I really want to keep it clean and develop better habits. I think it will be easier in this environment since I'll be eating meals in the dining room and other people will probably be in my room regularly. Even so, it's frustrating that this has been such a long-term issue, and I would like help understanding why it keeps happening and how I can prevent it from continuing.

So I know of a cat hoarder. This person has 40+ cats living in a one bedroom apartment. The place is an absolute dump. I care deeply about this person and don’t want them to get in trouble. They have a great job and I don’t want them to get arrested. Ive offered to help this person many times but they just get super offended. The cats are not vetted or fixed so they just keep having multiple litters. The cats are not healthy. They see a counselor and the counselor knows about the problem, they take medication for depression and adhd. What else can be done other than turning them in?

Hi there nice people!

I am def lvl 1 hoarder but lately I needed to deal with some.emotional baggages and other stuff and it slowly turns to lvl 2 it seems. I have massive adhd and I have emotional instability. I am mostly having problem with clothes and art stuff and I also don't have a lot of money - financial issues too..

I havea hard time to clean lately but overall I am very disorganized. I want to stop buying new clothes and ve able to clean my blocks of arts and give up on books I don't read. I want to talk about it with someone. I really want help as I am sure I need space to think clearly. I don't know what is blocking me. I am just scared it will go in a loop. Where do I start? I want to trust myself I can do IT alone but maybe I can't. Where would you start?