Four officers show up at my house. Am I wrong for wanting to pause/terminate care?
Would I be wrong for pausing or terminating care after police showed up at my home daycare on the child’s first day because of a custody/communication issue?
For privacy, I will not be giving away any personal information. I will just be referring to the people in the story Mom, Dad, and child.
I recently started providing childcare out of my home, and today was the first day caring for a new child(m4). Important note: this child is my first ever child that I have watched under my at home childcare and this was my first day.
I’m looking for opinions from other childcare providers and parents because I’m genuinely unsure what the appropriate response is.
For context, I know the child’s dad through a mutual friend connection, but I’ve only personally met Dad a few times just this week. Before starting care, Dad told me that he and the child’s mother are separated/divorced. I was not given any details of their custody arrangement and did not know there was an active disagreement regarding childcare.
Dad dropped the child off at my house around 6:30 this morning. Throughout the morning, I communicated with Dad regularly, told him what his child ate and how he was doing, and sent pictures/videos.
Dad came back around lunchtime and picked his child up. Everything seemed completely normal.
About an hour AFTER the child had already left my house, four police officers showed up at my door.
Obviously, I was extremely caught off guard and scared because this has never happened before. I invited them inside and asked what was going on.
They explained that the child’s mother had contacted police because she did not know where her child had been during the day. Apparently, Dad had sent Mom one of the videos I had taken of the child, and she did not know who I was or where her child was being cared for. She contacted police to make sure her child was okay.
By the time officers arrived, the child had already been picked up by Dad about an hour earlier.
I explained everything to the officers, including how I knew Dad, when the child was dropped off/picked up, and that I had been communicating with Dad throughout the morning. My home also has a security system that records the common areas, so I told them that the child’s entire time in my care was recorded if they needed anything.
Here is where I’m conflicted.
Before today, I did NOT know that Mom was unaware her child would be coming to my home. I didn’t have Mom’s phone number or contact information. I also did not know the specifics of their custody arrangement.
Dad had previously told me that Mom could pick the child up from daycare, but that she would need to be added to the authorized pickup list first. He had also warned me that Mom can sometimes be confrontational and told me that if she ever came to pick up the child and appeared impaired, I should contact him or police. I did relay that to the police and the officers stated that if Mom ever came to pick up the child and seemed intoxicated to call the police right away.
After everything that happened today, I learned that both parents apparently still have custody/parental rights. Had I known that beforehand, I obviously would have wanted both parents’ information and clarity regarding the custody arrangement before beginning care.
I can also understand Mom’s perspective to an extent. If I unexpectedly received a video of my child inside a stranger’s house and didn’t know who that person was or where my child was, I would probably be scared too. So I don’t necessarily think she called police specifically to cause problems for me.
However, I’m now extremely uncomfortable being placed in the middle of whatever is happening between these parents.
This is my home as well as my childcare business. My own children are here during the day, and I will have other daycare children here too. Four police officers showing up at my home because of this dispute on literally the FIRST DAY of care really scared me.
I’m also worried about what happens if something like this occurs again while other parents are dropping off/picking up their children. I don’t want other families seeing multiple police officers outside my home and becoming uncomfortable with the daycare environment because of issues completely unrelated to the care I’m providing.
Can someone please tell me if how I’m feel is wrong?would I be in the wrong if I tell Dad that I am pausing care until:
- Both parents information is included in the child’s enrollment paperwork.
-I understand who has legal custody and decision making authority.
-I receive a copy of any custody/parenting plan or court order that affects childcare or pickup.
-Both parents know exactly where their child is receiving care and have my contact information.
-There is a clear written authorized-pickup arrangement.
-Both parents understand that I cannot be placed in the middle of their custody disagreements.
I’m also considering terminating care altogether if this situation appears likely to continue.
I feel awful because the child did absolutely nothing wrong. He did great today, I enjoyed having him, and I would otherwise have no problem continuing to care for him.
At the same time, this happened on day 1, and I’m worried I’m getting an early warning that this family situation could bring repeated police visits, confrontations, custody disputes, or other issues into my home and around the other children in my care.
Would I be wrong for pausing care until the parents get this figured out? And for other home daycare providers, would you continue care after something like this, or would this be enough for you to terminate the enrollment?
Someone please tell me if I’m being too harsh! Your advice is greatly appreciated.
UPDATE and additional context because I’ve gotten a lot of comments:
First, thank you to everyone who gave me constructive advice. Some of the comments were hard to read, but there have also been several people who explained what they would do differently, what their own childcare programs require, and what I should consider adding to my paperwork. That’s the kind of feedback I was looking for.
I also want to clear up some assumptions I’m seeing about my childcare setup.
I am currently an unlicensed home childcare provider. This is legally permitted under the rules applicable to my current setup in my state while I remain within the applicable child limit. I am not operating a large unlicensed daycare with a house full of children.
I am also in the process of working toward becoming state licensed/certified. In the meantime, I am starting very small with private-pay childcare to see how running a home childcare program goes before expanding.
I’m new at this. I don’t know everything, and I’m not going to pretend that I do. Nobody begins a new profession already knowing how to handle every situation they’re eventually going to encounter. Part of why I posted here was to hear from people with more experience than me so I can identify gaps and improve.
One thing I absolutely took away from today is that I should not have allowed care to begin before the enrollment paperwork was completed. That will not happen again.
I’m already updating my enrollment form and Terms & Conditions based on what I’ve learned. I’m adding clearer sections regarding legal parents/guardians, custody/court order disclosures, parental access vs. additional authorized pickup persons, required information before the first day of care, parent communication, documentation, and what happens if conflicting parental instructions or custody disputes affect the childcare environment.
Now for the update regarding Mom and Dad:
Dad called me after I made this post and explained what happened from his side. He also showed me the text conversation between himself and Mom.
According to Dad, he told Mom Tuesday night that their child would be attending childcare with me.
The following morning, Mom asked Dad for my information and the childcare paperwork. Dad told her he would provide it, and the messages I saw show that he did.
Before police arrived at my house, Mom had been given:
My name, my phone number, the address where her child was receiving care, the daycare schedule
Information that her child was currently at daycare, a video update I had sent Dad that morning
In the messages, Mom specifically asked Dad where the child was, and Dad told her he was at daycare. She also discussed the fact that the enrollment forms had not yet been completed.
So this changes my understanding of why police came to my home.
When the officers arrived, my understanding from that conversation was that Mom did not know where her child was, didn’t know who I was, and had called police to make sure he was okay. Based on the messages Dad has now shown me, she had actually been provided my name, address, phone number and information that her child was at daycare before the police were called.
I do not know exactly what Mom told police, what prompted her to call despite having that information, or whether there is additional context I don’t have, so I’m not going to accuse her of lying or speculate about her motives.
I am documenting what occurred and keeping the communications that were provided to me.
When I spoke with Dad today, he told me that he contacted an attorney and intends to pursue full custody because, according to him, this is not the first time there have been issues between the parents.
I made it clear to Dad that I will not involve myself in their custody dispute or take either parent’s side.
Dad has told me that there is currently no court order restricting either parent’s access to their child. Therefore, unless and until I am provided with a court order or other legally enforceable documentation stating otherwise, I will not independently prevent either legal parent from picking up or accessing their child.
If Dad or Mom later provides me with a current court order that affects custody, access, or pickup, I will follow the applicable restrictions at that time.
Dad pursuing a change in custody does not change how I will handle things in the meantime. I am the child’s childcare provider, not the person responsible for determining which parent should have custody.
As far as continuing care, I have decided to not automatically terminate him because of one incident. However, I am tightening my procedures immediately.
Before he returns to care, I will have his completed enrollment paperwork. Both known legal parents and their contact information will be documented, Dad will disclose whether there are any court orders/legal restrictions affecting access or pickup, and I will have clear documentation regarding who is authorized for what.
I also now know that Mom has my contact information and knows exactly where her child receives care.
If this was a one time situation, I am willing to move forward. If the parents conflict repeatedly results in police involvement, confrontations, or disruption to my home and the other children in my care, then I will reconsider whether I am the appropriate childcare provider for this family.
I’m taking the constructive criticism seriously. There were gaps in my intake process, and I’m fixing them.
But being new and having things to learn does not mean I’m unwilling to learn or that I’m operating illegally simply because I’m currently unlicensed.
For those of you who explained what I could do better without attacking me personally, genuinely thank you.