u/No-Reception-91

Ended up having a 4 day lapse. I had extract shots 4 days in a row. After 501 days clean. I feel so ashamed and overwhelmed. I really hope I don’t go through withdrawal. I told my doctor how much anhedonia and depression I’ve had from PAWS. She wrote me an antidepressants that works on dopamine. I hope it helps. I am done with this lapse. I just want to get through this rough time and learn how to live again. I just wanted relief from the PAWS which I know with my history of length of use, it can last anywhere to 2 years. I just am barely motivated or have energy to do anything. So.. I hope the med helps. I hate that I let myself relapse for 4 days… but I’m getting back to it. Just really need some kindness and love right now. My wife knows about the first day but I’ve kept the last additional 3 days to myself. I don’t know how to tell her.

Today would’ve been 502. And I honestly am going to keep counting 503, 504. I don’t want this to be a relapse. Just a lapse. I hit my breaking point with the sadness, the stress of working again, barely being able to survive with mine and my wife’s income, I can’t even get health insurance cause we make too much but can barely afford to live. I haven’t made any friends. I can’t afford therapy anymore. I just feel like all the tools I need are moneys reach away and I don’t have it. I don’t have the energy because I’m still suffering from PAWS. I’ve been under opiate addiction for the better part of 20 years. On and off. I got off hard stuff and switched to kratom in 2019. On and off. Finally went to rehab New Year’s Day 2025 and was sober until today. The world makes me so fucking sad man. I’ve felt this since I was a little kid. And it’s so much worse today. Anti depressants make things worse so I got ketamine iv infusions recently which helped, but I need to utilize other tools. The paws has really been rough on me. I got sublocade last year in March, I tested negative in November. I’ve had horrible paws since. And just having to rush myself back 100 percent into society or we’ll be on the streets is so much stress. I wasn’t ready, not without a support system. My family that’s still alive doesn’t even call me really. My friends don’t check up on me from 2000 miles away. I know they have lives too and are feeling the stress of this world but man…. It’s so fucking lonely. I just wanted relief from it all. And I know where that leads. I plan on going to work tomorrow God willing, going to a meeting right after, and seeing my psych about boosters. But I need therapy. I have so much trauma and cptsd. I got therapy for months in IOP and PHP but once the program was over and my insurance got too expensive it was over. I know I’m all over the place.. and I hate to scare anyone who’s fresh off kratom and here I am over a year and going through this. I have a lot
Of years from opiate abuse, so this will take years to heal from. I just needed to get this out and honestly seeking understanding and love. I know I screwed up
Today. But I don’t want that to tomorrow I’ve worked so hard. God had gotten me so far.. I’ve had some good days don’t get me wrong… but it just built
Up. I know now how important tools and support systems are. Without it, this shit happens.