u/No-Spirit6750

Since before dday last year, my husband had switched from an “as needed” ED drug to a one a day low dose Cialis. At the time, he said he usually didn’t even take it everyday, sometimes spread it out more. After dday, we were having sex more than usual (it was a rarity before dday) and multiple times a week sometimes almost everyday for months. Then naturally things died down for a bit.

Fast forward to this year, he had surgery and didn’t want anything for a month- totally stopped his ED meds. Ever since then, every time we are intimate it’s on a planned day (maybe once months ago wasn’t) with a routine like he showers and is already hard when he comes out (I know he’s not looking at porn).

It finally dawned on me, I think he only wants it planned (he rejects me every time I try spontaneously, either too tired or something else) because he may be taking the pills right before and needs time.

I know he’s hasn’t watched porn in like 9mo after 20+ years. Is his use of meds something that I should leave alone? Or is it ok for me to ask him about it? It just feels like another secret about sex, and I feel like I can’t tolerate. I just want to know if I keep getting rejected because he’s really not up for it, or if he just needs to plan for it. But I don’t want to start a whole thing about it, esp when I have other triggers I bring up rather frequently.

I did get upset after the last rejection… and asked if there’s a reason he won’t be spontaneous and generally said like does he need to prepare and he denied it all. But his reasons that time threw me off versus when he’s just too exhausted at night.

It seems almost every time I get triggered, my husbands instant response is some extreme, unsustainable idea that always makes me feel like my reaction to his actions is the problem. Last night, we were watching the movie the Firm, and I finally worked up the courage to tell him I was getting really triggered not just by the sexual content, but with all of the men treating their women poorly and cheating on them. Just a few weeks ago, I found my husband had a secret account from years ago with a casual hook up site.

His reaction was “we just can’t watch any movies or tv shows anymore!”. Some other responses have been, “I guess we really need to sell this house and move” when certain rooms trigger me because of what he was doing in them, etc. at least this time when I got upset at his reaction, he immediately apologized and said he’s stupid and keeps forgetting. But like we’ve had this conversation at least 10 times where I said that’s one of the worst reactions when I’m being triggered.

And no, he’s not in real recovery, no matter what I say or ask, he’s convinced he doesn’t need anything else at this time…

I randomly looked at my husbands secret email account (he deleted it a few days after dday, and I asked him to recover it and restore the emails. It never worked. But he then never re deleted it). The spam folder had emails advertising double list and telling him to log in. I then went to log in and what do you know, easily reset the password. There’s zero history of activity in his account in terms of messages or posts. In the past, I found evidence of a dating site through a data breach alert and he swears if he ever joined a dating site it was just to look and never to engage.

So my question is, does anyone know if double list actually has adult content that a PA would utilize? If his account is super old, would the history have probably cleared by now?