Feeling so lost
My husband was a PA for our entire 20 year relationship (dating, engaged, married 10 years now) and I discovered his PA last July. He’s been clean since dday, however, it took 6 months to get to a point where alll the secrets were finally out in the open. After a totally dead bedroom for a couple years during pregnancy/postpartum with our first about 6 years ago, then years of him never initiating and rejecting more often than not, I finally figured it all out.
Well, I just gave birth to our second a few weeks ago. I found out I was pregnant only a few days after a huge drunken fight with my husband and I had told him we need to be more careful. Even though I desperately wanted a second child, I knew my body and mind was not in the best place to grow a baby. Fast forward and I just gave birth a few weeks ago. It’s like the past is haunting me and on steroids given the hormones and lack of sleep and also just remembering that during my last pregnant and postpartum he was following hundreds of half naked women on instagram and liking their posts , emailing himself whatever porn links to watch later, and literally refusing to touch me in any sexual way for years.
Has anyone else experienced this? It’s like I’m reliving the grief and unbelievable sadness and anger all over again. It feels like how could I ever forgive him?
It doesn’t help that he becomes super mean with lack of sleep which has resulted in a handful of days where he’s been super mean to me postpartum. However outside of those days he’s been doing as much as he can physically to support and I’ll just say he’s being trying with the emotional support.
Not sure what the point of this post is but I’m just feeling worse than ever. The couple thoughts that keep coming back to me are that within the first days or week of dday he made some comments that have made me SO self conscious postpartum. Something about how he liked my boobs even more now (versus the past when I was much skinnier) and also I at some point asked if he thought u let myself go after our first kid and that’s why he did what he did and ge said I don’t know maybe. He now promises me he didn’t mean those comments but given my postpartum body, it’s all I can think about.
I had a long labor that ended in a C-section and recovery has been tough. And everyday I get upset thinking about how my body will never be the same and definitely will never look like what he was looking at online for 20+ years.
I know I shouldn’t make any permanent decisions while freshly postpartum, but I can’t help but wonder if this is my true feeling and eventually will be best for me to cut ties. Even though I can’t imagine my life without him and he’s been my everything for two decades ….