I showed him the real me and he left
I was seeing this guy for three months. The begging was amazing because I didn't give a fuck about him. Everything changed about a month into the relationship when I started feeling something and he did to. We had very good connection, very similar interests, similar views on life and future, etc. Overall, a very good match. On top of that, I'm pretty sure I was in love with him. I've only been in love once before with my highschool boyfriend and I'm F32.
Anyway, I really liked him, and that's when the problems started. Looking back I never felt so triggered with any of the guys I've been before. I think it's because I really liked him and wanted this to work out. Also he's been in therapy for the past two years and is very self aware, self reflective, etc. While I liked this, it also created an insecurity that I'm not good enough (for him) because we're not on the same level on emotional intelligence.
He understood I'm FA, I would sometimes get into my head, got quiet and distant. I would spiral over how I'm not good enough for him, how he'll see I'm not the person he thought I was and leave. He knew that I'm working on it and said that we're a team, we just need to find a way of communication that works for both of us, how he wants to support me in my process, he said that the "bad" parts (that's how I called them) are also a part of me and he wanted to know them too because that's knowing the real me, and so on. I genuinely felt good and seen with him and though that I could heal my FA in this relationship (while working on it with my therapist). He seemed like he has the capacity to be here for me and support me.
Things got really messy last weekend when we went on a 4-day trip together. I honestly thought I would handle it, but I couldn't. It was too soon and too long.
I sabotaged the trip from the beginning and tested him with the worst version of myself to see if he would really stick around. He didn't.
The trip was just too painful for both of us, to the point that he thought I wanted to break up with him but didn't know how to do it so I tortured both of us. I didn't communicate what was happening to me (I barely understood it because almost everything was a trigger), how I felt, what I needed, etc. I was just quiet and distant trying to understand wtf is happening. I was also dismissive and mean to him and he just wanted to understand and help me.
We managed to have one nice day, and the other three were a shitshow.
We meet a few days after to talk about it. I genuinely though that he would suggest to take some time off to process everything and then get back together as he's the one who kept saying that he really likes me, sees the future with me and wants to be there for me and support me. Instead, he basically told me that the weekend was too much for him and he didn't like the way he felt and how he handle things (some things were bothering him and he didn't express it).
A few days later I wrote him a message explaing everything I was going through in detail so we both get some clarity and explanation. I was expecting to get a warmer answer from him and maybe that he would want to on this. However, his answer was cold and dismissive. Enough to understand he definitely doesn't want to get back together.
Now besides feeling sad, I also feel angry, betrayed, deceived and lied to. I can't wrap my head around his decision to end things when he really liked me, saw the future together, and wanted this to work (his words).
Now I'm second guessing everything he ever said to me and I think that maybe he liked the idea of me and when he saw the real version he realized it's not what he thought. I understand that the weekend was too much but just quit like this? It doesn't make any sense. I think that if he really liked me and wanted this to work out he would find a way that works for him and for me.
I don't really know what with this post. Maybe vent, maybe some comforting words, advice. I don't know.