I don’t know anymore
hi everyone i’ve been a silent reader on here for a while but my anxiety is too bad at the moment and things are feeling too real so i just wanted to reach out and hope fully someone can give me some advice.
FOR CONTEXT:
i suffered with intrusive thoughts as a child and had to seek therapy over these.
i was in a long term relationship for 4 years with my ex partner, who i broke up with as i suffered with what was ROCD for over a year (i have not been formally diagnosed). i seeked therapy who didn’t think i had ROCD but i do have anxiety. towards the end i fell out of love with my ex (even though now my intrusive thoughts are now saying i didn’t fall out of love with him). we were very different and i wasn’t happy.
I’ve had the ex theme already and gotten over it, but i just need to get everything out because i feel like this is the end…
I met someone when i went on a trip to Asia 2 months ago. I didn’t feel physically attracted at first, I got talking to him and naturally we really got on, remembering that makes me feel warm. Throughout the trip we naturally gravitated towards each other , I didn’t really think about the physical attraction but I didn’t fancy him that much, but his personality is what made me gravitate more. We first kissed drunk and I enjoyed it, the second time sober and intrusive thoughts come in like “try and enjoy it”, however that went away and when kissing again I loved it, being intimate I loved it and he’s a beautiful human. We came home, I had flowers sent to my door- not used to it and it felt I had doubts.
I have doubts when I like someone and it feels like I don’t like them. I said to my friend is physical attraction something you can work on? And she said yes if you are willing to work on, and I did. This man treats me very well, makes me feel so safe, has amazing eyes- beautiful even, he is good looking and intimacy is great when I’m present and never felt like I’m forcing it. I’ve had exciting moments where I can imagine being his gf, met his parents and had the best time.
However it’s like I have this blocked feeling, now it was moving forward it feels I can’t, part of it is fear (I think?) I’ve had ROCD before but not been formally diagnosed but I have this concrete FEELING, hardly any thoughts- knowing I don’t like him, don’t like anything about him and knowing this relationship isn’t right for me and feeling I don’t want it
I agonised for days as it felt I was convinced I didn’t fancy him but when I seen him in person I did feel attracted, so that obsession has gone now. I’ve been crying, but it feels everything is gone. It’s this knowing feeling that’s annoying and now I just feel apathetic towards him- when he texts I don’t want to answer, don’t want to see him, feels I’m lying when he texts me saying nice things
Why am I like this? Is it ROCD- it doesn’t feel like it because it just feels a knowing I don’t want this- concrete and real and it’s like I’ve accepted it. I’m avoiding looking at pictures of him, it just feels I know I need to end it
Fundamentally he is EVERYTHING I have ever asked for so why don’t I want it? I feel I do struggle with relationships anyway, but he makes me feel so safe it’s like I get this overwhelming feeling in person with anxiety that knows it’s not gonna go anywhere and struggle to be present
The anxiety also hits worse in the morning as soon as I open my eyes , I feel I’m just blocking everything out and not thinking about him, I don’t want to do anything, just wanna stay in bed, don’t wanna see anyone
So sorry this is long :/