u/NoPossession1314

•Very hard for me to open up and talk about this. Never talked to anyone about the thoughts I've been having since a year or so ago.

I grew up in a very weird, abusive household. I was basically kept inside my small apartment of 9 rooms and 0 privacy for 14 years, and was homeschooled. The only people I interested with were my family, and again,no privacy. We also weren't taught anything about sex/ anything sexual or "revealing" was forbidden (and I mean up to like revealing clothes in a show on a girl for example). I also am asexual, never had sex and only like the idea of it than the actual thing looks (I'm terrified of intimacy), I'm freshly 20 now

My dad was mostly the abuser, my mom the enabler. My dad groomed my mom, she was 12 and him 16 when they met, they dated she was 14 and him 18. You get the picture...Since I was 9 he began to sexualise me, maybe because that's when I began puberty, would slut shame me for nothing, commented on my sister's breast when she hit puberty too, and he'd also would pop his head in the shower when we were showering to "kiss us goodbye" Everytime he went to work and we'd shower. He stopped when I was 13. I can't wear anything revealing or tight fit around him.

Since my parents separated though in 2023, my mom leaving in August if that year, he had truly began to be worse. I even thought he'd rape me from comments he made that made me thought I was about to get assaulted. I'm even scared of him now, I'm pretty sure he has weird thoughts about me and my sister...

Anyways. About around a year ago or so( maybe a tad bit longer) I started to have weird intrusive thoughts about something. I don't remember how it started, but I basically had thoughts of an authority figure being sexual with me in my younger self. Its mostly a parental figure too, though not my direct real parental ones, whether man or woman. Whenever I also fell on hentai depicting a power imbalance between two characters (though not anything with minors but at times unfortunately finding ones bordering on that in the sub context ) I always imagined it was me being taken advantage of/ being abused by the one having authority.

I don't know why I have these thoughts. I can't enjoy myself or be at peace that long since I keep feeling guilty of these thoughts even if it's seeing an image of me / my younger self being taken advantage of. I'm not sure why I have these thoughts. I want them to go away. I did try to ignore them but they always come back. I want to be back to not having these thoughts, but it's almost like feeding the fire the more I think of not wanting to have that.

It's even worse when I know I hate this and the dynamic. I didn't even have any thoughts or regards to these dynamics of "daddy" etc or such thing and now it's ruining my soul. I feel disgusted...I don't know what to do.

Did the sub "crybabyrant" get deleted ?

Help !! Server/ bartender job interview !!

POCD of myself ?