r/intrusivethoughts

My sister and my nephew have officially finished moving in, and I'm just absolutely losing my mind already, as I thought I would.

I can't look at my nephew without feeling attracted and getting groinal responses. He's been walking around with his shirt off and it genuinely feels like I'm attracted to the shape of his body and my brain focuses on his private areas unless I go out of my way to not look at him.

Part of me is struggling to convince myself to use the bathroom after he's used it, because it feels immoral to use the toilet after he sat on it. I've been struggling with a debilitating addiction to p*rn and practice "self pleasure" every single day, and now I don't know how I'm going to do it because it feels wrong to do that while he's in the house. Even if he's in a different room.

I don't trust myself around him one bit. He left the door to the bathroom open earlier and I simply couldn't go back to my room until he left because I'd have to walk by the door and I was scared I'd impulsively look over. I try to just not touch him at all if I can, occasionally even contorting my body in weird ways just to avoid him. I often pretend I have a headache or am incredibly tired and close my eyes simply so that I can't see him.

And, if you have seen my recent posts, I'm convinced I have harmed him s*xually in the past, whether it was a specific intention or not, so I plan to just try and avoid him as much as possible even if it makes people upset. I refuse to allow him in my room, not just because I'm afraid of him messing with my stuff, but because I will not allow there to be an opportunity for him to be alone with me. (A long time ago someone suggested he sleep with me in my room, and I practically screamed no and demanded he have somewhere else to sleep.)

There was also this moment earlier where he wanted to show me something in his room, and I kept having this horrible thought that he was going to pull his pants down or something, and for a second I swear I felt excited despite how much I was panicking. Luckily, it was a spider.

On a slightly more minor note, they also brought their dog, and she's a sweetheart. But I end up getting groinals with her as well when she runs up against my leg looking for attention. And the longer I pet her it makes it feel like it's with s*xual intent.

I've had sexual thoughts about a girl I deemed unattractive. These thoughts suddenly started appearing when she tried to tie her pinky finger with mine. I honestly thought it was weird at first, then she suddenly said how nervous she was and that the only way she could fix it was by doing this cute, foolish stuff. Then I started noticing more about her, and suddenly, all the flaws I perceived in her before are the only things that keep me alive each day. Unfortunately, these horrid thoughts keep appearing. I can't even focus on lectures or while driving, and I don't want to write my sexual thoughts in full detail because I do not want anyone to imagine her in that position. I literally need help to stop this. I feel so ashamed and guilty. Side note: I'm starting to find her attractive too. Whenever she smiles at me, I just can't control myself. I even masturbate just because she touches my knees. Plus, I'm ashamed to admit I'm part of a friend group that heavily focuses on looksmaxing, and those friends of mine are probably the ones who will shame her just because she does not fit this foolish patriarchal standard. But who cares? I like her, or probably I love her. She's gorgeous, kind, smart, blunt, etc. And I'm sick of having these thoughts, even though she literally just passes by and my whole body flinches. I just need some constructive feedback on how to get this over with.