u/crescent-moon2

Im mad as hell i even have to be here. So i had my own place, pursued nursing school didnt have much support so nursing crumble. I lost my place because nursing requires 110% of you.

My brother who lived with me at the tkme never paid his half and when i would vent to my mom she kept taking up for him. When it was time to mkve he didnt even help.

Fast fwd living with my mom. Its been hell. Im stretched thin and my priorities or kids dont matter. I have to bend over backwards for everyone and this morning is a perfect example..

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My mom tells me i cant throw my kids off on anyone, i have to ask, walk on egg shells bs.. but if anything for my brother whos 19 needs to be done im the first volunteer.

So i do 3 drop off in the morning. My daughter, brother and son. I wake up at 6:50. I hear my brother in the shower, good hes up, i get my kids ready by 7:10a. I tell my brother lets go so i can drop everyone off. Hes still in the shower, slows around and argues with me.

\*\*( my brother is on the spectrum and has schizophrenia))

he said he didnt realize he was in the shower so long, everything he does is an accident. Hes going to tell my mom on me and get me kicked out. Cant wait for me to get kicked out..

Needless to say my daughter was late, my brother got to school on time.

Then i received a msg from my mom just cussing me out talking about her livingroom( which was clean) and how i was gonna have to leave if it wasnt clean ect..

Yet i gave my mom money bc she needed it. I have her 100(supposed to go for my brother bc i borrowedfrom him but she needed it and eas ok with it.. yet i still have to pay him the 100 back and not her), 15 and 8.. i told her i needed my money back so i can get everyone off to school.

She only gave me 5 back so i had to call out of work.

Im in a phleb program i only have 2 wks left so i cant cuss her bitch ass out yet.. shes definitely getting cutt off.

Sick of this bitch.. i hate i didnt finish nursing, i hate i have 2 wks left of phleb. I want it over now. Im tired of holsing my tongue and being treated like shit!

I missed worked bc of my mom. I gave her my last and when i asked for it back she only gave me 5 back.. im sitting in my sons parking lot worried i wont make it to mg daughter.

Im worried i wont make it. I have to kiss ass for 4 more days until my phleb program is done.

Theres so much more but i couldnt post it for some reason.

Im mad as hell i even have to be here. So i had my own place, pursued nursing school didnt have much support so nursing crumble. I lost my place because nursing requires 110% of you.

My brother who lived with me at the tkme never paid his half and when i would vent to my mom she kept taking up for him. When it was time to mkve he didnt even help.

Fast fwd living with my mom. Its been hell. Im stretched thin and my priorities or kids dont matter. I have to bend over backwards for everyone and this morning is a perfect example..

---------------------

My mom tells me i cant throw my kids off on anyone, i have to ask, walk on egg shells bs.. but if anything for my brother whos 19 needs to be done im the first volunteer.

So i do 3 drop off in the morning. My daughter, brother and son. I wake up at 6:50. I hear my brother in the shower, good hes up, i get my kids ready by 7:10a. I tell my brother lets go so i can drop everyone off. Hes still in the shower, slows around and argues with me.

**( my brother is on the spectrum and has schizophrenia))

he said he didnt realize he was in the shower so long, everything he does is an accident. Hes going to tell my mom on me and get me kicked out. Cant wait for me to get kicked out..

Needless to say my daughter was late, my brother got to school on time.

Then i received a msg from my mom just cussing me out talking about her livingroom( which was clean) and how i was gonna have to leave if it wasnt clean ect..

Yet i gave my mom money bc she needed it. I have her 100(supposed to go for my brother bc i borrowedfrom him but she needed it and eas ok with it.. yet i still have to pay him the 100 back and not her), 15 and 8.. i told her i needed my money back so i can get everyone off to school.

She only gave me 5 back so i had to call out of work.

Im in a phleb program i only have 2 wks left so i cant cuss her bitch ass out yet.. shes definitely getting cutt off.

Sick of this bitch.. i hate i didnt finish nursing, i hate i have 2 wks left of phleb. I want it over now. Im tired of holsing my tongue and being treated like shit!

For those that struggle with self harm thoughts , ive never self harmed a day in my life, how do you cope with these thoughts?

I have thoughts like ," what if i die" on repeat and yesterday i had a scary dream where i died and left my kids behind and i was talking to a man that already passed and said that the hardest part for his mom was when he took his presence with him.. but he told me that jesus heals and that made me smile.

Im freaking thr hell out. Idk what to do or why im experiencing this. I DONT want to die or anything like that. I feel upset.

Im not sure why.. some things ive experienced are signs on cars like Roms 8 and john 3:16...

You have a friend in jesus..

On my way to work a car whos window said ," child of god"

... Today I got dropped from my phleb class.. and paid and emailed the campus coordinator as i waited i saw a car on the window shield that said , " But God.... ." And it followed me around a bit..

I got rewnrolled back in..

Then just an abundance of "Jesus" plates.

I just wonder what God is trying to tell me.

I also struggle with ocd and intrusive sui×××× thoughts even tho i dont want to do them..

Im on medication and im afraid to go up.. im scared ill hurt myself.. i already made an appt for my Dr..

Please pray God preserves and saves my life and the meds work.

I already scheduled an appointment for my Dr really thinking of upping my meds. Im on zoloft 25mgs,

Been on it for 6 months.. its helped some but i still have scary thoughts.

Mostly suixcxdal thoughts but im not. I love my life and i feel im breaking into the best part yet im plauged with thoughts like ," no sense in buying xy,z if youre not gonna be here" or " what if i need to do this"

I assure you i dont. These thoughts scare me.

Im afraid going up on zoloft will make it worse.....

Please help :(((

I have kids and im worried. I dont want to do anything crazy.

Im on zoloft been on it for about 6 months... stayed at 25mgs.. i have so kuch going in life. Single kom to 2. I work, back to school was hell lol but theyre back. I wake up early 6a to drop my daughter,son and brother off at school.

Go to work ( caregiver) then go pick up kids and 11p pick up brother. Weekends i myself have phleb school so still up early.

So im running on a hamster wheel.( no i have no help no friends or family to take the edge off) ..

So my dilemma is this... im still struggling with suxcxdal thoughts/intrusive thoughts ( i dont want to do it or do anything but the thoughts cause me distress)

Should i up zoloft or add a med? Ill also say i had a rough on board of zoloft which is why i hesitated going up... made me teary and cry, dark thoughts..

Wwyd?

Im looking at 3 im interested in. All healthcare

1. Nursing ( Lpn) its my passion.

2. Occupational therapy. I like how flexible it is

3. Xray tech. The money is absolutely amazing

Okay so.. i tried nursing lpn and my bottleneck was child care and getting my kids where they needed to be. I dont have alot of support im a one man band.

Nursing is my passion, occupational therqpy i feel makes sense bc the job is part time so I can work part time and get my kids no help needed.. also the clinicals for occupational therapy and xray arent as long as nursing and make it more feasible if im doing it alone.

Which should i go with??

Single mom of 2. ( 1 autistic thr other not)I feel like im on a hamster wheel. Get up at 6a, drop kids off, drop my brother off, change and go to work, get off work pick up son and then daughter, then i had to get 6 pair of shorts for my son for potty training tommorow, come in at 6p, thanking God my brother was off tonight or else id pick him up at 11p, i make my daughters lunch

All i have to do is feed kids ... or so i thought..

I look at my daughters folder. She has hwk.. which means I have hwk. Along with studying for Phlebotomy which i have sat and sun from 9 to 13p but its an hour away so i have to leave at 7:30a

I live in a housr when i have to help others ( brothers and mother but its not reciprocated for me) i talked to em abt it. They dont care. Im planning on moving...after phleb school. Only solution

But im scared bc my mental health is tanking. Im on zoloft 25mgs but im kinda having break through anxiety.. been on it 5 going on 6 months..

I just feel overwhelmed ..i feel weak for having anxiety attacks from all of this. Its just driving and getting up early and coordinating but it is exhausting.

Does anyone relate?

Am i wuss for having a panic over this??

So even when i change my password and log in it wont let me back in. I tried twice.

What else can i do? Really liked my old account.