u/Critical-Register639

Hi I’m 18F and I have really horrible gross vile intrusive thoughts and I was masturbating today and I had an intrusive thought about something disgusting, and decided to start masturbating to it to see if I was attracted to it, I’ve done it, and I’m definitely not attracted to it, it just made me feel disgusted and upset, yet I heard people on this app say that if you masturbate to your intrusive thoughts it means you have a paraphilia. I’m really really scared, it’s just a compulsion I think , but please help me. I don’t feel attracted to these things but what if I secretly am??

I posted this already but I’m so worried and no one is replying to me to tell me if it’s genuinely rape or not. I (18f) lost my virginity to a girl (22f), and she was high and didn’t let me know until the day after. She gave me no indication that she was high at all, she acted and looked completely sober. I was so so sick with guilt that I had to go to the hospital. When she picked me up first, she had a joint looking object in her hand but I didn’t really pay attention to it, my therapist said it was because I was nervous as I was in the city with someone older than me whom I didn’t know. But I should’ve noticed, because now I’m a rapist. I’m so upset. She said she remembers everything and loved it and didn’t feel violated at all but I still feel so bad. I didn’t love it at all, I was asking her over and over again if she was okay and if she consented, in which she’d always say yes. having no idea that she couldn’t have consented as she was high. I hated it, she grabbed my neck and whispered horrible things into my ear, but it wouldn’t have happened if I had just realised she was high. I wish she could’ve told me she was high. I can’t live anymore, I personally don’t think rapists deserve to live, and I’ve always thought that, and now that I am one, it goes for me too. I’ve asked my therapist to report me or at least admit me to psychiatric care, but she won’t. I don’t want to live as a rapist. I wish I never got on the train that day, I was ruining my life. I was going to be traumatised and haunted by it for the rest of my life. I should’ve payed attention to the joint she had in her hand when she picked me up. Why didn’t I ask her about it? If I had known or realised or remembered it was a joint, I wouldn’t have had sex with her. I am miserable. I don’t want to live like this. I need to either die or spend the rest of my life behind bars. I’m just so so so miserable and anxious. I wish it never happened, please get me out of this hell, and get me a Time Machine and go back and never match with her. Help

I constantly maladaptively daydream about my favourite shows or characters, and it’s been like this since I was 12, but only about my parent’s view or reaction to these characters, or in my head I’d change them to cater to stuff my parents like. It feels weird and really wrong, especially when my daydreaming turns odd. Is there a psychological explanation to this? Please answer if you can, I feel horrible lol