u/Important-Swim7006

cw for sexual discussions, I’ll keep it vague

hi, Ive been struggling with a very specific intrusive thought related potentially to both SOCD and POCD and I was wondering if anyone else deals with it? I just want to feel less alone I think. I don’t need reassurance on this topic, I’m luckily very certain at this point that I am not attracted to children, family members, etc—and that thoughts are only thoughts.

however, a big one I’ve been struggling with lately during intimate time both solo and with a partner is the presence of family photos in my bedroom—especially those of children I’m close with—I don’t know why, but whenever I am engaged in either activity, I have this BURNING urge/compulsion to look at the pictures. It’s to the point I’ve begun avoiding intimacy (I’m trying to stop this because I know it would be encouraging it!)

I believe the fear itself comes not from the idea of being attracted to the content of the photos themselves, but for any unintentional physical response I may have when looking at them/the idea of using the photo for gratification. I know mechanically the body can become aroused by anything the brain finds shocking, but it still feels gross to me and i was wondering if anyone struggles with anything similar? I oddly don’t find this same issue with photo albums in my phone, possibly due to the ‘out of sight out of mind’ factor, but I have also at times struggled with intrusive thoughts or urges to look at those images during intimate times as well.

this is gonna be a lot but im gonna try and sum it up

i (19F) have been diagnosed with ocd since childhood. I have also experienced cocsa.

in my teen years I had a character I would project horrible scenarios onto involving my traumas, such as sexual assault trauma. it got to a point when I was 18 however where I realized it was getting excessive and I was also worried it would unintentionally further condition me to associate sex with violence and abuse, something I already struggled with. in any case, I dropped this bad coping skill. only after dropping it did I begin to obsessively worry over potentially becoming or being perceived as a pedophile. for months I felt sick and anxious all the time, constantly doubting myself. after getting medicated, these thoughts died down and ultimately went away for quite some time—a long enough stretch that I can confidently say the thoughts were ocd. I eventually stopped the medication I was on due to some issues I had with it. for a while I was fine, but after reaching 19, the thoughts came back, MUCH worse this time.

initially, I just felt guilty over my past coping skill and kept seeking reassurance that using dark fiction to cope didn’t make me a monster. however, it eventually evolved into constant sexual compulsions where I forced myself to masturbate while I was being mentally assaulted by intrusive thoughts to test if I was really attracted to them. sometimes I’d try and do exposure therapy with cute videos on my phone, but usually wind up getting uncomfortable and having to turn the video off—and then masturbating to stop whatever groinal response I was having.

however, I’ve been feeling more and more confused lately. sometimes the thoughts are feeling more like fantasies, never of me acting out on my thoughts necessarily but just any sexual thought involving a child. sometimes a thought will feel REALLY arousing, to the point I can masturbate while thinking about it, even though the whole time im still also upset and anxious and wish it would go away. I hate seeing kids because i know there’s a chance I’ll think about them in a horrific way later and the idea of potentially enjoying it even if i also hate it makes me want to vomit.

I am in therapy and returning to medication and praying that the thoughts stop, but I’m so afraid that they wont. I’m so afraid that I had some sexual perversion about children all my life and that it’s finally surfacing. I can’t stop confessing and explaining my every thought and fantasy to my friends because I don’t want to feel like im keeping a sick attraction secret from them.

please, if this is really not ocd, just tell me. please. I can’t take it anymore.

content warning for topics relating to pocd/exactly what the title says.

im 19F and am diagnosed with ocd that really only started to affect me recently. its gotten a lot better but I believe im in the middle of a spike.

before I get into anything else I want to say I am thankfully at the point in ocd treatment where I know intrinsically I am *not* attracted to children. I’m not worried about that.

however, when I *was* in the thick of worrying, I’d spend hours trying to do exposures at home through normal kid videos. I struggle with masturbation as a compulsion, so I’d usually get way too anxious, turn the ERP off, and then give into that compulsion to get rid of a groinal response/try to see if id have an intrusive thought about the erp during and therefore ”prove“ I was attracted to it. at one point, i was obsessing over a fear that id one day masturbate to an erp video to the point I “tried” to (honestly, I just like physically touched that area of my body for a second then freaked out and stopped because obviously I don’t like it)

none of these compulsions have occurred again nor do I want them to or wanted them to happen at the time they did. im more stuck now on the fact that they HAPPENED at all because I’m scared that I have to confess it/that I am a danger because of these things. I have no desire to harm children. I have no desire to view abuse material or even abuse or manipulate normal material of children. The idea of all these things makes me sick. however, I guess my OCD mainly keeps me in the trap of thinking that I am using it as an excuse for immoral behavior.

so I guess what I’m asking is AM I misusing the label? this may be reassurance seeking so I won’t be surprised if the post doesn’t stay up, but any advice is appreciated.

hi. will probably delete this at some point. for some context, I 19f and my boyfriend 20m are both between houses at the moment while we wait on our new house to be finished renovation, and one of my long time best friends, 19m offered to let us use his bedroom until it’s ready. while he didn’t initially specify not to be intimate in the bed, he did ask us not to after my boyfriend made some joke about it. i will admit we did do things but not in the bed as I have respect for my friend and his space. however, the other night while I was just playing on my phone and my boyfriend was kinda feeling me up a bit, he takes it upon himself to start performing oral on me. he’d also used his fingers on me in the bed previously even after I’d expressed distress about him doing so in my friends bed (I said something along the lines of “please go wash your hands, this is my friends bed dude”) now I’m at a difficult place. I’m not mad at my boyfriend because obviously I was more than capable of telling him no in the moment and I didn’t, only expressing distress afterwards. there was no mess left on the bed from anything he did and honestly there’d be no way of knowing anything happened once I wash the bedding before we leave. am I overreacting? do I confess to my friend? I don’t want to risk losing a very important relationship over something that might not even matter, but then again, it shouldn’t have happened at all if I really valued the relationship. let me know.

hi, I’m gonna try and keep this brief because the post keeps getting taken down and idk why

cw//mentions of pocd and cocsa trauma

im 19f and a survivor of sibling cocsa and child abuse since I was between the ages of 4 and 12. I engaged with some pretty dark fictional writing due to an inherent desire to be back in the position of a victim/the fact that my first exposure to intimacy was done in this manner. i eventually quit this bad coping mechanism eventually however but I continue to ruminate on whether or not liking such topics in nsfw fiction was morally reprehensible and it’s what ultimately kicked off my first spiral. more recently however, I was attempting to ignore groinal responses during ERP via a funny video compilation of kids but wound up caving and checking/testing my groin to see if I was aroused/would be capable of seeking gratification from the material. I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling like a monster. any advice in stopping the rumination loop is appreciated

hi, I’m gonna try and keep this brief because the post keeps getting taken down and idk why

cw//mentions of pocd and cocsa trauma

im 19f and a survivor of sibling cocsa and child abuse since I was between the ages of 4 and 12. I engaged with some pretty dark fictional writing due to an inherent desire to be back in the position of a victim/the fact that my first exposure to intimacy was done in this manner. i eventually quit this bad coping mechanism eventually however but I continue to ruminate on whether or not liking such topics in nsfw fiction was morally reprehensible and it’s what ultimately kicked off my first spiral. more recently however, I was attempting to ignore groinal responses during ERP via a funny video compilation of kids but wound up caving and checking/testing my groin to see if I was aroused/would be capable of seeking gratification from the material. I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling like a monster. any advice in stopping the rumination loop is appreciated