r/AskAnOCDTherapist

EDIT: this was not the start. previously in my relationship when i saw a potentially attractive guy i used to double check to see if i actually found him attractive and used to feel relief when i saw him as 'meh'. then in january this happened for the first time, i saw a guy for probably a second, not even clearly, and my brain generated thoughts and feelings which i did not like. i cried over it that day and probably the next. this really stuck to me and i preferred staying at home so i wouldn't be exposed to things like this.
then one day before i saw THIS guy again, i saw a handsome guy on a reel and felt that stuff again. but that same day i met my bf after a long damn time and it was one of the best days.

i've been dating my bf for almost a year now and it had been going pretty great but then we went into LDR at the start of the year and things haven't been that great
on feb 28, i went to college and saw a guy for probably a second, i thought he was attractive and my heart gave a reaction and i became hyperaware of myself. i was so distressed by this i cried the whole day and the next. the coming week i had to see him, so i whenever i saw him i kept monitoring my reaction to him, ruminating about, building situations thinking what i'd do if i were put into them, constantly debating w myself in my head. on the last day of that week i came to a conclusion that i liked him. it been about 3 months since then and i don't know how i reversed that shit, but yeah i did.

i wasn't doing all that great for the next month either, but it kind of toned down the week before i had to see him. in april i had to see him again for my exams, but it honestly went great. i would give my exams in the same hall as him and then go to meet my bf after the exams got over, on the same day. and it was so good, i literally did not care about him because i was so happy with my boyfriend.

a lot of other things happened and my OCD latched onto quite a lot of different things, main focus being me possibly cheating and the other mostly being about my bf's past mistakes.

but then one day i just got a thought, what if this guy sends me a request, what would i do?
then i started freaking out over it. for the whole day. i told myself i know my brain would think of it as a 'sign'. then at night before i was sleeping, i was doing chores and throughout i couldn't stop thinking about how i could possibly cheat at my future workplace. i was crying and distressed and in a really bad state, then i checked my phone and i got a request from someone who looked just like this guy. i thought it was him. i got happy and thought of leaving my bf.

it was so bad. i don't even know. i don't even know what to do. i don't know how to think of him as a 'random' guy.
and to clarify, i genuinely don't care if another guy approaches me, no matter how he looks, i always act in accordance with my values. i don't engage with them or lead them on at all.

since that day, the day i thought i got his request, my mind has not been able to let go of this guy. it keeps fixating on him. literally. i blocked his profile on instagram after this day though.

and this request thing ... it happened again. i thought i got a request from him and my brain immediately went, you should leave your boyfriend and be with him. and it felt like me. not my OCD.
i don't want a life with him. i don't even know him. and i don't even want to. but how much of this am i even supposed to overlook and call my 'ocd'?

i don't want to leave my boyfriend or break up with him because of my fixation. he is my firsy boyfriend, and i want him to be my last. i want a long life with him. he is all i've ever known and all i want to know.

i want to get out of this. i don't know what to do.
please help.

hi, i had posted earlier as well but i don't know...

there has been something on my mind, a guy, who i haven't interacted with. i saw him for maybe less than a second, became hyperaware around him, found him attractive and felt my heart beat a little different, and the day this happened i cried for probably the whole day and the day after. i had seen this guy last semester as well and i did look at him then too but i did not care then, as i was regularly meeting my bf and i did not see this guy again after that day in the last sem.

for the next week i kept monitoring my reaction to him and on the last day i concluded that i liked him. i don't know how i reversed that but i did.
from this day my fears kept changing, from this guy to fearing i'd cheat on my bf at my future workplace or something else, and also jumped to me constantly being reminded of his past mistakes and being tormented over it.
in april when i had to see this guy again for my exams, i saw him then went to meet my bf, and when i met my bf, i did not care about this guy at all, i was so happy with my bf.
but recently my mind has not been able to let go of this guy. i don't know why. it keeps making me think if he likes me and if i want to be with him and shit like that. no, the fuck, i don't wanna be with him.
also: i purposely dressed bad so that he won't notice me or think i look pretty.

i met with my boyfriend today and it was honestly so wonderful. i really want this guy to be my husband. i want to get married to him, i want to have kids with him, i love everything about him, i love the way we are and i love the comfort he brings me. i literally love everything about us :( i genuinely do.
i don't know why my mind has not been able to let go of this dude.

there was a time like 2 weeks ago, i was extremely distressed the whole day thinking of getting a request from this guy, like very distressed and kept thinking about how my brain will think it's a 'sign'. then ate night i was crying a lot thinking about how i could possibly cheat at my future workplace with people i don't even know exist and how my bf does not deserve this. then i opened my phone and saw i got a request from a guy who looked like him ( it wasn't really him ). i got happy and immediately thought of leaving my bf and this guy and me exchanging an 'awkward hey'. i was so tormented by the reaction i had. that was literally so fucked up of me. it makes me think i can't trust myself. after this i blocked him lol.

i don't wish to interact with this guy and neither am i interested in being with him, i am extremely happy with my boyfriend.
the state i felt after meeting my boyfriend was honestly so ... the thoughts came even when i was with him but i thought ... but then when i came home i thought how stupid of me to think i would trade this for anything at all.
the thought that 'this other guy likes me' brings me a lot of anxiety, and my brain keeps throwing me 'you should be with him see, he likes you'. i don't actually want to be with him or do anything with him. in fact when i imagine doing shit with him i often think 'i wanna go back to my bf'. but these are all my imagined scenarios ...
but then i get into these 'states' during the day ... when i keep thinking that my mind is trying to make me think i want this guy. sometimes it feels so real. and it really brings out the worst in me.

and the way it comes on it's like, i am extremely convinced one second then the next i am like, what the hell was that? i am so scared i might do something in these states.
my baseline with my boyfriend is : i feel like i belong with him, i am happy with him, i am happy when we are together and i love his smell and everything about him.

i genuinely want to spend my life with my boyfriend. i also feels like he emotionally regulates me. but i love what i have and i don't wanna ruin anything.
i also feel like this guy is a placeholder, but i have spent a considerable amount of time ruminating on this thing, since 28 feb, although there were plenty of other things in between. and even before, before this there was another guy i saw for 0.5 seconds and my brain threw some really bad thoughts and i felt extremely guilty over it and cried for 2 days as well. but after this, my mind kept focusing on my bf's past mistakes, although the rumination stopped when i met my bf for a short while.
i really want to forget about this and let go of this and live my life with my boyfriend.
the life i had before. when none of this happened.

i would also like to note i can very easily imagine rejecting other guys about any advances that they may make towards me. and i have, every time someone has.

chatGPT told me, since he does not have any real significance in my life, if i disengage with thoughts of him i will make this guy irrelevant and hence - not care about him.
the only thing i want is to not care about anyone else and be happy with my boyfriend. really.

can i please get some advice? i really want to live a good life with my boyfriend !

honestly it also feels like i am reengaging into this by writing it out.

In a current flair up of real event ocd. I guess I am doing better than expected. I feel that I am close to moving on but I am hung up on ruminating about the police coming or going to prison. I really want to finish this chapter of real event ocd and move on with my life. Any advice or tips to tackle this?

May is Mental Health Awareness Month — and we want to use it to have the honest conversations about OCD that don't happen enough.

Whether you're dealing with intrusive thoughts, OCD-related shame or guilt, or just struggling to be kind to yourself, we're here for it. Licensed NOCD therapists are live today answering your questions in real time on r/AskAnOCDTherapist.

📅 May 14 | 4–10 PM EST / 1–7 PM PST

Drop your questions below. Nothing is off limits. 👇

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So I’ve (23F) have had three colds this year. I work with kids so when they get sick I do too, it’s just inevitable no matter how many precautions I take. The first time I got sick, I had this feelings like I was high all the time and nothing felt real. After I got better, it never really went away. I got sick again and it got worse. This past week, I started getting a head cold once again. On top of that, I just got a new cat that I’m highly allergic to, so head cold on top of pet allergies has not been a fun combo. The high feelings are really back now and I can’t figure out if it’s a health problem or just a result of a lot of stress and anxiety. It’s important to note that I do have health OCD. Any minor discomfort or odd feeling in my body can cause me to worry. I’ve also just had a really hard year so far in general— grandmother passed, dog died, got rejected from grad school after a year of preparing, financial struggles, family struggles, etc. This year in general has been really difficult so I definitely have a lot of things stressing me out and causing high levels of anxiety, and me being sick constantly has added to it. Could this disassociating feeling I keep feeling be from stress or should I see a doctor about this? I haven’t smoked in a while and I’m not on any medication. The high feeling comes and goes randomly, not always when I’m anxious, but anxiety definitely makes it 100x worse. It’s hard for me to distinguish a genuine medical problem over me just being anxious and creating panic when panic isn’t needed, so any advice would be great!

Avoidance is a common compulsion among people with OCD. What people often don’t realize about it is that the relief you feel from avoiding something is exactly what keeps your anxiety coming back.

Think about something you’ve been dreading or avoiding. What if you decided that you don’t have to deal with it right now? You might feel a sense of**immediate relief,** as your body calms down, knowing there’s one less thing to worry about.

### The catch with avoidance
But here’s the catch: avoiding that stressor doesn’t actually make it disappear. Eventually, you still have to face it in some way.

The relief of avoidance is temporary; it creates the illusion that the problem is solved, when in reality, it’s keeping you stuck in a **cycle of avoidance.**

### Why avoidance can be tricky with OCD
For people with OCD, avoidance can be especially tricky to identify because it doesn’t always look like a “classic” compulsion.

When you hear “compulsion,” you might think of actions like **hand washing, checking, or asking for reassurance.** Avoidance, on the other hand, can be seen as a form of inaction, or not doing something.

But the function is the same: **Avoidance is still a compulsion** because it’s an attempt to get rid of anxiety. Anything that attempts to reduce distress in the short term reinforces the OCD cycle in the long term, whether it’s action or inaction.

### The slippery slope of avoidance
Another difficult thing about avoidance is  that it can seem protective, like you’re doing the right thing by staying away from something distressing.

But it’s a slippery slope:

• It might start small: *”I’m going to pass on going out tonight, just in case I end up feeling uncomfortable.”*

Over time, it can grow bigger, limiting your functioning and impacting your quality of life: *”I won’t leave the house at all.”*
### What to do instead
Start by recognizing avoidance for what it is: **a compulsion.** Then, begin to gently do the opposite of what OCD wants you to do. This doesn’t mean jumping into your biggest fear. Start small:

• Stay a little longer
• Engage a bit more
• Resist the urge to back out

You can also practice **allowing anxiety to be there without trying to get rid of it.** Instead of asking, *“How do I make this feeling go away?”* try shifting to: *“Can I handle feeling this, even just for now?”*

### Final thought
With time and practice, these small steps toward resisting OCD can help *retrain your brain.* You can learn that anxiety is uncomfortable, but not dangerous—and that you don’t need avoidance to get through it, because the feeling will eventually pass on its own. **That’s how the cycle starts to break.**

-Sophia Koukoulis, NOCD Therapist, LMHC

there was a guy in my college that i thought i liked, i saw him for maybe a second and felt my heart beat different became super hyperaware of aware of myself, then that whole day i was just crying really badly thinking i had betrayed my boyfriend by feeling this way.

then i constantly saw this dude for a week and i became hyper monitoring my reaction what i felt after i was done seeing him in college. i constantly felt like sleeping in order to not hear my own thoughts. from the moment i woke up till the time i went to sleep i used to think about this

and for a day or two i had so many damn bad thoughts. that there are 'better' people in the area, that i 'like' this guy. on the last day i looked at him and he saw me looking i quickly looked away embarrassed

that day i was sure as shit i liked him.

i don't know how it reversed. but it did. everything was so bad

i even thought of breaking up w my bf. lol glad i did not !

anyways,

it moved onto different men, men in movies shows reels etc etc. next day it latched onto a random buff old guy i saw. i knew i looked at him in the wrong way.

it had become better slightly

when i had exams in april. i didn't care abt anyone anymore it felt like. i didn't care abt that dude i didn't care about other men. it felt good and i was meeting my bf after exams we were spending time together and it felt so heavenly it felt so great !

then yeah exams ended and i thought it's over

then chatGPT told me he can also be in ur head

turns out it was true. i won't see him for a long time now until i have to go to clg once again. there's a long time for that. but i think abt seeing him in different places. i don't know what my mind will think. i wish my brain was loyal. i wish i didn't care abt this in the first place

when LDR started, i was isolated. i kept getting reminded of my bf's past mistakes and it hurt me and affected me so much i was gonna break up with him. but then i met him for a short while and it all went away. i was really happy.

yeah

it was a cycle

-one mistake, then another, then another - just constant reminders

-then i also started getting really worried abt how i would be in my future workplace

-i am really scared of affairs.

-and i was also worried about who i might see when i go to classes again w my bf

2025 was so much better to me.

i just want peace and relief from all of this

now i keep getting thoughts of this same guy

a few nights ago i was crying badly and really distressed and sad that in my future workplace i would want to do something w another guy and i was so stressed n sad over it bc it honestly felt true then i opened my phone and saw that the same dude had sent me a req ( it wasn't him - someone who just looked like him) that previous day also i was scared that what if he sends me a req how will i react what will i think of it what will i do what would my reaction be

i think a few days ago i had thought that if he sends me a req i know my brain will think of it as a 'sign'

yeah then i saw the req 30 secs after i was crying and i got happy and thought of leaving my bf and also thought of how we'd send each other an awkward hey

it does not make sense at all i have not talked to this guy or i have not interacted w him i don't plan to i don't wanna be near him i don't wanna do anything w him anything whatsoever

my brains gives me a thought 'sign' and i can't let go it sometimes

i want to be with my boyfriend forever. like please!

i have been meeting up with my boyfriend after my exams and it's been going really good i feel really happy for the time i am with him i feel really great

but today as well after having met my bf i imagined getting a request from this guy and my default reaction was 'omg yes finally now i can be with him'

i have been trying to disengage and it was honestly working, but this keeps being my default reaction.

why does my mind choose a random guy over my bf, my bf who i've loved for 12 months almost, and that guy? i haven't even talked to him or interacted in any way. i probably might've even seen him for 2 hours if i accumulate the time

this guy seems to be the main center of my problem now.

i honestly wish that my OCD changes themes just to get this to stop. i just want to be happy with my bf without having to worry about abt this.

and whenever i think of saying no to that guy in my imagination if he asks me out, my brain always immediately thinks 'missed opportunity'. my brain keeps making me think i'll only be with my bf until this guy asks me out.

i want to be happy with my bf without having to care for other people, please

i want this to stop, i don't want to be with him and i just want to be with my boyfriend like how i was before, i'm literally so happy and content when i am with him. he's literally my person and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

does anyone have any advice?

i want to get out of this, please help me