How does love work when mentally ill?
I (27F) recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. In the past, that has led to me rushing into relationships with people I didn’t like. Now that I’ve met a girl (about 3 months ago) who I believe is worth it, I want to take it slow and figure out what our connection really is.
I feel like she‘s better for me than anyone I’ve dated before, being in her presence doesn’t trigger my anxiety, she’s genuinely a heartwarming person, I like to talking to her, we have amazing sexual chemistry, and many other reasons. It’s still difficult, I have so much trouble reading my own feelings. I don’t know if I’m in love yet (or even getting there) but last week we spent about four days together. During those days my feelings were very intense and growing each day, I thought I felt about ready to commit to a relationship even though I had a panic attack when those feelings be came too much. She helped me get through that though.
After those four days, my feelings suddenly became a lot less. It went from “I like her so much” to “I guess I like her a littleeee bit”. I had other things on my mind as well and haven’t been in the greatest mood, so I thought that was it but when I saw her again yesterday it barely changed. I do feel something, but not enough anymore and I don’t know what changed. Maybe it’ll come back (likely), but I don’t understand this process.
I wouldn’t want to lose her by making the mistake of downplaying what we have whenever my feelings “shut down”, but I also don’t want to get into a relationship before I’m sure. This going back and forth is taking up so much of my headspace, that it’s almost driving me insane.
Is any of this normal, relatable, or anything like that? I want to get out of the spiral but am aware that may also come with conclusions that I wont like.
May also be good to know that OCD could be in play as well.