r/mentalillness

I am not sure if its anhedonia or not, though I feel extremely off. Here are some notes I took

"Insane laziness for the most simple things. Like writing something down.

Always bored no matter what I do

It would solve a problem to move something slightly to the left. And something overcame me making me not want to do it. Idk if it was laziness. Just a semi truck hit of indifference.

Somethinf can sou d like a good idea and then 2 secs later I opt to not do it.... just bc i quickly completely dont care anymore

Sometime I feel like I am going to die of boredom, or apathy

Im pacing desperately trying to find something to excit me ir engage me.... or maybe just something I care about "

What might this be and what has worked for you if you ever found yourself in a similar boat?

the other day i accidentally spilled my bendy. (I know i know. irresponsible) Well basically im a teacher for 2nd graders and sometimes i wear a dress with a pouch in the chest that my children call the kangaroo dress. So, i was attending a Gabriel Simpson launching party for my school. And i have ben struggling with bendy abuse for the longest while now. I think the fingolimod in it is what makes it so addicting. Well the room was black and white with black spots flying everywhere so i was tripping around and spilled my bendy bottle into the entire punch bowl. I had an irrational reaction. And im really ashamed of it. So i started throwing shit, like actually destroying the platters of food and all of the punch bowls thinking which one went wrong. next thing i know theres 19 kids behind me drinking punch and now all of them are on fucking bendy with fingolomid. Yikes. How do i explained this to their parents? Now that theyre all seeing in black and white? I was actually throwing a fit over the lost bendy instead of keeping an eye on those YNs so i guess it serves me right.

I can't stop blaming myself and I still struggling this things. I need help.

18M. For the background, there might be something biologically wrong with my brain, and people around me feel it as well. I've also never fully socially integrated, and I didn't want to. The majority of those around usually say I am difficult to talk to, but it's really not a problem for me. I was born and am living in relatively poor conditions with no ability to leave due to financial issues.

The problem is, since there is something wrong inherently, it seems like my body figured me as an outlier, socially, and is trying to get me to kill myself so I would not be a threat to the peace of the community and others around me. Additionally to that, maybe because over the years my positive attitude and hard work has not gotten me anywhere, and now it almost feels like my brain rejects any thoughts about future happiness because it knows it's unattainable and instead encourages me to give up to finally rest.

Every time I try to distract myself from these thoughts, they get worse, with extremely unbearable dread, to the point where I might be entering some sort of a psychotic state and unwillingly hit my head against surfaces (this resulted in a concussion once).

The only thing that has worked to make me feel better so far is drugs. As you can guess I suffer from substance abuse, and I feel like my death will come as overdose, where my hands would intentionally make me consume a dosage too high so that I wouldn't protest and save myself because I'd think of it as just getting high.

The closest I'd compare this to is that one story of a guy who froze to death somewhere in Russia in the middle of the forest while trying to prove something to his girlfriend while documenting everything on a forum. Everyone there called him an idiot for going to a completely deserted place in -30C with minimal preparation and called it a suicide asking for him to call the emergencies and go home, which he didn't listen to because he wanted to appear strong. --> I agree with a later commentator to this whole situation who said he was suicidal and this whole ordeal was just his body's way to bypass the survival instinct, because it was the cold that killed him in the end.

I wrote this post to establish to myself that dying is not my conscious choice, but it will happen, I don't know why, and the scariest part is that I probably won't fight it. I have been to a therapist before, but they all seem to believe I actively want to die when it is not the case. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you

i need to be cleansed of my past mistakes and the only way i can cleanse is by burning my hand that caused the mistakes. i dont want to say what the mistakes are. its like in old times when they cut off a hand when someone stole. i cant burn my hand bc it hurts too bad but i feel that the wrath is coming down on me. i can alr feel it. theres a foreboding and i can feel doom coming for me. my mom says it wont happen but im worried that she is sent by something else to intercept the will of god. i dont want to die but i can feel it. bad things are coming. i need help please please please im scared i really scared i dont want to be alone while its happening

I have a friend who writes books and has for years. It’s creative fiction, mostly sci-fi types. There is one character who has appeared in every novel she’s ever written, for the most part. She talks about this character as if she is going to meet him one day. She is definitely in love with him, but she says she has never met him before. She literally expects him to show up in her life and marry her. As if some supernatural force gave her the knowledge of him. What are your thoughts?

Sometimes when I'm hanging out with my friends or a teacher is talking to me, I'll get thoughts (not urges) of harming them, like slapping someone or pushing someone onto the train tracks. Afterwards, my body will shudder as if my thoughts became real life. I'm never angry or emotional when I get these thoughts, and I definitely don't agree with them. So why does this happen?

I have recently been suspecting I may have OCD. I have very intrusive thoughts (violent/sexual) and they are extremely distressing to me. I dont have any physical compulsions/rituals so I have always ruled it out, but I have mental rituals if that makes sense? Like I will have a completely unwanted intrusive sexual thought about someone and I will either sit there and obsessively convince myself I didnt think it, or the worst is I will convince my brain that my husband or someone else thought it first and my brain is just feeding off their “vibes”. I know how unhealthy it is and it is slowly ruining my relationships because I will project my intrusive thoughts onto other people around me and then think they are horrible people for thinking that. Does this sound like OCD?

My mom's got issues, ive always known shes got issues and I know it's because of me

Recently she was just kinda manic and dazed and almost let something really dangerous happen. I didn't try ti confront her or anything but i guess i looked too silent and peaceful cuz she decided to go off on me

She went on and on, saying her backs hurts, she needs more painkillers, that docters and therapists dont know anything, that I don't care, asking over and over again what I thought was wrong with her, how everyone hates her and she should kill herself, ect

I'm honestly so damn tired. For a while I thought she had bipolar so I thought she couldn't help it, i was told this by every therapist i went to for myself as an excuse for every horrible thing she's done. Turns out it's not true, she has a diagnosis for depression and is on medication for it, and is taking other medicines because she "needs them"

My whole family sucks, i can tell we're all mentally ill, but my mom specifically perpetuates it so much. She let my brother groom and grope me, she's been negligent to me since birth, i never went to a proper school, she's a hoarder and buys so much shit every day, she's taken me to so meny so called "therapists" That she was in cahoots with and knew everything i said, who tried to get me on meds at 8 to get me to "stop being so annoying and needy ", she's guilt tripped me so meny times on killing herself

Its horrible to say, but i dont care anymore. I dont care if my mom kills herself. She's made me cry and sob apologiseing thinking she would, then laughed in my face.She is a women who has struggled, but i dont care

She's gonna say it again soon to get a reaction out of me but I really, really have no fucks to give

I don't care

Since a week ago my girlfriend has been having extreme crisises, she went to the hospital but they couldnt let her stay. I suspect it has something to do with two main things.

One is her home and her mother.

The other is medication.

She is supposed to take 150mg of fluvoxamine, 1,5 mg of Delorazepam, 40mg of latuda and 100mg of lamotrigine.

She used to have crisises less often, but lately during crisises, when my girlfriend is too fucked up to react, her mother gives her 3mg of delorazepam and a lot of clotiapine (i dont know how much) without the psychiatrist's input.

I am scared, I dont know whats happening, she's too disassociated to actually tell me what happens during those times. Two days ago she actually had a horrible reaction to the dose of clotiapine. Her psychiatrist treats her horribly and her mother doesnt want her to change it, she just started again talk therapy but because her mother told her to start with diagnostic tests, she is currently focusing on that and her sessions are made up of making tests. She hates the tests because they make her feel like a failure, and her mother tells her she is schizophrenic (which she is not, she has intrusive thoughts), then bipolar, then bpd. Last time she had diagnostic tests they clearly said she was not bpd, but had mdd and is autistic.

I dont know what to do can someone tell me if I'm seeing things wrong? She has been in a depressive episode the past 7 months. How do I help?

I’ve decided to starve myself today but the pain doesnt go away only temporarily does it distract me from it.

Having a very bad day. Physically exhausted from my brain. Overwhelmed, overstimulated. Any and all advice or just thoughts welcome.

Feeling really frustrated that I’m not able to express how I feel, my bottled up thoughts and feelings are overflowing a bit.

Works better than any sleep aide a doc has prescribed.

The snooze hits me hard, I get a good six / seven hours sleep, no crazy dreams, and I don’t feel like a sack of potatoes in the AM.

I’ve used it to knock myself out maybe once or twice a month for the last 15 years.

Recently I’ve been wanting to lean on the Benadryl crutch more frequently so interested to hear others experiences with this hot pink sleep machine.

I've been so tired trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I've been working through with my therapist trying to be content with myself and my mental state and the fact that nothing's wrong with me. My psychiatrist on the other hand sent me a bunch of questionnaires. The one in regards to BPD fit me to a T and I ended up answering yes on everything. I'm freaking out a little but it's getting really hard not to slip back into speculating about my mental health and asking myself if this is a real answer or not. I don't even know how or if she's gonna respond about it and I'm trying really hard not to think about it.

I’m scared that I might just be a selfish person because I haven’t seen anyone speak about this before. Can someone please help me with this? I have OCD so that could be impacting my judgement but I’m not sure. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I can trust myself about anything and i can’t even tell what’s rational or not anymore.

I care a lot about doing the right thing, always being kind, not supporting the dairy/egg/meat industries (Ive been vegan since Feb this year), boycotting brands that fund Israel, test on animals, etc. speaking up on important issues, etc. But I can’t tell if everything I’m doing is because I actually care or if I just care about looking good.

I’ve been boycotting as many brands as I can for a long time now, but I remember last year buying a couple of things from Cadbury even after I’d found out they support Israel. I don’t know if it was because I’m selfish, i didn’t think it would matter because I’d already been boycotting basically everything or that it didn’t feel real when I was in the grocery store and was able to just buy whatever I wanted.
This also happened last year, I’d seen a couple of TikTok’s about the reality of the dairy/egg/meat industries and it made me sick, I’d never heard about any of it before and I felt so terrible for the animals in the videos. But every time I’d go to eat any animal product after that, it just didn’t feel real, it wasn’t clicking in my mind that I WOULD be supporting those industries by purchasing from them and that I should go vegan. I’d unintentionally procrastinate going vegan as well, like I’d eat a vegan dinner two times a week and because it didn’t feel real to me I didn’t feel guilty (until I’d see a TikTok about it, scroll and forget again).

It could be because I might have adhd, I’ve seen people talk about how it’s common for people with adhd to see something that needs fixing (e.g. mouldy fruit that needs to be thrown out) and they know they should do it, but their brain doesn’t transform the information “there is mouldy fruit” to “I have to throw away mouldy fruit” and i don’t think much of it.

Another time in 2023 I found out temu was bad and I deleted the app, but in 2024 I redownloaded it and brought stuff. But then I saw a TikTok about how bad it is and I deleted it again, it felt like i hadn’t heard about it before but obviously I had. It feels like whenever something is visible to me it’s really important and I care a lot about it, but the second I look at something else I just forget it. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m sorry if it doesn’t

It’s really confusing for me because I feel like I do care about others and doing the right thing but then I just remember these things I’ve done and I feel like I’m a terrible person.

If I don’t reply to you, I’m sorry. It’s because i struggle a lot with talking to people, I’m just posting on reddit because i don’t have anywhere else to go and I have ocd so this is a compulsion

Edit: i think a lot of the time i do good things because I’m scared of being a bad person (ocd) but i think that even if i didn’t have ocd, id still be doing good things. Lots of times when i do good things i don’t care in the slightest about doing it to look good but I’m still afraid of looking bad, just that it’s not the reason I’m doing it

I have a very long list of things I was being treated for, the short story is just for so long I've realized there's no logical reason for me to continue living and being stuck here against my will feels like I'm constantly being assulted and it gets so bad at times I will start scratching the skin off my face. I have no family or friends, and I have a partner that's been trying to take care of me. I haven't had work in over a year and the idea of working just to make money to contribute to living like this makes me feel horrible, but I have no choice but to try and find work because money is so tight right now. When I was receiving treatment it didn't work, and now I can't afford to start back up to find something that works. I've been denied disability because of the paper work. I tried going through state services to get a job but the process will involve me being back on a working treatment plan before they help with employment, I don't have the time or money go through with their program. To add to everything I don't have my own transportation because my car broke down before I became too unwell to work so any job I look into has to be within a certain distance and pay a certain amount to justify paying for a ride with there being no public transportation. And if we really want to add to everything I can feel that my partner no longer loves me the same, they've refused to leave me when I begged them to, they are actually the only reason I'm alive because they made the phone call that saved me, but ever since then I've started becoming more of a pet to them, I get the bare minimum attention, there's no more intimacy and I've caught them lying to me. My entire life exists sitting on my laptop, not even doing anything most of the time, just sitting at my desk from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. I'm trying to be better but I have no idea what to do because it feels like there's just nothing to fight for. Why am I wrong for not wanting to live like this?

I have been recently struggling with the fact that when I was 5, I committed an inappropriate act with my younger sister; it wasn’t yk naked stuff or really freaky stuff, but it was definitely inappropriate, and no sibling should touch each other like that. I know our dad knows but probably doesn’t remember because when he caught us he whooped us. This memory was never really present in my life until last September, and now I can’t stop feeling guilty about how she is going to grow up, or whether she even remembers, because I haven’t seen her in years or even really had a good relationship with her. I told my friend before, and he keeps telling me that I wasn’t conscious, didn’t know what I was doing, and was only repeating what my cousin did to me, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I did it. I mean, I am so disgusting and a hypocrite. I advocate for human rights and especially death to all predators. Still, I am one myself and what’s worse is for the last couple of years ever since I’ve come to terms that the only sexual experiences that I have had have been with my cousin, a grown man, and a grown woman when I was younge. I’ve been so selfish thinking about myself and about how it affected me that I completely forgot what I did to my sister. My friend keeps telling me that I am not a bad person, but he is just a liar. I don’t know why so many people lie to me and make me believe they care for me or that they want to help me, but I think it’s because I am a horrible, disgusting person. Now that I think about it, it makes sense why my dad blamed me for getting molested once again by my cousin; it’s because he remembered what I did and thinks that I probably seduced my cousin. It all makes sense. I don’t have sexual thoughts of any kind towards children now or even after that event, except when I was a child and had a crush, but those crushes have always been sexual in my mind, even for the guy in my 4th-grade class who said he wanted to do nonconsensual acts to me and even had dreams about it. I don’t know what to do, but I am here because I believe pedophilia is a mental illness that needs to be separated from society but still treated with care.

The urge has been happening since 2 years ago, violent tendencies has been happening since I was 2 years old.
All I see is my fist or a knife going into someone kneck when I get the urge, its like god himself is guiding my arm into someone.
Dead bodies dont creep me out, and when I see dead animals it only makes the want stronger.
I dont get angry or violent, this stopped when I started masterbaiting (which I started at 10), which I honestly have no idea why. When I stopped for a month, (this happened half a year ago) all I thought about was sex and murder, my urges aswell as sexual urges became extreme.
Im a normal person, I deep down want to be loved, but these urges are popping up and I dont know what to do.
My plan is just to go into the army and experience it.
People in my life are just making me want to hurt them so fucking badly, only reason why I havent is because of jail, but its like they’re begging on their knees to die.
Also I made a post before this and you assholes didnt respond I got an ai in my fucking dms so fuck yall

I haven't taken Quetiapin in 20 years. I just started again today with 25mg. Took it half an hour ago and now the sweat is breaking out on my entire body.

Does anybody of you have experience with this? Is it a coincidence or a sign that I don't tolerate it?

I need help. (I have diagnosed ADHD, ASD, OCD, MDD, GAD, ARFID.) over the past couple months I’ve developed ‘unusual experiences’ and thoughts to hurt others. I’ve told professionals but they haven’t done anything. I’m u18 in uk #camhs, how do I get the help I need. I’m scared I’m gonna have an episode and hurt people.