u/Galaxy_is_hunny

I’ve had OCD since I was a child, from washing my hands 1000 times a day, to obsessive thoughts in health areas and intrusive thoughts about anything.

Now I’m obsessed with the possibility of having autism. I do show some of its symptoms (like stimming, special interests) and I do struggle socially (or so I think).

The thing is as I am scared of an autism diagnosis, I am also relieved by the possibility of having it. Which is weird because usually I am terrified of the possibility of whatever obsession I’m having being true.

I can’t even go for a diagnosis because it’s expensive and I shouldn’t spend this much money on an obsession.

Has anyone dealt with autism OCD? Did anyone actually had autism?
Help:(

*long rant*

Since I was 2, I had this “tic” (what they called it) where I would rock my head when I was focusing or generally doing anything a toddler does. Being from a third world country in the early 2000s (and AFAB) they ruled out autism and other neurological disorders and told my parents that my “tics” will simply go away.

Fast-forwarding years later, the “tic” didn’t go away, it got a little better but nonetheless it was still in my everyday body language and everything else I did. Growing up I was yelled at for doing it, some made fun of me, some were just curious, and some didn’t even notice. But still very much there.

In collage, as a psychology student I opened up the DSM and looked for my condition. I concluded Primary stereotypic movement disorder because there’s no way I’m autistic. I do well socially! Right?! I HAVE HAD friends. I’m not a loner.

Years later, I feel isolated. Not in a literal sense, I have one close friend and a few casual friends, a loving and supportive partner and family. But I feel alienated. I can’t seem to click with my peers. I traveled a lot, met a lot of people. None of them I’m in contact with anymore. Even the ones I had great relationships with and vanished through thin air.

My mom says it’s just the people I met, they are not good enough for me or we had nothing in common etc. she says I was a social kid and was highly empathetic. I was bullied here and there but overall a normal childhood.

Now, I think back, was I ever accepted by my peers? I was mostly called “annoying” or “weird” by them. I tried to do better, became tamer, quieter, more observant. I put on a delightful voice when I speak to strangers, open up my body language, smile more frequently, I listen to what they say and give solid answers (or at least I hope). Now I’m asking myself: is this masking? It feels so natural now, but I scurry back to my hole when I’m done interacting with others.

I crave close friends, but I gain none. No matter what I do. I feel like people interact with me just to be polite and then go on about their business, they text me when they need me (shitty ik) and then they disappear.

I just feel lost and tired. I’m scared this might be an OCD flare-up and I’m becoming obsessed with being (or not being) autistic. I can’t get officially diagnosed yet (financial reasons) and I just wanted to share my experience with people.

Sorry this is a long existential rant for me.
Let me know if anyone has had a similar experience. Advice is welcome.