Therapists in my country don't recognize ROCD, so I've been fighting this alone. I literally prayed to love my girlfriend because the intrusive thoughts are so loud. I just need to know I'm not the only one feeling this way
Hi everyone. This is my first time posting, though I’ve been lurking for a while. I actually discovered the term ROCD through AI (terrible, I know). In the country where I live, professionals don't seem to use this term. My CBT psychologist said it was just rumination, and my psychiatrist diagnosed me with severe anxiety. So, while I don't have a formal ROCD diagnosis, I resonate with absolutely every story here. Here is a summary of how it all started. In 2023, I got out of a toxic relationship. Shortly after, I started seeing a girl who seemed amazing. However, right from the start, I was hit with relentless questions: "Do you actually like her? Is she trying too hard? Can you do better?" It was a 24/7 loop of crying spells and despair. The idea of dating her officially left me in a panic. When she eventually left, I felt relief (she had a history of dating much older people, which bothered me a lot). During this messy phase, I was talking to an AI about my experiences, asking how to know if you truly love someone. That's when it suggested I might be experiencing Relationship OCD. Around this same time, my current girlfriend (who was just a friend back then) confessed her feelings for me. I initially rejected her.
Instead, I tried getting back together with my toxic ex. Oddly enough, the intense ROCD doubts weren't there with her. I still vaguely doubted my feelings and couldn't picture a future with her, but because I knew she was a shady person and didn't trust her, I wasn't terrified of hurting her. I obsessively stalked her social media until we finally fought and she left for good. A month later, on my birthday, I ended up hooking up with that friend... who is now my girlfriend of 8 months. She is the most perfect person on earth and knows about everything I go through.
However, since the day we first kissed, my anxiety spiked. I am terrified of hurting her. The thoughts of "Do you like her? Do you love her? Do you even want her?" are worse now than in any other relationship. I also started getting weird intrusive thoughts about kissing strangers on the street or having romances with coworkers.
To make matters worse, sometimes it feels like my toxic ex competes for space in my head with my current girlfriend. I get a lot of bad intrusive thoughts and sensations about my ex. I became so obsessed with this that I intensely researched "how to know if you're truly over someone." All of this triggered intense panic attacks (I even had one at work.)
I’ve cried to my girlfriend about how scared I am of hurting her, and I even tried to push her away twice in the beginning, but we couldn't stay apart. I’m terrified of losing her, yet sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. Sometimes I don't want to see her, I find the relationship boring, and I think about breaking up. There are times I wake up wanting to break up, but I would never actually do it. Then my brain says: "You only stay because you’re scared you won't find anyone like her, not because you love her."
We make future plans, which I genuinely enjoy imagining. But I can't do overtly romantic things or give her a promise ring because it triggers severe anxiety.
I can't afford therapy right now due to financial issues, but I am taking 10mg of Escitalopram. Honestly, it has been a lifesaver. The panic attacks and intense crying spells have stopped completely. The intrusive thoughts and numbness are still there, but not having constant panic attacks makes a huge difference.
I have literally prayed to love my girlfriend. I want it to be her, and even writing this with uncertainty brings me immense discomfort. It has been incredibly hard to navigate all of this.