Middle-aged and alone. I think it's too late for me.
Dinner is high protein, high volume, high fiber, low calorie mac and cheese with mushrooms (480 calories, 46g protein, 50g fiber).
I've written a lot of responses to people on Reddit (different account), in this sub and others, with the hope that I could help them view their situations in a more positive light and see that things could work out for them, even if things seem dark right now. I genuinely believe that reaching out to people can help them effect positive change, or at least feel a little more seen and understood.
But I can't see much of a way out from how I'm feeling right now. I'll feel better for a day or two, but there's always an underlying pain.
I'm in my mid-40s. I have been single my entire adult life. Starting six years ago, I lost 100lbs. I got in good shape. About nine months ago, I finally got a great therapist. I worked on my self-esteem and self-confidence. I've got a lot going for me on paper: I'm educated, compassionate, I have a good career and financial stability, I have some attractive hobbies, I'm handy, I'm a good conversationalist, I make people laugh, I dress well, I'm in shape. I've worked on myself.
I even have a bidet.
I have always wanted a family. The dating apps don't work for me (no matches). Well, that's OK. I'll go to singles events, go dancing, perform at open mic nights, join book clubs, ask friends to set me up. Nothing. It isn't rejection; I'm just not even meeting attractive single women who are interested in having a family.
When I started this, I asked people if I realistically had a shot of meeting anyone. People said I did. But it seems pretty clear that no, I don't have a shot. I'm not even getting to the point of asking for a first date.
A somewhat cruel twist in this is that when I first decided I was ready to try again, I immediately met a smart, gorgeous woman involved in the same niche hobby (I've been involved in the hobby for over a decade, and this was probably the first time I've met an age-appropriate single women there). We got to know each other a bit before going on a single date, and it was amazing. But she couldn't have a long-term relationship with someone who wasn't religious, and I'm not.
Since then: nothing. And I'm just looking at the math of this: how many months will it take for me to meet someone to ask out? And how many times does that have to happen before someone says yes? And how many times does *that* have to happen before someone says yes to a second date?
And so on. I don't have ten years to cycle through the permutations. My therapist told me "it doesn't work like that," that I'm good at connecting with people, which will grease the wheels once I meet someone, I guess. I suppose I feel like the "social connection" advice makes sense for people in their 20s and 30s, but I can't remember the last party I was invited to. My friends have kids, not soirees.
So what are my options? Well, I can "give up," except that I don't really know how to do that, and even if I did, I don't know how to eliminate desire and not suffer for it every day. On the other hand, I can keep going, losing time all the while, and just keep banging my head into the wall, knowing that with every passing day the likelihood of things working out is going to get smaller and smaller.
Nobody seems to have any better ideas than I do for meeting women. Hell, I ask AI, pointing out that dating apps don't work for me, and it gives me a list of things I have already done. I tell it that, and it says, "have you tried apps?"
Then, of course, it tells me that, gee, "the practical probability of making that happen through standard secular hobbies, app swiping, and casual social circles is microscopically low." But I don't have to worry, because it isn't about my "worth as a man." Yeah, great, thanks - not only did I not mention anything about my "worth," but I've worked through that already.
On top of that, I developed a chronic medical condition a year ago that nobody seems to be able to diagnose or treat (I visited multiple specialists), which has seriously impacted my ability to exercise and my quality of life. My PCP told me last week, "I'm stumped."
It all feels pretty hopeless. I don't care that I can get enjoyment from other things in life if I can't have the one thing I actually wanted and satisfy a basic human desire. Nobody can tell me how to turn this off. Then, today, I watched an old YouTube video with a popular therapist who said, "one of the most horrible adaptations that a human being can have is to be okay without something that they need." I'm not sure what to do with that.
I don't know. Maybe someone will have some advice. But please do not give me the standard "put yourself out there," "get involved in groups," etc. I'm doing that.
At this point, I think I just waited too long, and I'm permanently fucked.
EDIT: Since a couple of people have asked, here's how to make the mac and cheese.
I buy Fiber Gourmet pasta... it is half the calories as regular pasta, but you have to boil it longer. Warning: real chefs will be aghast at how I cook the mushrooms, but you can saute if you prefer. Here is the bulk recipe: two boxes of FG rotini or elbow macaroni, boil for twenty minutes. While it's boiling, you can prep the rest of the ingredients. In a large bowl, put 224g of fat free shredded cheddar cheese (Kraft is the only brand I know of). Add 112g of 2% milk cheese of choice (I usually use Mexican blend or sharp cheddar). In a small bowl, add 22g salt, 8g pepper, 9g garlic powder, 9g garlic salt. In another bowl or cup, 32g of cornstarch.
After 20 minutes, save a cup of liquid. Add 32oz sliced white mushrooms, add some water, after it comes back to a boil, let it boil for five minutes. Then dump into a colander. Add a cup of cold water to your corn starch and stir well. Turn the heat to medium low and dump the cornstarch into your pot. Stir and scrape with a spatula continuously until the cornstarch turns into a gel, then immediately dump a third of your cheese into the cornstarch and start stirring. When smooth, add a third of the saved pasta water. Repeat twice until you have a smooth cheese sauce. To make mixing a big batch easier, I go ahead and add my salt/spices directly into the cheese sauce and stir. If making a a single serving, I would add last. Add your pasta and mushrooms back to the pot and stir (actually more of a fold with a large batch) until the sauce is distributed well. Divide into four servings.
EDIT 2: Thank you to those who tried to be constructive and supportive, I appreciate it. I wrote this post when I was dog tired and should have gone to bed, and my mood reflected that. Luckily, I am not usually in such a low place when I have had some rest. But running low on sleep makes it difficult for anyone to properly process negative thoughts, especially when that was the default setting for many years. I think the realistic answer here is that I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. In the scheme of my life, it hasn't been all that long, and the more I can focus on enjoying the activities I'm doing for their own sake and just connecting with people on a platonic level, the better off I'll be.