Wanted to share that I am healing well these days.
Hi guys. It is officially 301 days since I joined this subreddit. I know I haven’t posted a lot but at least I changed a lot during those 300 days. So this is actually a happy vent post!
I used to sleep at 3am and wake up at 4pm, unmotivated. And all I did was doomscrolling. I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t even showering. Looking back, I remember even not brushing my teeth for so long that I ended up with several cavities. I didn’t read, nor did I write. Since Reading and Writing was what I always did as a child, I seriously thought it was over when I couldn’t read a single word from a book and ended up with empty pages on my laptop. I always set up an impossible dream and made the plan and stopped there. Because making a plan itself was a relief for me.
But things gradually changed. Slow but constantly.
I started to split my tasks into pieces. Like ‘waking up and get ready’ to ‘open the window for fresh air’, ‘make my bed’, ‘drink one glass of water’… and etc etc. at first, I didn’t thought I would make it. and I got devastated when I missed one or two tasks. But seeing that I did about 20 of micro tasks (even something like going to the toilet) and didn’t do about 5~7 of the micro tasks, I somehow didn’t feel bad.
To be honest with you all, I got all anxious and even got frantic when I missed my doses that doctor gave me. I was leaning to the doses and I felt useless without them and meanwhile thought that I was a drug junkie because I can’t get off this meds and lean on them. But now… of course I take my doses, but I am actually talking to my doctor and my therapist that I can lower my doses once in two months. Because you know what? I actually feel so much better.
I don’t try to bluff or lie about myself because I feel more secure, and I don’t need to fake myself to make people like me. People come and go. But that’s the way it is. Good people, good events would leave too, yes, but bad people and bad events will leave as well. I love this metaphor: I’m the bus driver and everyone else is passengers. At the end of the day, I am just driving my bus and will end up in a garage and get off the bus eventually, but I drove the bus. And I will do a damn good job at parking. This simple fact really helps me a lot. And as you all know, when person is too anxious of someone leaving, they just… can’t think that way. But I am!
I even go to workouts and do yoga! although my muscle is not that strong so I just do it for like 20 mins a day, but it still is workout!!
Sorry if this feels like bragging, but I am so proud of myself that I actually started to heal. Just wanted to share this with you all. Thank you for reading!