AITAH for not allowing my child’s father open access to our child?
Sorry but this is a long one!!
I’m a 30F single mother to my son (6M). His father is 28M.
I’m genuinely asking for outside opinions because I’m exhausted, and at this point I’ve argued about this situation so much that I’m starting to question whether I’m actually the problem.
For some background, my son’s father has not been consistently involved in his life. I have essentially raised our son with the help of my mother.
During my pregnancy, he wasn’t around due to being arrested in connection with a domestic situation involving the mother of his first child.
Once he was released, during the first year of our son’s life, he told me that he didn’t want a relationship with our child if he couldn’t have a relationship with me. I immediately shut him down, and he remained largely absent, providing random check-ins and then disappearing again for another 5–6 months.
This has been a reoccurrence over the last six years. He has had plenty of opportunities to establish a relationship with our son, but he hasn’t consistently done so.
Recently, communication got better between us, and I genuinely felt that he could be a good friend/co-parent… so I thought. He mentioned wanting to be more involved in our son’s life, and I was happy to let them form a relationship.
**However**, he suddenly decided to start flirting with me, asking me on dates and asking me to have another child with him… yeah, wth right? 😂
I thought about it at first and admit to even entertaining the thought. That was until I truly sat back and remembered all of the BS I’ve had to go through alone. Then I immediately shut him down once again.
This led to me telling him multiple times that he can have a relationship with our son without having a romantic relationship with me, and that we can be friends… like I thought we already were.
This led to an argument.
**NOW ON TO THE ISSUE AT HAND.**
Recently, we had a discussion about BD taking our son to a park with his older brother in a different city about 30 minutes away. The park is close to his apartment.
I stated that I didn’t feel comfortable with the first major outing being a 30-minute drive away to another city without me present. I offered an alternative option, which was to meet at a park in my city instead to help our son become comfortable with him before he starts going places alone with him. **I have been saying this since he came back around, mind you.**
My position was straightforward and, to me, very simple: I want them to spend time together. That is not my problem at all. I just don’t feel comfortable allowing him to take our son places alone when there hasn’t been an established relationship or trust between them.
Again, our son is six years old, and this is essentially a stranger suddenly coming back into his life saying, *“I’m your dad. Come with me.”*
I’m just asking for the relationship to start correctly.
My son’s father seems to interpret my boundaries as me trying to keep him away from our son.
Essentially, I tried to get him to see my point of view, and when he wasn’t getting his way, he took the childish approach and started thumbs-upping my messages. I realized I was wasting my breath and decided to block him until I cooled down.
The entire situation had me so angry that I decided to vent and posted an Instagram note saying that I hated my baby daddy.
It wasn’t his name. I didn’t tag him. Most people who follow me don’t even know who my son’s father is, so I genuinely didn’t think the post was something he would see as a direct confrontation.
Welp… I was wrong.
He saw the post, and at 5 AM I was met with some of the nastiest messages I’ve ever received.
He called me a hoe, bitter, petty, compared me to his other baby mama, and more.
Now, I’m no saint and do enjoy my own vices, but his lifestyle is also part of why I’m hesitant about my child being alone with him. He regularly posts himself smoking, drinking, and engaging in things I personally consider concerning.
This is part of why I’m hesitant about my child being alone with him.
Also, if you’re going to call people out, have your facts in order… **(remember I said this.)**
During his rant and while trying to make me out to be the worst mother (lol), he also brought up a close friend of ours who passed away recently.
This was a close friend who had been in my life since my senior year of high school, was present for a large portion of my pregnancy, and had continued to be there for me and my son over the years. He holds a special place in our hearts and will forever be remembered.
I specifically asked him to stop bringing our deceased friend’s name into these arguments because I find it disrespectful, especially because that person isn’t here to defend himself.
Now remember what I said about having the facts right? Well, again, he tried calling me a hoe and a “pass around.” I asked him to be specific and to show proof.
He sent a screenshot of a text I sent that said:
“I’ve been fucking spiraling to be honest and just been doing sh\*t.”
Meaning I was mentally overwhelmed and frustrated with my life and with everything going on.
Again, I thought we were friends and confided in him for once.
He somehow interpreted that as me admitting that I had been sleeping around with different men…
At one point, I had told him that an opportunity to sleep with our deceased friend had presented itself and that I wanted to, but nothing happened in the end. Again, this was me confiding in him and not thinking much about it.
**YET**, I never told him that I was actually sleeping with anybody.
I was literally venting.
I’ll admit that I escalated.
I was already frustrated with him and the entire situation from the night before, and when he came at me, I gave the same energy back. We argued, he called me more names, I called him names, and I eventually silenced the messages.
And now I’m here typing this craziness out. 😂
I’m not going to sit here and pretend I handled every part of the argument perfectly because I didn’t.
But at the same time, I feel like I’m constantly having to defend myself for setting boundaries regarding my own body, my way of thinking, and **my CHILD.**
To add, at another point during the argument, he demanded I repay him $150 he had given me.
To clarify, this wasn’t money that he owed me or money that I borrowed for myself. He gave me $150 to help me purchase our son’s shoes for school—**two pairs of shoes.**
This was one of the only times he had financially helped me with something for our son, and I was completely willing to repay him.
I told him I would pay him back by Thursday. I also told him that once I paid him back, he wouldn’t have to worry about me asking him for anything else.
His response was basically that as long as he knew when he was getting his money back, that was all he wanted to know and that he wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.
I’m not upset that he wanted his money back. I find it laughable.
I’m frustrated because it feels like every interaction between us turns into something bigger.
And honestly, I can’t help but wonder if his switch-up started because I rejected him.
I don’t want to keep my son from his father.
But I don’t believe that biology automatically means someone is entitled to immediate trust or unsupervised access to a child they’ve been largely absent from for six years, especially when our communication has repeatedly escalated into arguments like this.
I want my son to have a healthy relationship with his father.
Yet, that relationship should be built first.
**Get to know each other.**
**Let my son become comfortable.**
**Show consistency.**
**Then we can talk about more independence.**
I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
But I’m tired.
I’m tired of setting boundaries and having people act like I’m angry or bitter because I don’t immediately bend on them.
I’m tired of being made to feel like I’m somehow keeping a father away when I’m asking him to show up consistently and build a relationship with his child.
And I recognize my own faults here. I’ve blocked him before. I’ve gotten angry. I’ve said things out of frustration. I probably could have handled some of these conversations better.
But I’m also tired of feeling like I’m the only one expected to compromise.
So, **AITAH for standing firm on how I want my son’s father to build a relationship with him, or am I actually preventing him from being a father?**