I feel disgusted about myself
Hey so im 22F and i have a problem. I hate myself and the way i look. The only reason i came here to write this down is because i feel no one can understand me and im alone with my problem.
So for context, i get really bad depressive episodes every few months when something triggers my body dismorphia. I used to struggle with an ED which resulted in a massive weight loss. The saddest thing is my problem with food was never seen as bad, people were actually nicer to me all the time when i was at my lowest, saying i look waay better. Eventually i managed to stop avoiding food, i got better. But ever since i got into a really hard and stressful college i started gaining weight again. This made me spiral back into depression. Im not overweight but definitely not skinny and also i struggle with PCOS- a lot of unwanted hair growth, easy weight gain…
I never asked for professional help, i try to manage all of this alone.
I started feeling good after all of those years of hating myself and now im back here again. Im 22 years old and i have never been in a relationship, never went past a second date. People approach me, im just too disgusted by myslef to let them get through to me. All of my friends have been at least once in love, that never happens to me. I feel so sad. I dont know whats wrong and why am i like that. I feel so ugly and unwanted.
The worst thing is even my friends who are the only thing in my life worth living for do not understand me. They dont understand that every time a rendom guy decides to ghost me i want to die. Not because im rejected but because it reminds me of how im not able to look at myself in the mirror. It reminds me of all the time someone takes a picture of me and i just cry for hours. It reminds me of how i walk in the streets everyday and EVERY SINGLE GIRL i see (really every) i imagine how i would rather be her then me.
And all my friends have to say is cmon your pretty stop youll get better in a few days.
They dont understand that i never will.